The Daily Muse: Keeping it Short

Download this
Like the Mars rover that transmits only when it darn well feels like it, we offer this helping of data to make of what you will...

Habeas corpus. The sudden death of Andrew Cunanan sent major media outlets scrambling for the Next Big Story. Unfortunately, the serial killer's apparent suicide aboard the Love Boat denied society the right to the daily news barrage of a public trial. But there may yet be hope for us all. Officials--under tremendous pressure from CNN's Greta and Roger, Court TV and other outlets--haven't ruled out the possibility of hauling Cunanan's (post post-mortem plastic surgery for the cameras, of course) body into court for a televised trial anyway. ("The accused sat expressionless...")
Andy slept here. In a strange way, with Andrew Cunanan sitings as frequent as those of alien Elvis babies, the FBI's Formerly Most Wanted of Men may well have been the George Washington of the 1990s...
Forgiven. The emotional gathering of Newt and his leadership team following the coup-that-wasn't got off to a great start when Gingrich offered his touching sermon ("Bless those who persecute you; damn your friends..."). Now the healing could begin. House pages left the meeting toting buckets of tears, the result of mass mea culpas offered by Gingrich's tattered army. "I'm firmly in charge," the Newtster declared to reporters. "Now move along, there's nothing more to see here..."
Spin control. In a last-minute concession to win Europe's approval for its mega-merger with McDonnell Douglas, aircraft giant Boeing promised that all its new planes will henceforth be produced with just one (left) wing. "We can compensate by asking all our passengers to sit on the right side," a company official explained...
Taking flight. Palestinian Airlines (Slogan: "All Our Passengers Have Arms") proudly launched flights to Jordan from Egypt's Sinai Peninsula, replacing El Al as the world's safest air carrier...
Checkups. Hoping to ease Republican fears that a proposed increase in Medicare premiums for rich folks would be seen as a tax hike, President Bill offered a crafty alternative. Instead of making the checks out to the IRS, the well-to-do would simply send their payments to 1600 Pa. Ave. c/o the White House Coffee Fund...

We deliver late
So we decided to take a few days off, making many of you upset, go into withdrawal and threaten to cancel your sub- scriptions (once you emerge from the fetal position). So sue us. In the meantime, did you hear...

What's shakin'? Mir, The Little Space Station That Couldn't, tumbled helplessly out of control when one of the Cosmonauts made his usual dramatic entrance--and opened the wrong door a bit too briskly... Toilet humor. House Speaker Newt the Gingrich "let go" his entire leadership team after learning of a surreptitious "Dump Newt" meeting in the men's room of the House Republican Caucus. "I flushed 'em real good," Gingrich chortled in his best fake Southern drawl.
Fashion bizarre. Is it just us or does it seem the Miami Beach murder of fashion superstar Gianni Versace by a suspected gay serial killer could have been designed by The Media, starved for a story to quench the mid-summer doldrums?
Taken out. The Thompson committee's hearing on Campaign Finance Hell took an embarrassing twist when a member waved a $14.29 invoice allegedly showing Chinese involvement in U.S. elections. It was later revealed to be a receipt for the chairman's lunch at Hunan No. 1...

Muse bytes
If, thanks to the Supreme Court, you clicked on www.roxxy.com but landed here by mistake, read this first--then gettoudahere...

The good news: The Nevada State Athletic Commission (normally in charge of overseeing slot machine- related wrist injuries) threw Mike Tyson out of the sport of boxing. The bad news: Mike Tyson is the new spokesman for the meat industry ("Just a nibble now and then does a body good...")

Elderly drivers who take Valium and other tranquilizers have a greater chance of getting into serious accidents, a Canadian study found. Amazingly, those who doubled their dosage had far fewer accidents...
Astronauts aboard Columbia flew within a quarter-mile of Mir--close enough to moon those aboard the crumbling Russian space station. The space shuttle's crew, traveling in the "fast lane" of near-Earth orbit, said they were late for a "date" and were "too busy" to stop and help but promised to "pick up something" for the ailing Mir-sters "on the way back"... Bill Gates is at it again. Microsoft is rumored to be eying CBS's books in search of a possible acquisition--which would give Mr. Bill a stake in his second TV network (not counting WebTV, of course, but then who would?). We can't wait to see Gates's cameo as Murphy Brown's secretary...

The short of it
The deal: You slip in your dime and we put up our take on the day's events. Here goes nothing:

The United States Air Force, hoping to put to rest the Roswell Incident once and for all, said it was a UFO that crashed in the Arizona desert 50 years ago, and brought with it aliens from a repressed galaxy who infiltrated the U.S. military, turning it into a bunch of sex maniacs (or was that mannequins?)... The U.S. House voted to support President Bill's extension of China's MFN status, persuaded by Rep. Let M. Be, R-Right?, who argued: "We shouldn't impose our human rights standards on the Chinese. After all, they chose to live in a repressive society. Who are we to second-guess a billion people?"

The stock market soared 153 points after Bill Gates announced he would buy the remaining shares of the Dow Jones Industrial Average that he did not already own. A day earlier, Mr. G sent the market reeling when he announced plans to sell his Microsoft stock to pay back $400 million in library overdue fines...

Subjecting you
to ridicule
Accuse us of being ridiculous, but you came here to see what we're thinking, so here goes:

Michael Jordan (who is rumored to be leaving the Chicago Bulls to start a team where he will be the sole player), dragged himself out of the sickbed to attend Dennis Rodman's surprise apology-by-way-of-conversion from moronhood to Mormonhood... President Clinton begged well-heeled supporters to throw more cash at the beleaguered Democratic Party, telling a fund-raiser at a ritzy Washington hotel that he needed the money to pay he and an unnamed companion's room bill... In a stunningly surreal development in the OKC bombing trial, the judge granted defendant Tim McVeigh one last wish: To throw out the opening ball at the U.S. Open golf tournament... Rupert Murdoch bought a chunk of Pat Robertson's Family Channel for $1.9 billion, saying it will allow the trash-media magnate to concentrate on more wholesome programming instead of his usual sleazy fare. "I got religion," Murdoch explained. "And besides, it was a hell of a deal."

Throw these in your beach bag
By all means head for patches of hot sand along coastal waters, but first...

You've gotta hand it to NBC for letting Marv Albert call the Bulls-Heat game despite his indictment on nasty-boy charges. Of course, it will actually be a ratings coup and offers a chancefor a mass audience to catch his biting play-by-play commentary...

Albert, putting in a surprise appearance on David Letterman's show, read the top 10 list of things the sportscaster shouted in that hotel room: "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!" Should NBC change its mind and dump Albert after all, the network still stands to gain from the whole mess: It's already secretly casting "Love Bites," the mini-series... Revenge is mine, sayeth grounded Air Force 1st Lt. Kelly Flinn. Flinn was being shoved out of her B-52 pilot's seat for adultery and lying, but not before making one last bombing run over the Pentagon...

Keeping it short
For those in a rush to go about their business, here's the fast take on life in the big city...

Newt Gingrich, who somehow came up with a 50-grand down payment on his ethics penalty ("It was tucked under the wife's mattress!"), now says he may only have to borrow half of the $300,000 total fine from good buddy BobDole. Dole, who was really looking forward to making a killing on the loan, immediately demanded a new ethics investigation. "A deal's a deal," barked the former senator...

ABC News, looking for a lift in the ratings, said it would stop running "bad news" stories and would instead look at the "bright side" of events. World News Tonight's report on the trial of Timothy McVeigh led with the fact that while 168 people perished in the Oklahoma City bombing, "millions" of residents were not injured in the blast... President Boris Yeltsin insisted that the new agreement linking Russia with NATO doesn't mean he can't play with "the button" if he wants to...every once in a while...just for old times sake...

In summary
Your time is worth something and so is ours. So here's the quick take on the day's mundane events:

First, the U.S. Army dropped sex education questions from its entrance exam. Now it's introducing a new "buddy" system to prevent more sex scandals. Every female recruit and her male drill sergeant will have a "lawyer" as his/her buddy...

A new U.S. report says the Swiss laundered Nazi-looted gold to preserve their neutrality during World War II. The government of Switzerland immediately apologized and promised to take the Nazis' side the next time around. In an unscripted development during his state visit south of the border, President Clinton agreed to give Texas back to Mexico "so we don't have to keep remembering the Alamo--and that Waco thing." Intel, stung again by reports that the Pentium II has a character flaw, said there's no problem with its new flagship chip, though it hopes to have a fix in place by the year 2000...

Today's offering
Want your muse short and sweet? You got it:

Doctors announced a 63-year-old California woman delivered a baby to her surprised husband, kicking off a new era of ethical head-scratching just weeks after the shocking wolf-in-sheep's cloning. Not to be outdone, centenarian Bobdole told CNN he was carrying twins in his recently installed uterus. (He paid for the procedure with a loan from Newt Gingrich's wife...)

Kmart said it would stop carrying Fuzzy Zoeller sheets and pillow cases after discovering some of its customers weren't using them as bed covers... In Denver, the parents of slain beauty princess JonBenet Ramsey finally allowed themselves to be questioned at police headquarters. The breakthrough came after police said the couple could be accompanied by 89 of their closest lawyer friends...

Designers of the new F��.�. Memori�l in Wa�hin�ton, bowing to pressure from animal rights activists, agreed to a small change: the famous First Dog statute won't depict Fala being run over by the president's wheelchair after all...

Flip back to The Daily Muse front page

Flip back to The Daily Muse front page

Letters to the editor: aschnedr@cais.com