The Daily Muse
On the State of O.J. Simpson

L.A., oh-man

     Hizzoner. Sounds a whole lot better than the formerly-alleged-cold-blooded-
killer-who-just-about-got-away-with-it, doesn't it?

     In O.J. head tilt the surprise of the century for Los Angeles (which is really saying something), voters elected O.J. Simpson the city's next mayor.
     As resident Sam Sonite put it: "He needed a job, and we needed a mayor."
     Some local political pundits were astounded, given that Simpson put virtually no money or effort into the campaign. (His slogan: "It's a job to kill for.") He won by a landslide write-in vote.
     "Things just haven't been the same since Trial No. 2 ended. I guess we needed something to hold our interest into the next millennium," pollster Don T. Blink said.
     Speaking to reporters shortly after his opponents conceded, Simpson said his first priority was to "absolutely, positively do something" about that "wild bunch over at the L.A.P.D."
     Simpson added: "I'm kidding, of course. But seriously, first thing I want them to do is locate my missing Heisman Trophy."

We interrupt
the O.J. verdict...
CNN legal pros Greta van Susteren and Roger Cossack
to bring you the
State of the Union speech
     Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States:
     "My fellow Americans, I know you'd all rather be watching Court TV than listening to me for the next 72 minutes talk about balancing the budget, education and campaign reform, so go ahead and switch.
     "I'll still be talking when you get back..."

Clinton hands envelopes to 2 G-men
In spirit of goodwill, Clinton hands Gore and Gingrich
O.J. jury verdict forms.

On the right, it's O.J....
 O.J. Simpson O.J. Simpson O.J. Simpson O.J. Simpson O.J. Simpson O.J. Simpson      The last-minute decision to allow O.J. Simpson (the negative $8.5-million man) to present the rebuttal to President Clinton's State of Union speech was a masterstroke for the Republicans.
      The ratings, for one thing, were higher than the president's.
     "My fellow Americans, you have just heard the president talk about the future of this country. Well, let me tell you about my future. It's none too bright at this point in time, but if it hadn't been for those ugly a-- shoes, I'd still have a couple of bucks left to my name. Now, it seems, daddy needs a new pair of shoes...
     "We are entering an era where we must be more fiscally conservative. For many in this wonderful country, money is tight--and getting tighter by the hour.
     "So we must boldly embark on the journey to a new century, poorer perhaps but more humble and in search of new legal counsel for our appeals.
     "Thank you, and God bless me for I have sinned."

Poll, poll, of course, a poll

     You told us...

  • O.J. deserved it:            43%
  • O.J. was robbed:            9%
  • I've had enough of O.J.: 46%
  • Who's O.J.?:                    3%
    Final results; may not add up due to rounding; The Daily Muse thanks all participants; you're wonderful; now getoutahere...

    Scraps from our mail heap:
         "It's gotten like an old circus--the tents are faded, the bearded woman has gone bald and the animals have all died of old age"--il castro-haro

         "He deserved much worse than that."
    --COLANDUNO

         "I say thank god we finally have a verdict. Not because I really care if he's guilty, I mean responsible; but because I'm so very,very sick of hearing about it...World War III could break (out) but all anyone will care about is the status of O.J.'s appeals."--Christopher Foudy

         "Seems somewhere I heard a phrase called DOUBLE JEOPARDY. Maybe it was in the Constitu... , Oh, never mind."--Vaughn Davis

         (Re: Who's O.J.?) "Is that the founder of Orange Julius?"--StudentX

    Rip open more email

    • Blood from
    the stoned

         O.J.'s second jury seemed like a friendly bunch and it was nice of them to hold a free news conference before they start charging for "exclusive" interviews ("Geraldo, just because I'm white doesn't mean I can't be fair...")
         Despite his vow of poverty, the jury did sock it to the Juice for a cool $33.5 million, knowing there was a good chance he's not worth even a slice of that amount.
         Still, good citizens as they were, the jurors were kind enough to offer a few money-raising suggestions for O.J.:
  • Model a new line of fabulous footwear for Bruno Magli, uttering this slogan with a wry smile: "These shoes are killing me..."
  • Do an infomercial hawking O.J.-trademarked steak knives, mail-order-delivered in a plain brown manila envelope (Wait a minute, he's already thought of that...)
  • Produce, star in and direct "America's Most Wanted Celebrities." Each week, O.J. helps find the "real killers" in another heinous real-life murder mystery.
  • Become permanent legal commentator on Court TV/CNN/MSNBC/CNBC/Fox's continuing coverage of the White People vs. O.J. Simpson: "Well, Greta, the way I see it, I was absolutely, positively acquitted in the criminal case and hung out to dry in the civil trial, so that makes it even. Not to abuse a sports analogy, but the score's tied..."

  • Send in your suggestions

    • Walk a mile

         Let us first say that President Bill's comments on the O.J. matter finally elevated to the national stage what had been essentially a local story buried in the Los Angeles Times gardening section.

          Even though the Juice said the case ain't over yet--and won't be in our lifetimes--Clinton urged folks to accept the outcome and "get on to other things."
         Asked to ponder the sharp differences of opinion surrounding the case, The Prez said people should "spend Red clow shoes more time listening to each other and try to put ourselves in each other's shoes and understand why we see the world in different ways."
         Guess Clinton's the only person who hasn't been paying attention to this story...

    Illegal motion denied

         The tough judge in O.J. II turned down the 42nd motion for a mistrial (which was made using a complex set of hand signals that can best be compared to a referee scratching his armpit while blowing his nose).
         The defense's latest argument: the jury was spotted posing for mug shots with "the real killer(s)"...

    BULLETIN: O.J. jury asks for help

         SANTA MONICA, Calif.--The jury deliberating O.J. Simpson's financial future made an unusual request today, asking the court to supply it with a microscope so it could read the fine print on its book contracts.

    O.J.'s Red Shoes In his shoes?

         Finally, a link between the two greatest crimes of the lame-duck 20th century.
         An expert in the JFK slaying, called in to testify at O.J.'s civil trial, says a photo purporting to show the Juice in shoes matching those linked to the murder scene (Bundy, not Dealy) was as fake as the Hitler diaries.
         But on close inspection, The Daily Muse isn't so sure. You make the call...
    Evil wins every time

         In the court of public opinion (and what other kind is there?), the Evil O.J. is the real killer of his ex and her friend. So say over half of the participants in a Daily Muse poll conducted November 25-30.
         By a nearly 3-1 margin, CNN's Jim Moret the Evil O.J. (56%) was favored over the Good O.J. (19%). Trailing in the poll were CNN heartthrob Jim Moret (13%) and You and Me (12%).
         "It's obvious except to the exceptionally stupid: The EVIL O.J. of course..." Muse readers Charles and     		Patricia Romero testified in unison.
         "Did anyone ever notice that O.J. stands for OVERLY JEALOUS...Perhaps the only one who DOESN'T know who done it is O.J. himself!" says reader Jim Headley, who has enjoyed capital letters since pre-school.
         In other developments, O.J.'s civil case was suddenly suspended when the judge realized the jury had decided to leave the courtroom early to meet with its talent agents.
         Simpson, who seemed relieved, was seen waiving his still-injured middle finger upon leaving the courthouse.
         "Don't worry, I'll be back," Simpson said with a nervous smile.
         Law enforcement officials weren't so sure, noting the full set of luggage O.J.'s helpers could be seen tossing into the back of his weekend getaway vehicle (WGV)...

  • Reader John Hill reports from court.
    • O.J. head tilt
    Random
          O.J.'s lawyers asked for a delay in his testimony "so Mr. Simpson can get his head on straight." (Funny, that's what O.J. claims he was trying to do to his ex and her friend that night...)
    Muse
          New evidence in the civil case links O.J. to the murders as never before. A shoe expert says bloody prints at the crime scene made by cute Bugs Bunny slippers match a pair owned by Simpson. (Simpson's lawyers called that a patent lie...)

    O.J. in the U.K.
    Rejected in his homeland as a good-for-nothing has-been (No, not Pat Buchanan), O.J. (is there any other?) Simpson winged his way to the U.K. in continued pursuit of his reputation.
    O.J. Simpson O.J. Simpson O.J. Simpson O.J. Simpson O.J. Simpson O.J. Simpson O.J. Simpson O.J. Simpson O.J. Simpson O.J. Simpson O.J. Simpson
    After appearing on a British talk show (where he obligingly discussed the weather and train schedules), Simpson went to Oxford to pick up a dishonorary degree and defend his innocence before the school's fine debating team:
    "Did you kill your ex-wife Nicole and her friend Ronald Goldman?"
    "No, I did not."
    "Yes you did."
    "No, I didn't"...
    But despite his "absolutely, 100% not guilty" verdict by a jury of his peers (Yes, they all had been accused of brutally murdering their ex-spouses), many folks still have doubts. Especially after it became known O.J. had been invited to the home of British film director Michael Winner, who brought us such wholesome flicks as "Death Wish," "Scream for Help" and "The Stone Killer."
    At press time, it wasn't clear whether the Juice could manage to squeeze in a tour of Jack the Ripper's old haunts since he had to rush to the airport to return his rental Bronco and avoid a late penalty.

    *Some people liked this story. Others didn't.

    "Hi, it's O.J. Do you have a minute?"

    O.J. Simpson Months after the ink has dried on the jury's verdict forms,
    O.J. is still professing his innocence to anyone who will listen.
    He's calling CNN every hour on the hour. The LA LA Land Times
    even got the honor of interviewing him. Will The Juice's media blitz not end
    until every man, woman and child in America gets a personal call from him?
    What will you say when O.J. calls?
    *"No, thank you," and hang up.
    *"Why hello, O.J., can you fax me an autograph?"
    *"I liked you on that BET interview. You seemed so relaxed."
    *"Who do you like better, Roger CNN legal pros Greta van Susteren and Roger Cossackor Greta?"
    *"It's 1996. Are you running for something?"