Last thing I heard
was the man yelling:
"Lend me your ears..."
Now, let's get this straight: The entire universe is up in arms because one guy getting paid millions to beat the (you know what) out of another who's also getting paid millions bit his ears off...
What's this world coming to? Is there no reasonable expectation of safety in the gentle city of Las Vegas's boxing arenas? It's OK to shed blood from every other area of one's body--but no, no, not the ear.
Why, that's downright uncivilized...
With the moral fabric of these United States of America strung as taught as it is these days, it's a wonder any hotels are left standing...
The shocking and evil incidents that have
allegedly taken place in these establishments
should tell us that
something's amiss in these homes away from home--and we should stay
away lest we get in trouble, too.
Former world chess champ Garry ("I'm only human") Kasparov had to reach way, way down into his bank of good excuses when he fell to defeat against IBM's Deep Blue ("Don't ask us where the name came from")...
"I don't know what
to say. I thought this was a chest match,"
an exasperated Kasparov explained to reporters after losing
to nothing more than a black box with silicon implants.
Asked for a post-match
explanation of how it could have possibly happened,
authoring machine Michael
mused: "Who knows? Maybe Garry had a Pentium II implanted in his brain..."
That the wiz
kid took the Masters by a storm, coolly setting a record
30 holes in one, blind-folded with one gloved hand
behind his back.
Don't get us wrong. The Green Bay Packers
deserve their victory of victories. But Sunday's game, legend-in-the-remaking
as it was, left a bit to be desired.
Don't get us wrong: Michael Jordan is god.
He's the most popular human being since the Beatles or the other M.J.--Michael Jackson (pre-Bad). He can also outshoot and out-jump all of those guys put together. Not to mention that he's a very nice guy and great all-American hero.
But what bothered us about the Air One's latest venture (no, not the Eau de Locker Room cologne) is the premise.
With Space Jam we weren't expecting reality, especially from Ivan Reitman and W.B.'s Loony Tunes. But one gets a sick feeling from the story's basketball-as-savior-
from-slavery theme. (Bugs and pals kidnap Jordan to play hoops and save them from an evil space alien who wants them to perform forever on Moron Mountain.)
The English Patient it's not. But do we need another flick, especially from someone as influential to kids as Jordan, perpetuating the pro-sports-is-everything myth?
We can hope he only did it for the money...
It's not unusual for Super Bowl and World Series winners to get a call from the prez as the champagne corks are popping in the locker room.
But "Iron" Mike Tyson may have been a bit surprised when the phone in his dressing room rang after Saturday night's shocking loss and the voice on the other end was that of "Calcium" Bob Dole.
"Hey, Mike. Just wanted to say I know what it's like to lose The Big One. Done it a few times myself. Don't let it get you down, fella. You just gotta keep going. Get your message across and hope one of these decades you make it.
"But I shouldn't have to tell you, Mike. You've seen your share of adversity. Of course, not like that time in Italy when I got hurt in the line of duty. Fighting for my country and all that.
"No, Mike. Don't let the suckers get you down. You fought valiantly, man. You just couldn't make it in the end, when it counted.
"You'll live to fight another day, Mike. What's that you say? Why, sure. I'd love to come down to Miami and be your trainer. Why it's right around the corner from the condo in Bal Harbor.
"And if you ever decide to run for public office, I'm sure I can help you there, too.
"Well, I'll say goodbye now. And just remember, Mike: You da man."
(And you thought Al Gore was stiff...)
(And you thought Al Gore was stiff...)
Pete Sampras made it look so easy, retaining his U.S. Open crown vs. Michael Chang. But The Daily Muse has learned (through impeccably dressed court-side sources) that Sampras managed to win through sheer cunning and terror.
During a break late in the contest, the champ leaned over and whispered to his spunky rival: "Throw the match, or I'm going to toss my salad all over you." And the rest was history...
Our sources also say Monica Seles was eager to end her losing match against Steffi Graf after learning that CBS refused to stop showing unflattering shots of her behind.
Twelve-year-old Jeffrey Maier has been at it again.
This time, the lives of millions of baseball fans were thrown into turmoil when Game One of the World Series was called off due to sogginess at Yankee Stadium.
It seems the youngster--
"Oops! I forgot," the Kid told reporters.
Nothin' but net (worth)
Frankly, we don't see the audience potential. Do you?
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