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Sportsmanlike conduct unbecoming

The Daily Muse
("You know the score" and other cliches banned)

Say what?
Earless Evander
Last thing I heard
was the man yelling:
"Lend me your ears..."

     Now, let's get this straight: The entire universe is up in arms because one guy getting paid millions to beat the (you know what) out of another who's also getting paid millions bit his ears off...
     What's this world coming to? Is there no reasonable expectation of safety in the gentle city of Las Vegas's boxing arenas? It's OK to shed blood from every other area of one's body--but no, no, not the ear.
     Why, that's downright uncivilized...

     A reader bites back.

closed doors

Marv Albert askew      With the moral fabric of these United States of America strung as taught as it is these days, it's a wonder any hotels are left standing...

     The shocking and evil incidents that have allegedly taken place in these establishments should tell us that something's amiss in these homes away from home--and we should stay away lest we get in trouble, too.
     What is it about these places--the fresh towels, room service or vibrating beds--that makes perfectly normal famous people act like kids playing hooker, er, hookey?
     Dick Morris, Bill Clinton, Marion Barry--now Marv ("Prince") Albert ("in the can") and Frank ("You would too if you were married to Kathie Lee") Gifford--have fallen or are in danger of falling from great heights and they never even went near the balcony.
     So our best advice to those tempted to given into temptations of the flesh at the Holiday Inn: Don't.............. forget to put out the 'Do Not Disturb' sign.
     And keep it down. The rest of us are trying to get some sleep...

Chest mate

     Former world chess champ Garry ("I'm only human") Kasparov had to reach way, way down into his bank of good excuses when he fell to defeat against IBM's Deep Blue ("Don't ask us where the name came from")...

     "I don't know what to say. I thought this was a chest match," an exasperated Kasparov explained to reporters after losing to nothing more than a black box with silicon implants.

Garry's nemesis: Pamela Anderson

     Asked for a post-match explanation of how it could have possibly happened, authoring machine Michael Crichton mused: "Who knows? Maybe Garry had a Pentium II implanted in his brain..."
     An obviously elated Deep Blue said he/she/it would skip the usual champion's trip to Disney World to concentrate on his/her/its acting career. "My agent already has a part for me--if the they don't pull the plu..."

Holey one
Tiger Woods, answering to a higher authority
     What can you say about the great Tiger with the Woods that hasn't already been said or won't be said again and again?

     That the wiz kid took the Masters by a storm, coolly setting a record 30 holes in one, blind-folded with one gloved hand behind his back.
      That at 21 he's the youngest ever to win the coveted Green Jacket (worn for years by a Realtor, but only on Sundays).
      That he was the first black and/or Asian (Call this movie "White Men Can't Golf") ever to Just Do It in Augusta, scaling the world's longest putt-putt course in a record 12 minutes flat?
      If it seems the title and accompanying fame came too easily for Tiger ("That's Mr. Woods to you"), welcome to the clubhouse. What does he do for an encore?
     But then again, why bother pondering. After all, he was just nudging a tiny ball with dimples into a hole in the ground...

Cut the cheese Vince Lombardi, legendary Cheesehead
     Vince Lombardi, brought back to life in computer-Krafted Cheese Whiz ad aired during Super Bowl.

     Don't get us wrong. The Green Bay Packers deserve their victory of victories. But Sunday's game, legend-in-the-remaking as it was, left a bit to be desired.
     For one thing, actual competitive play seemed to last about 24 minutes--not bad, about twice as long as most of these so-called super events, but about twice as long as Fox's post-post-game show.
     And for a while there, the contest was even more interesting than those $4-trillion-per-millisecond commercials (featuring beer, Cindy Crawford's mole, beer, transvestites, beer and Oscar Mayer's weiner--ah, America at its finest--not to mention beer).
     But once James Brown and the Blues Sisters ("we're white and we sound like it") were hauled off the field, the evening's entertainment value was gone.
     Oh well, there's always Super Bowl X0X0X0...

Bitter Jam
Bugs Jordan
     Don't get us wrong: Michael Jordan is god.
     He's the most popular human being since the Beatles or the other M.J.--Michael Jackson (pre-Bad). He can also outshoot and out-jump all of those guys put together. Not to mention that he's a very nice guy and great all-American hero.
     But what bothered us about the Air One's latest venture (no, not the Eau de Locker Room cologne) is the premise.
     With Space Jam we weren't expecting reality, especially from Ivan Reitman and W.B.'s Loony Tunes. But one gets a sick feeling from the story's basketball-as-savior-
from-slavery theme. (Bugs and pals kidnap Jordan to play hoops and save them from an evil space alien who wants them to perform forever on Moron Mountain.)
     The English Patient it's not. But do we need another flick, especially from someone as influential to kids as Jordan, perpetuating the pro-sports-is-everything myth?
     We can hope he only did it for the money...

Losers weepers

Mike Tyson      It's not unusual for Super Bowl and World Series winners to get a call from the prez as the champagne corks are popping in the locker room.
     But "Iron" Mike Tyson may have been a bit surprised when the phone in his dressing room rang after Saturday night's shocking loss and the voice on the other end was that of "Calcium" Bob Dole.
     "Hey, Mike. Just wanted to say I know what it's like to lose The Big One. Done it a few times myself. Don't let it get you down, fella. You just gotta keep going. Get your message across and hope one of these decades you make it.
Battered Bob Dole      "But I shouldn't have to tell you, Mike. You've seen your share of adversity. Of course, not like that time in Italy when I got hurt in the line of duty. Fighting for my country and all that.
     "No, Mike. Don't let the suckers get you down. You fought valiantly, man. You just couldn't make it in the end, when it counted.
     "You'll live to fight another day, Mike. What's that you say? Why, sure. I'd love to come down to Miami and be your trainer. Why it's right around the corner from the condo in Bal Harbor.
     "And if you ever decide to run for public office, I'm sure I can help you there, too.
     "Well, I'll say goodbye now. And just remember, Mike: You da man."
A real thrill!

Have Your
Picture Taken With A Life Size Cut-out of Scottie Pippen!
This retailer takes virtual reality to new heights. Hurry kids, before Scottie folds and goes home!

(And you thought Al Gore was stiff...)

Pete Sampras, green in the face
Salad daze

    Pete Sampras made it look so easy, retaining his U.S. Open crown vs. Michael Chang. But The Daily Muse has learned (through impeccably dressed court-side sources) that Sampras managed to win through sheer cunning and terror.
      During a break late in the contest, the champ leaned over and whispered to his spunky rival: "Throw the match, or I'm going to toss my salad all over you." And the rest was history...

    Our sources also say Monica Seles was eager to end her losing match against Steffi Graf after learning that CBS refused to stop showing unflattering shots of her behind.

Delay of game

Twelve-year-old Jeffrey Maier has been at it again.

This time, the lives of millions of baseball fans were thrown into turmoil when Game One of the World Series was called off due to sogginess at Yankee Stadium.

It seems the youngster--
who during the playoffs swiped a ball off the wall, helping the Yanks to victory--managed to leave the sprinklers on.

"Oops! I forgot," the Kid told reporters.

Nothin' but net (worth)

NBA star Shaquille O'Neal
Why is this man smiling?

Who says people are worried about their jobs? We can name at least three who are quite happy and confident in their hirability, thank you:

Da Chicago Bulls' Michael Jordan reportedly will rake in $25 million for a single season's work. (He needs the money.)

The Washington Bullets' Juwan Howard is zipping away to the Miami Heat for a cool $100+ million. ( OK, but he'll have to play bouncy-bouncy for 7 years to collect that handsome sum.)

And the L.A. Lakers are willing to spend $120 mil to get The (Love) Shaquille O'Neal, also for 7 seasons. (It'll come in handy if his movie career flops.)

Let's just say for argument's sake that those round-ballers are worth every penny--and you know they are. Where does this leave us mere mortals pulling down less than 7 figures per annum (that's yearly to you non-Latin lovers)? Well, maybe we should take Al Gore's advice and get more excercise.

Anyone for a game of hoops? (Over the Washington Monument, off the Capitol dome and under Bill Clinton's nose--nothin' but...swoooshhhh...)

Do not adjust your set
Hillary Rodman Clinton

This observation on the other night's Bulls-Sonics NBA finals opener: Does Dennis Rodman ever have a bad hair day?
His hair changes more often than Hillary's—and just about as frequently as President Bill's agenda. If it's Tuesday it must be College Tax Break Day; if it's Wednesday it must be Medicare's Broke Day. At this rate the White House may be running out of ideas.
Let's all help the prez. How about making today No Bull(s) Day?

(Historical footnote: "Another friend advised me that I should cut my hair and color it orange and then change my name to Hillary 'Rodman' Clinton."—The First Lady, addressing the Democratic National Convention in Chicago Aug. 27, 1996, months after this item originally appreared.)

Suitable for watching

With 500 channels and nothing on, CNN ("all O.J., all the time") and Sports Illustrated
have teamed up to bring a 24-hour sports cable network to the masses.

Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue cover

Frankly, we don't see the audience potential. Do you?

Superman bowling
The Super(man) Bowl

Corporate Bowl Mania

This year it was the Nokia Sugar Bowl and the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl.
Joining the post-season football parade in 1997:
Preparation H Cream
The Preparation H Rose Bowl!

Controlling the football (and other defensive maneuvers)

"A shocker...the 49ers have had the ball less than 2 minutes, offensively."
--Fox Sports TV announcer,
providing living color during the first quarter
of the San Francisco-Green Bay NFL playoff game.
The Cheese Heads went on to win, 27-17.

If you haven't had enough:

The Juice's comeback

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