The Daily Muse: Bill Clinton (Bubba Muse)

Justice
for
Bill

WASHINGTON--First thing's first: It's a good thing Chelsea got out just in time...

The First Daughter managed to make her escape to college just as Janet Reno announced that Bill Clinton wouldn't be the only person left at the White House who's not the subject of one of her investigations.
By revealing that her boss is a possible target of an independent counsel probe (Oooh, that hurts) Reno finally showed us what many have suspected: she really is the toughest broad (and we say that in the most affectionate sense possible) in this city of wussies. Except...
Except we won't believe it until we see the process servers (disguised as Domino's delivery men) knock on Bubba's door.
Somehow, we doubt Reno would find enough evidence that the prez really was Dialing for Demo Dollars from the Oval Office. Or that maybe he was but, as he says, he doesn't remember doing it. Or that he remembers doing it, but he didn't like it. Or that he liked it, but didn't believe it was wrong. Or that he believed it was wrong, but no wronger than it was for any Republican president...(Or that he always dialed the wrong number?)
Of course, if Janet does decide to go ahead and appoint another independent counsel (this would be No. 49, we think, though we may have lost count) things could get real ugly, Constitution-wise.
But then these crises are what history's made of...
As we like to say: Stay finely tuned...

Hardballs
[And we're not talking NBA finals]
Lawyers on both sides of the Jones v. Clinton matter upped the ante on Sunday's talk shows, playing right into our eager hands, so to speak...

Paula Jones' lawyers said they want her to be compensated for her trouble, having seen her reputation dragged through the mud (of an Arkansas trailer park) since the case surfaced years ago. (In other words, they want President Bill to whip out his...uh...checkbook this time...) Jones has insisted she doesn't wish to profit from the allegations, and that any money she does receive go to charity. Presidential lawyer Robert Bennett said the prez would go for that--as long as Clinton gets to pick the charity: Some well-deserving legal defense fund, perhaps? Bennett hinted he'll smear Jones even more than she claims she has been if her team tries to bring up Clinton's tawdry past. To produce practically the only physical evidence in the case, the president's distinguishing characteristics--which Jones claims she can describe in (minute?) detail--her lawyer Joseph Cammarata said a medical exam could be conducted, but--it is the president after all--privately. "We're not going to...have it done in the public square." This is all we have to say about that: Thank God for small miracles...

Now you know The in-house (rumor mill) has this "juicy one" floating about...Seems someone is implying that the plastic surgeon hired to cover up the surgery scars on Prez Bill's leg might have "altered" some other, uh..."scars," possibly changing his recognizable appearance. The rumor goes on to speculate that this is why Bill is now eager to whip it out with Ms. Jones in a courtroom. I suppose someone in court might ask Prez Hillary to confirm whether or not anything changed lately, but all she could say was, "...that was so long ago...I don't recall." Just a rumor, fun to speculate, nobody said it was true. --jcgordon (AKA: "Boppa John!")

But, but...the cat ate my homework!
Though it took four months to make up its mind, the Supreme Court hardly missed a beat in telling President Bill he and his distinguishing characteristic had better show up in court to face Mrs. Jones...

The White House was hoping against hope (Ark.) that it wouldn't come to this: That the President of these here United States of America would have to walk into court, pull his pants down and prove once and for all that he wasn't the fella who lured Mrs. Jones into a hotel room and nearly forced her into doing God knows what... But on this day in May, the Supremes turned a deaf ear to "Executive Privilege," "I will not get in a lineup with Marv Albert," "My leg's broke--it hurts awful when I walk," and other such lame excuses that the prez and his merry band of lawyers could conjure up. Oh well, at least it'll take his mind off of other matters...

One for the Gimper

Whether he was sleep-walking, staggering drunk or Starr gazing without his night goggles, Bill Clinton's injury will be with him--and us--for some time to come.

A few initial thoughts:

We understand that besides the obvious constitutional reason, the prez refused a general anesthesia because he's sticking with his no-inhaling policy.

Greg Norman better have a damn fine lawyer. (After all, Bill could use the money).

His first question at Bethesda: Is this covered under Part A or Part B?

Finally, Bob (" 'member me?") Dole can beat Bill Clinton in the 100-year dash.

Now the Bubster has a legitimate reason not to have sex with Hillary ("Doctor's orders, hon!").

Your thoughts are welcome.
Already the reviews are trickling in. From royal reader Rob Kemp comes this outburst about the prez's nocturnal knee-jerk:

"I am hoping the Daily Muse will have an exclusive on President Bubba's little booboo (knee). The American people thought Ronald Reagan was a good actor. The Slickster is milking the knee injury for all its worth.
"Rumour has it that Bubba incurred the injury on a date. Bubba asked for the same thing that he asked Paula Jones only this time his date took matters in her own hands by cross blocking his knee. Poor wittle slickmeister, that mean old lady (no not Hillary) was so rough and disrespectful to the president. Bubba must be thinking: Where are those Arkansas state troopers when you need one?"

What's good for the golden goose...
It's only fitting that on the same day recently:

President Bill was in New York collecting a cool, soft million for the Demos at an Upper East Side jewelry-rattler, despite his pledge to lobby for campaign reform that would clamp down on these sorts of fund-raisers. New York Sen. Al D'Amato

Sen. Alfonse ("I'm from New York--wanna do somethin' bout it?") D'Amato was busy explaining why there was nothing wrong with his taking a few million from a U.S. Senate Republican election fund and spending it to fill the campaign coffers of pols in his home state. Without telling the folks who gave the money that it wasn't going where they thought it was.
Both the Bubster and the Fons said they did what they did because "the other guys do it all the time." An argument familiar to any pre-schooler worthy of his Power Rangers socks.
At least they could come up with a better one like:

"My lawyer said it was OK." (Oh wait, someone else we know tried that one recently without much success...) or

"If I didn't take the money, the missus would get real mad..."

Great minds...

Meeting of
the mines
It was an historic occasion when the president and leaders of Congress, mortal enemies most days, decided to allow themselves to breath the same air and sit down together--but not too close, lest their elbow cooties rub off on each other and mutate into some unnatural subhuman life form...

Televised coverage of the meeting--They let the cameras into this thing but not the O.J. case, what's wrong with this country?--focused on the Bubster riding all the way down Pennsylvania Ave. in his limo and walking into the Capitol under his own power in the spirit of bipartisanship. (We'll just call it gravity and leave it at that.)
As scripted, Bill, Newt, Trent and the other brave leaders emerged with a five-point agreement on things both sides could agree on if they really, really had to agree on anything:

Spring is almost around the corner.

Star Wars is really better the second time around, even though it's the same movie we just shelled out $16.95 for at the video store.

We'll keep our hands to ourselves whenever using public elevators.

The budget can be balanced, if we can only stop spending so much on big programs and promise not to promise our best buddies so many big tax breaks.

If indicted, we will deny; if convicted, we will appeal; if our convictions are upheld, we'll go quietly into the night never again to be seen in our present human life form...

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