The Daily Muse: DonkeyCon (the 1996 Democratic National Convention)

presents DonkeyCon, the 1996 Democratic National Convention

A bridge too long Maybe the bar was raised just a bit too high by Evan Bayh, Hillary Clinton or, yes, even "You-can-call-me" Al Gore. But if Bill Clinton promises not to make another speech, he might just get all the votes he wants this November.
Was it us, or did you think he wore out the "Bridge to the Future" bit? First time was OK; the 18th was overkill. What's he talking about? The passage of time is inevitable. We all get old, then we die.
In his speech, Clinton managed to be for all the right things: students, homeowners, alligators, Castro haters and people who don't want their airplanes to blow up.
The point of all this is that Bill didn't really need to say much after his early line: "I accept." He could have saved us all the hour that followed and just cut right to the balloon and confetti drop.
Alas, it's only the beginning. Come Tuesday, the real campaign begins.

Now that we think about it, our memory tells us the Dole-man wanted to call his campaign "Back to the Future," so both Bill and Bob may be on the same track after all. But then again, that's how train wrecks occur...

Money, man

As we sit here wiping away obligatory tears midway through "Convention: The Mini-Series" and admiring Al Gore's new-found vitality ("It's alive!"), we wonder...
What extra goodies will Billy Baby toss our way as his loco-motive (R.R. 1) chugs into the Windbag City?
All the media mavens who complained that no news is no news—and have made that their stories—now threaten to spoil the Clint's big surprise and let his cat out of the bag before its time.
No, not the announcement that he humbly accepts the uncontested nomination for a fifth and final term

(The Constitution was amended while you slept, you apathetic Americans).
But the one where he promises to meet Bobdole's 15% tax and raise him two ("Oh-oh, Mr. President. Better not say 'raise' and 'tax' in the same sentence--could spell trouble.").
Yes, we're talking capital gains tax cut—help the rich, trickle down, soak the poor.
Sound familiar? Well if you thought the phrase was a Republican exclusive, guess again.
Bill's plan: You sell your house and make money doing it (It's not happening many places this year but maybe someday), you get a tax break. Even middle-class folk.
POW! Take that Bob.
Hey, it's an election year, baby. Anything goes. Even fiscal violence...

It takes a village, idiot
Well, once again our sources proved unreliable. Hillary played her speech to the party faithful straight.
No Liddy-like strutting on the convention floor (or swinging high above it for that matter) with the common left-wingers.
Just an honest, from-the-heart political talk (albeit accompanied by the tearful strains of "Stand by Your Man" playing in the background).
Except.
Except when Ole Hill went a bit over the top—OK, she lost it—defending her "it-takes-a-village" philosophy.
"You heard Bob Dole malign my integrity in San Diego. He said it takes a family to raise a child, not a village.
"I could not disagree more. In fact, I know it takes more than a village or a family. It takes a whole g—mn planet. No, an entire f—ng UNIverse...
"Why if we ever do find life on Mars, you'll see I'm right..."
It was a sad sight to see when the Secret Service agents had to wrestle the first lady off the podium, but somehow we all knew it had to be done.
For the sake of the children (who stayed up late watching) if no one else....

Live from Chi-Town

They contemplated putting her up on a trapeze flying high above the throng at United Center with the greatest of ease.
They even thought she might do a few magic tricks ("Look very carefully as I make these documents reappear before your very eyes.").
Anything to try to top Liddy's hit show in San Diego.
Finally, the Demo strategicos hit upon the perfect gimmick for the First Lady's big moment in Chicago.
Yes, if our unreliable sources are correct, Hillary will shock the convention by appearing as a floor reporter for DonkeyTV.
That way she can ask and answer all the right questions--nothing about Whitewater or any of the other boating scandals plaguing the Clinton White House.
(Her first interviewee: the New York delegation's Eleanor Roosevelt.)

Dole on Chicago:

"It's a gas!"

Bob Dole, visiting Chicago, claims he wasn't there to crash Bill Clinton's party. He just came to take in the Windy City's sights and smells...
In a strange and twisted scene reminiscent of the riots of '68, Dole used the occasion to protest President Bill's signing of welfare reform.
"I know what it's like to rely on benefits. And it's just not fair," shouted Dole, sensing he finally found an issue, odd as it may be, on which he and the Bubster differ.
Chicago's men in blue, under orders to bring order by Da Mayor Richard J. Daley's great-great grandson, responded the only way they knew how: tear gas and billy clubs.
But in an inexplicable screw-up, the gas mixture was somehow altered, rendering the distinct odor of...
You guessed it--grass. Aaaaahhh, how the times have changed.
(Or have they?)

Reminisce about the GOParty (Bob & Jack's San Diego bash)

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Scurry over to Bubba Muse and see what Bill's up to

Go to Dolesville, or whatever

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