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daily muse
Rewriting history in real time...

When all fails

     The end of the world as we know it is near. He're why:

  • Hong Kong and the rest of the world's stock markets disintegrate when the former British colony wakes up, rubs its eyes and and realizes the communists have taken over...

  • The Florida Marlins, a minor league team, are allowed to "pinch hit," refuse to leave the field, then accidentally win the World Series...

  • In another El Nino-
    related event, the state of Colorado slides into the Arctic Circle...

  • The Daily Muse, deciding that most of its readers are aging Baby Boomers, enlarges its typface and realizes this means it doesn't have to write as much to fill the page...


  • Inviting disaster?

         In the he-still-doesn't-
    get-it department, President Bill announced he could meet with Janet Reno to discuss the campaign fund-raising fiasco "anytime, anyplace, anyhow."

         "In fact, I'd be willing to have Ms. Reno over to the house for coffee if she wants," Clinton told reporters aboard Air Force One, (which was last seen heading to a country without an extradition treaty).
         His cup: One cream.
         Hers: No sugar...

    Ear's the news Ed Bradley, a real stud

         Forget the Washington fund-raising mess, Paula Jones's depositions or any other so-called "important" stuff...

         Listen, here's the BIG Story of the day: Ed Bradley becomes the first TV network news anchor in history (at least the first we've noticed) to face the camera with a bejeweled lobe. (We can't wait to see how many conservative sponsors will bail--all but one: Miracle Ear, of course...)
         The 60-Minute Man broke the bare-ear barrier as a substitute for Dan Rather on the CBS Evening News.
         Not to be outdone, Dan took the night off to have his tongue pierced...

    Clinton calls an inaudible

    President Bill      The White House seems like a dandy place to go if you need to "find" things you really didn't know were missing in the first place...

         Not too long ago, it was a box of Hillary's papers on the Whitewater mess that turned up unexpectedly in an office next to hers. Now it's a bunch of home videos of President Bill shmoozing with corporate America's finest leaders over coffee in a place called the White House "map room" (must be where all the maps are kept...).
         The tapes reportedly show Clinton glad-handing with the blue suits while his aides refuse to accept large wheelbarrows full of cash the visitors managed to sneak in. Former Democratic National Chairman Don Fowler tells one eager donator to keep his money but to expect a call back soon.
         "While that's not in good taste, it sure isn't illegal," ex-Clinton strategist Dick Morris explained. Guess he should know from good taste.
         And while the tapes (previously secret because they could embarrass to you know who) come complete with audio, one--in which the infamous John Huang appears--is eerily silent ("Paging Rosemary Woods...").
    Flying elephant      In response, the White House announced the appointment of Walt Disney's Dumbo as the president's new hearing aide. "Not only does he (the elephant) have big ears, but he's got a longer memory than most of us do," spokesman Mike McCurry said.

         As we like to say: Stay finely tuned (and turn up the volume...)


    The Daily Muse
    (Redundantly repetitive)

         Events continue to overwhelm us, so here again is our quick take on the latest:

    Microsoft Internet Explorer browser loading logo Netscape browser loading logo

  • Explore this. With its big rollout of Internet Explorer 4.0, ("The Mother of All Browsers") Microsoft has finally managed to take over the last remaining bit of desktop real estate it did not already own. A secret new feature: You must use your middle (mouse) finger to access the Netscape site.

  • Taxing times. The IRS promises to ease up on its abuse of taxpayers this coming filing season. That's not saying much, since Congress has agreed to take up the role...

  • One for the road. She's still dead, but the investigation continues. The latest in the probe of Di's fatal crash: Tests show the driver was drunk enough to pledge in 4 out of 5 U.S. fraternities...

  • In so many words:

    Marv Albert askew      Herewith is selected text from a recent Washington Post account of events in an Arlington, Va., hotel and courtroom:

       ...sexual...threesome...gentle...celebrities...
    sodomy...willingly...gratification...underwear...
    fantasies...Knicks-Bullets...oral...money...
    Peter Jennings...rough sex was consensual...
    not aggressive biting...high-minded...adult
    movies?....

    [Ahh, the dangers of speed-reading.]


    Marv: A Cautionary Tale by reader Michelle Sabadash.

    Previously in the Muse


       Wait, there's lots more Muse:

    *Bubba Muse: Reno rolls the dice; Jones v. Clinton; Lincoln Bedroom secrets
    *In the Stars: Dead from Chicago; Ellen inspires us to come out; Oprah!
    *Keeping it Short: In the Cosmo, Gates@CBS and other scraps from the heap of history
    *Coffeegate: Thompson's painful probe; showmeDEMOney
    *Sporting Muse: Earless Evander; Marv!; Chest mate; Catch a Tiger
    *Whitewaterworld: Covering the mess like a wet blanket
    *Page 3: Pentagon dog food; Mad about Albright; Maybe Ollie Stone will call
    *Wreaking Havoc: Mind-numbing coverage of McVeigh and other crime
    *Media Madness: Cracking the CIA story; MSNBC deserves a promotion
    *Muse Briefs: That's a big 1040, good buddy; Smoking tobacco talks
    *Heaven Can Wait: Because you're dying to read more about them
    *Al Gore: Because it's never too early to get a jump on his 2000 problem
    *Bizmuse: Courting the Web; Elmo drives; Yee-ha!
    *Worldly Muse: Pierre's got the TWA ticket; Deng dips Dow; Baghdad room service
    *The State of O.J.: Clinton cedes ratings war to Simpson; The poll--you've had it
    *AOL goes AWOL: Getting on Steve's Case; just browsing
    *Inauguration: Family photos; promises, promises; the Dole in the machine
    *Newt: Cover boy; the bass ackwards ballot
    *O.J.: The very first interview (starring Katie and Tom)
    *The Back Page: Desiring Janet; Tony Lake's homework; Eleanor's listening
    *The home stretch: The Final Daze of Campaign '96; The Muse plays it safe
    *Vault to our poll: Bubba, Bobdole, Perot and Muse Mascot duke it out
    *Debate96: WJC vs JFK; Dole spits
    *Dick Morris: Time's man of the moment; Playing all sides
    *DonkeyCon: Hillary's village people; Bill's bridge (needs) work
    *The '96 GOParty: The speech; Hail Mary; Divine inspiration
    *Olympics Special: Metamucil moment; Topping (for) the Dream Team
    *Filegate: Overdue from the J. Edgar Hoover Public Library
    *Page 2: Impossible mission; Clinton undercover; What a Dick
    *Museplex: Shows run continuously
    *Searching for Science of Life: Eureka!; Millennium madness; Zero-gravity pasta
    *Dolesville: Spelled forward or backward--it's still Bob
    *Gates@NBC: Let's be Friends; Live from Redmond, it's Saturday Night!


    Selected
    The Web Magazine
    May & October 1997

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    Published periodically since August 31, 1995
    1997 The Daily Muse