Covering Whitewater like a soggy blanket
In the wet of things
Authorities had a difficult time serving Hillary
with her Whitewater grand jury subpoena,
The Daily Muse has learned. It seems the Secret Service
kept telling the process server that the first lady
wasn't home, even though she was seen waving from the White House
balcony and thumbing her nose. The independent counsel's man
finally caught up with her as she emerged from the flood-swollen
Potomac River after an invigorating round of whitewater kayaking.
Not to be outdone, Hillary later declared she wouldn't appear
before the grand jury because she had misplaced the subpoena.
Ken Starr's probe has reached deep into
President Bill's dirty-sock drawer in search of something, anything
that will yield an indictment, any indictment in the Whitewater
The latest revelation, from the Washington Post's
Bob Woodward: Starr sent G-men into the Arkansas hinterlands in search
of women from Clinton's past who might have something relevant to reveal
about the case.
Sure. Maybe one of them heard the Bubbster,
in the heat of an intimate moment, utter an incriminating word or two
about his illicit real estate dealings ("Oh baby, Jim, Susan, Hillary
and I didn't pay any closin' costs or anything...")
This comes on the heels of another report
that Starr's squad was ready to ask for a box (containing dirty
underwear, perhaps?) in the president's private quarters. And
earlier this week, the Supreme Court failed to block
Starr from getting his hands on Hillary's lawyers' notes.
What next for the Prez: A court-ordered
strip search on the White House lawn?
As we've said before, stay finely tuned...
Your papers, please
a comment, the Supremes quietly turned
away the First Missus's request for protection from Big Bad
Ken Starr's Whitewater Truth Squad...
That left the White House no choice
but to deliver Hillary Clinton's lawyer's notes to the special
prosecutor. Starr has all but said she's his most likely target
(Which became ever so evident when
he submitted to the court measurements
for ruffled prison-cell window treatments--decorated with
the First Lady's seal, of course...).
One can only guess what the papers
will tell Starr that he
didn't already know:
That Hillary really digs guys with distinguishing characteristics...
That Vince Foster really knew how to take--and give--a deposition...
That Governor Bill and Jim McDougal used to whisper and laugh about her
behind her back, and she knew it...
That the whole Whitewater thing was--get this--Chelsea's fault
(The kid asked if she could go rafting and, well,
one thing led to another...)
Spare the reel
on-again Whitewater special prosector Ken Starr
says his fishing expedition needs more time to land a couple of big ones...
Fine, we'll give
him another 6 months, now that he says Bill and Hillary's ex-business
partner James McDougal has dropped a load on the First Couple.
But if he hopes to make them the Catch of the Day,
Starr had better have more than the word of McDougal to go by. By
appearances alone--and they count for a lot, don't they--Jim-Bob would
have a tough time selling a used car to the lunch-time crowd
at the Denny's outside Little Rock.
Sure, Jim says Bill & Hill lied about who said
what to whom when and who knew about it. But it would be naive
to think a politician of the first order such as the Prez wouldn't
have gotten where he was today without telling a fib or two along
And McDougal says he's told a few whoppers himself.
So we have to judge the magnitude of the fibbing
to gauge whether this thing amounts to more than a hill of beans--or a can
So far, we have to wait and see what
Starr pulls out of the water. But odds are whatever it is won't smell
health of the country, maybe they should appoint the Sturgeon General
to look into all this...)
Pants on fire
just can't win for trying.
Just the other day,
the president had to explain why his men scrambled
to line up high-paying work for "Webb" Hubbell, a long-time
Friend of Bill and an ex-Justice Department official.
"They were people who were genuinely concerned that
there was a man who was out of work" who had a family to feed, Clinton
said of aides "Erskine" Bowles and "Mack" McLarty. (Well, if
he's so concerned about unemployment, the government just reported
that 1 out of 20 Americans are without jobs...)
Prosecutor-at-large Kenneth Starr and everybody else want to know whether Clinton and company were trying to hush Hubbell, who might know a thing
or two about the Whitewater mess back in Arkansas. And
everybody around the prez is receiving invites to meet with a grand
Now to make matters worse--if that's possible,
and we truly think it is--Hubbell tells Mike ("59 minutes to go") Wallace
that he lied to President Bill about stealing
from Hillary's old law firm.
How's that for gratitude?
"The guy deserves a fat lip," said
an official familiar with the president's thinking...
Ken Starr has finally gotten
to the bottom of the Vince Foster matter only to discover
what everyone already knew--Bill Clinton's former lawyer
is still dead.
Starr's shocking conclusion
about the White House murder conspiracy?
There was none. Foster did himself in, just as the
official reports always said.
...for about 5 seconds. For we and
they still don't know where Hillary buried the body...
Coming from the conservative quarters of Starr,
the on-again, off-again, on-again Whitewater special prosecutor,
the yet-to-be released report should silence the ultra-right-wing-dingbat
The sight of Susan
McDougal being hauled off in chains for
the alleged sins of Bill & Hillary's Arkansas
past was a pitiful one indeed.
And despite the White House's arm's-length approach
to the matter, it must have sent shivers through certain quarters
at Casa Blanca.
Or did it?
"Look, Hill. Those anklets don't
look too bad on her. Maybe you should try some on for size."
"Oh, Bill. You're such a kidder...You were
joshing, weren't you?"
Musical electric chairs?
"Forget 'Alice in Chains,' Seattle's grunge sound of the
early 90's...Now there's 'Susan In Chains,'
the latest non-singing sensation out of Little Rock!
"Not a bad outfit...but certainly unconvenient for dancers of the
Rich Moellers, Muse reader
There's so much dirty laundry at the Casa Blanca
these days that it was little surprise when Bruce Lindsey, President Bill's Special Adviser
on Eluding Whitewater Prosecutors, ambled onto the White
House lawn and demanded to be interviewed by a pack of lurking reporters.
"I've done nothing wrong--and neither has my buddy Bill," Lindsey, one
of the prez's oldest chums from way back in Arkansas, told the media throng.
"But sir, you are about to be named an unindicted co-conspirator in
Whitewater Trial No. 2 (The Mini-series)," yelled ABC's Brit Hume, who speaks
loudly so people can hear him around the country without having to turn
on their TV sets.
"I'm unindicted, which means I'm unindictable. All I did was deposit
a couple of checks in a bank and failed to get a receipt--is that a crime?"
Lindsey, apparently peeved as heck, snapped back.
Then, unexpectedly--to the shock of all the gathered scribes--the
unindicted aide and lawyer whipped off his pinstriped pants and pointed to
his briefs. "See! I've got nothing to hide.
My underwear's clean. And if
Bill Clinton were to wander out here and do the same thing, you'd
see his is, too."
Clinton did not come out, but later issued this statement through
his loyal echo: "Bruce Lindsey is a fine Arkansan and American. He
is now looking for work. Any help you can give him finding gainful
employment would be much appreciated by both him and me. Thank you."
So President Bill must be shivering in his
boots, worried that his 20-point lead over Bob ("Whatever-it-takes") Dole
will shrink to 19 now that three of Clinton's best
Arkansas buddies are going
down the river in the Whitewater mess.
(To Jim Guy Tucker, who stepped down as governor after
his guilty verdicts, Clinton said: "Now you're an ex-Arkansas
governor--just like me!" And to his friends the McDougal clan,
the prez blew kisses from afar and yelled:
"I still love you guys. And I promise to visit you in jail every
chance I get.")
To those who say the convictions mark the beginning of the end
of Clinton's presidency, we say find us three voters who can tell us
what the whole case is about and we'll buy you and them
a six-pack of Old Milwaukee.
In a country where the capital's mayor can be caught red-fingered doing crack on TV only to
resume public office a few months later, it would take Bill and Hillary
fessing up to something no good on national TV for anybody to pay
Wait a minute...This just
in...CBS has just aired never-before-seen footage of the JFK assassination showing a very
young Clinton on the grassy knoll hoisting a pro-communist banner while
smoking a joint...No, hold on, it's just an
ad for Bob Dole...Whatever...
Somebody thinks we're joking.
As luck for him would have it, ex-Arkansas
Gov. Jim Guy Tucker managed to land four years of probation as his sentence in the
Whitewater mess. The judge said he was really, really impressed with the doctor's
note explaining Tucker's inability to do hard time because of a liver
But the same judge wasn't so easy on ex-Clinton buddy Susan McDougal,
sending her away for 2 years in the can. His honor said he didn't believe
Ms. McD when she said she had a really, really bad toothache...
The Daily Muse has managed to get its
grubby hands on the juicy bits of President Bill Clinton's
videotaped White House/Whitewater testimony. Clinton repeats
the phrase "I am not a crook" 38 times during the 4-hour appearance.
It's not clear, however, whether he was presenting new testimony--or
just reading from a previous president's Teleprompter.
This time, no gap on the tape
Maybe she should have worn O.J.'s gloves
There's a perfectly good reason why
the FBI discovered
Hillary Clinton's fingerprints
all over those hard-to-find billing records from the law firm
where she used to work back in Arkansas. It's because she insisted on fingering
them bare-handed instead of giving them the Whitewater-glove treatment
One thing Newsweek (which broke the Hillary-print story) didn't
report: the FBI ruled out a match to Bill Clinton's prints
because the documents were found to be ketchup-free.
Office of the First Lady of the United States
January 20, 1996
Re: Madison Guarantee, Whitewater Development, etc.
You know and I know that I didn't know what you thought I knew
about that mess back in Arkansas. Sure, maybe I overbilled
on the Madison account but nothing more than that. The
investigation stuff is all a lie.
P.S. I'm telling the grand jury you did it.
My subpoena is bigger than yours
So President Clinton is finding it slippery going in the Whitewater mess.
He was subpoenaed to testify in the Susan and James McDougal
criminal case back in sweet home Arkansas. Bill must have been feeling
a bit skittish about all this. But never fear, Hillary was ready
to offer him advice on what and what not not say.
After all, she'd been there, done that.
An unidentified Whitewater figure (left)
lurks outside the White House as unsuspect-
ing tourists line up in hopes of catching a
pre-indictment glimpse of the First Family.
The rafting trip from hell?
A bad real estate investment?
Bill's lawyer or a lawyer's bills?
Hillary's internal affairs?
Al D'New York's suspicious mind?
The White House filing system: Z-A?
Kayak back to The Daily Muse, for the latest coverage
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