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The Daily Muse
Covering Whitewater like a soggy blanket

In the wet of things

Hillary kayaking in whitewater

Authorities had a difficult time serving Hillary
with her Whitewater grand jury subpoena,
The Daily Muse has learned. It seems the Secret Service
kept telling the process server that the first lady
wasn't home, even though she was seen waving from the White House
balcony and thumbing her nose. The independent counsel's man
finally caught up with her as she emerged from the flood-swollen
Potomac River after an invigorating round of whitewater kayaking.
Not to be outdone, Hillary later declared she wouldn't appear
before the grand jury because she had misplaced the subpoena.

Sleaze search

     Ken Starr's probe has reached deep into President Bill's dirty-sock drawer in search of something, anything that will yield an indictment, any indictment in the Whitewater mess...

     The latest revelation, from the Washington Post's Bob Woodward: Starr sent G-men into the Arkansas hinterlands in search of women from Clinton's past who might have something relevant to reveal about the case.
     Sure. Maybe one of them heard the Bubbster, in the heat of an intimate moment, utter an incriminating word or two about his illicit real estate dealings ("Oh baby, Jim, Susan, Hillary and I didn't pay any closin' costs or anything...")
     This comes on the heels of another report that Starr's squad was ready to ask for a box (containing dirty underwear, perhaps?) in the president's private quarters. And earlier this week, the Supreme Court failed to block Starr from getting his hands on Hillary's lawyers' notes.
     What next for the Prez: A court-ordered strip search on the White House lawn?
     As we've said before, stay finely tuned...

Your papers, please

     With nary a comment, the Supremes quietly turned away the First Missus's request for protection from Big Bad Ken Starr's Whitewater Truth Squad...

     That left the White House no choice but to deliver Hillary Clinton's lawyer's notes to the special prosecutor. Starr has all but said she's his most likely target (Which became ever so evident when he submitted to the court measurements for ruffled prison-cell window treatments--decorated with the First Lady's seal, of course...).
      One can only guess what the papers will tell Starr that he didn't already know:

  • That Hillary really digs guys with distinguishing characteristics...
  • That Vince Foster really knew how to take--and give--a deposition...
  • That Governor Bill and Jim McDougal used to whisper and laugh about her behind her back, and she knew it...
  • That the whole Whitewater thing was--get this--Chelsea's fault (The kid asked if she could go rafting and, well, one thing led to another...)

  • Spare the reel

    Clinton, hooked      Off-again, on-again Whitewater special prosector Ken Starr says his fishing expedition needs more time to land a couple of big ones...

         Fine, we'll give him another 6 months, now that he says Bill and Hillary's ex-business partner James McDougal has dropped a load on the First Couple.
         But if he hopes to make them the Catch of the Day, Starr had better have more than the word of McDougal to go by. By appearances alone--and they count for a lot, don't they--Jim-Bob would have a tough time selling a used car to the lunch-time crowd at the Denny's outside Little Rock.
         Sure, Jim says Bill & Hill lied about who said what to whom when and who knew about it. But it would be naive to think a politician of the first order such as the Prez wouldn't have gotten where he was today without telling a fib or two along the way.
         And McDougal says he's told a few whoppers himself.
         So we have to judge the magnitude of the fibbing to gauge whether this thing amounts to more than a hill of beans--or a can of worms.
         So far, we have to wait and see what Starr pulls out of the water. But odds are whatever it is won't smell too good....

         (For the health of the country, maybe they should appoint the Sturgeon General to look into all this...)


    World Wide Webb
    Pants on fire

         Bill Clinton just can't win for trying.

         Just the other day, the president had to explain why his men scrambled to line up high-paying work for "Webb" Hubbell, a long-time Friend of Bill and an ex-Justice Department official.
         "They were people who were genuinely concerned that there was a man who was out of work" who had a family to feed, Clinton said of aides "Erskine" Bowles and "Mack" McLarty. (Well, if he's so concerned about unemployment, the government just reported that 1 out of 20 Americans are without jobs...)
         Prosecutor-at-large Kenneth Starr and everybody else want to know whether Clinton and company were trying to hush Hubbell, who might know a thing or two about the Whitewater mess back in Arkansas. And everybody around the prez is receiving invites to meet with a grand jury.
         Now to make matters worse--if that's possible, and we truly think it is--Hubbell tells Mike ("59 minutes to go") Wallace that he lied to President Bill about stealing from Hillary's old law firm.
         How's that for gratitude?
         "The guy deserves a fat lip," said an official familiar with the president's thinking...

    Grave doubts

         Ken Starr has finally gotten to the bottom of the Vince Foster matter only to discover what everyone already knew--Bill Clinton's former lawyer is still dead.

         Starr's shocking conclusion about the White House murder conspiracy? There was none. Foster did himself in, just as the official reports always said.
         Coming from the conservative quarters of Starr, the on-again, off-again, on-again Whitewater special prosecutor, the yet-to-be released report should silence the ultra-right-wing-dingbat conspiracy theorists...

    Hillary and Vince
    ...for about 5 seconds. For we and they still don't know where Hillary buried the body...

    Starr stuck

    Kenny Baby

         He cracked under the pressure--twice.
         That's the only explanation for why Sheriff Ken Starr decided to get out of Dodge last Monday, only to turn his horse around 4 days later and say he had made a terrible mistake.
         One can only wonder what thoughts went through his Republican head when he decided to quit as the chief Whitewater/Filegate prober, leaving Bill and Hillary Clinton in near giggles.
         Conventional wisdom among the president's men was that Starr, after months of effort and millions of dollars burned, had come up virtually empty handed, unable to nail the Bubster or the First Missus.
         Starr spent much of the week shouting no, the investigation would go on--with or without him at the helm.
         But all that changed late Friday, when he declared to press and country: "It is my sense that public confidence in the investigation calls upon me to continue my service now."
         Starr insisted his underlings were the ones who called him on the error of his ways and caused him to reconsider. But we can't help thinking that the prospect of being laughed out of town, and becoming a historical footnote, swayed Ken to stay on for a spell...

         (That and the realization of a lifelong dream that people start calling him Kenneth.)

    A prisoner
    of fashion
          The sight of Susan McDougal being hauled off in chains for the alleged sins of Bill & Hillary's Arkansas past was a pitiful one indeed.
         And despite the White House's arm's-length approach to the matter, it must have sent shivers through certain quarters at Casa Blanca.
         Or did it?
         "Look, Hill. Those anklets don't look too bad on her. Maybe you should try some on for size."
         "Oh, Bill. You're such a kidder...You were joshing, weren't you?"
    Musical electric chairs?

    "Forget 'Alice in Chains,' Seattle's grunge sound of the early 90's...Now there's 'Susan In Chains,' the latest non-singing sensation out of Little Rock!

    "Not a bad outfit...but certainly unconvenient for dancers of the Macarena..."
    —Rich Moellers, Muse reader

    Short squeeze

    Bruce Lindsey
    There's so much dirty laundry at the Casa Blanca these days that it was little surprise when Bruce Lindsey, President Bill's Special Adviser on Eluding Whitewater Prosecutors, ambled onto the White House lawn and demanded to be interviewed by a pack of lurking reporters.
    "I've done nothing wrong--and neither has my buddy Bill," Lindsey, one of the prez's oldest chums from way back in Arkansas, told the media throng.
    "But sir, you are about to be named an unindicted co-conspirator in Whitewater Trial No. 2 (The Mini-series)," yelled ABC's Brit Hume, who speaks loudly so people can hear him around the country without having to turn on their TV sets.
    "I'm unindicted, which means I'm unindictable. All I did was deposit a couple of checks in a bank and failed to get a receipt--is that a crime?" Lindsey, apparently peeved as heck, snapped back. Briefs
    Then, unexpectedly--to the shock of all the gathered scribes--the unindicted aide and lawyer whipped off his pinstriped pants and pointed to his briefs. "See! I've got nothing to hide. My underwear's clean. And if Bill Clinton were to wander out here and do the same thing, you'd see his is, too."
    Clinton did not come out, but later issued this statement through his loyal echo: "Bruce Lindsey is a fine Arkansan and American. He is now looking for work. Any help you can give him finding gainful employment would be much appreciated by both him and me. Thank you."

    Whitewater, shmitewater

    So President Bill must be shivering in his boots, worried that his 20-point lead over Bob ("Whatever-it-takes") Dole will shrink to 19 now that three of Clinton's best Arkansas buddies are going down the river in the Whitewater mess.
    (To Jim Guy Tucker, who stepped down as governor after his guilty verdicts, Clinton said: "Now you're an ex-Arkansas governor--just like me!" And to his friends the McDougal clan, the prez blew kisses from afar and yelled: "I still love you guys. And I promise to visit you in jail every chance I get.")
    To those who say the convictions mark the beginning of the end of Clinton's presidency, we say find us three voters who can tell us what the whole case is about and we'll buy you and them a six-pack of Old Milwaukee.
    In a country where the capital's mayor can be caught red-fingered doing crack on TV only to resume public office a few months later, it would take Bill and Hillary fessing up to something no good on national TV for anybody to pay much attention.
    Wait a minute...This just in...CBS has just aired never-before-seen footage of the JFK assassination showing a very young Clinton on the grassy knoll hoisting a pro-communist banner while smoking a joint...No, hold on, it's just an Oliver Stone-produced campaign ad for Bob Dole...Whatever...

    *Somebody thinks we're joking.

    Deferring judgment

    Jim Guy Tucker
    As luck for him would have it, ex-Arkansas Gov. Jim Guy Tucker managed to land four years of probation as his sentence in the Whitewater mess. The judge said he was really, really impressed with the doctor's note explaining Tucker's inability to do hard time because of a liver ailment.
    But the same judge wasn't so easy on ex-Clinton buddy Susan McDougal, sending her away for 2 years in the can. His honor said he didn't believe Ms. McD when she said she had a really, really bad toothache...

    This time, no gap on the tape

    Clinton on TV
    The Daily Muse has managed to get its grubby hands on the juicy bits of President Bill Clinton's videotaped White House/Whitewater testimony. Clinton repeats the phrase "I am not a crook" 38 times during the 4-hour appearance. It's not clear, however, whether he was presenting new testimony--or just reading from a previous president's Teleprompter.

    Maybe she should have worn O.J.'s gloves

    There's a perfectly good reason why the FBI discovered Hillary Clinton's fingerprints all over those hard-to-find billing records from the law firm where she used to work back in Arkansas. It's because she insisted on fingering them bare-handed instead of giving them the Whitewater-glove treatment they deserved.
    One thing Newsweek (which broke the Hillary-print story) didn't report: the FBI ruled out a match to Bill Clinton's prints because the documents were found to be ketchup-free.

    White House Correspondence in script
    Office of the First Lady of the United States
    To: BC From: HC January 20, 1996 Re: Madison Guarantee, Whitewater Development, etc. Dear Bill, You know and I know that I didn't know what you thought I knew about that mess back in Arkansas. Sure, maybe I overbilled on the Madison account but nothing more than that. The investigation stuff is all a lie.
    Hillary Rodham Clinton signature P.S. I'm telling the grand jury you did it.

    My subpoena is bigger than yours

    So President Clinton is finding it slippery going in the Whitewater mess.
    He was subpoenaed to testify in the Susan and James McDougal
    criminal case back in sweet home Arkansas. Bill must have been feeling
    a bit skittish about all this. But never fear, Hillary was ready
    to offer him advice on what and what not not say.

    After all, she'd been there, done that.

    MuseCam Exclusive:

    Scene outside the White House
    An unidentified Whitewater figure (left)
    lurks outside the White House as unsuspect-
    ing tourists line up in hopes of catching a
    pre-indictment glimpse of the First Family.

    Defining Whitewater(gate)
    Pick one:

    *The rafting trip from hell?
    *A bad real estate investment?
    *Bill's lawyer or a lawyer's bills?
    *Hillary's internal affairs?
    *Al D'New York's suspicious mind?
    *The White House filing system: Z-A?

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