He's "been tested." Now,
has chosen to give Bob Dole his very own page
Visit the front page for the latest | Bob's alter ego | Dole rings Tyson
It's a helluva deal for the parties involved...
Newt the Gingrich, like
another prominent leader in Washington,
needed the money. And Bobdole had some to
spare--or at least he knew where to go get it.
Dole to Perot:
"Just quit it!"
Asking ("that's-Billionaire-with-a-B") Ross Perot
to bow out gracefully is an admirable but feeble attempt by Bobdole
to boost interest in the presidential contest.
With Bobdole facing certain doom in the U.S. come Nov. 5, the recent upheaval in Moscow could present a perfect post-election opportunity for the Republican.
Ex-Gen. Alexander Lebed's sudden ouster as Russia's security chief could be a great job opening for Dole, who's made much of his tough military background during the presidential campaign.
And besides, the two men share an eerie separated-at-birth resemblance. (Hint: Check out the eyebrows.)
At our request, plenty of Daily Muse readers have already responded with suggestions for a Dole role in Clinton's second-term administration:
Bobdole's decision to focus on California at the expense of key Northeastern states in the precious few weeks remaining before the election can only mean one thing.
Dole has decided that since he can't possibly win the U.S. election, he'll shoot for president of California, instead.
Somewhat unreliable sources tell the Muse that campaign officials haven't yet figured out the minor constitutional issues this strategy would raise, but they hope it all works out in the end....
With just weeks to go until the Big Day, Bob ("I should be only 10 points behind by now") Dole landed in San Diego and declared himself truly and finally disgusted with the whole damn thing.
"Today, in this wonderful city of San Clemente, I hereby pledge to run a negative campaign. I have nothing more positive to say about my opponent.
"I tried being a nice guy, even compared him to a wonderful clown, but look where it got me. Nowhere, man.
"So today, I'm officially making character an issue in this campaign.
"You should all be disgusted about this president with his hands all over Whitewater, Filegate, and Travelgate. Now it has come to light that he may well have taken money from foreign contributors who tried to influence policy with their campaign cash.
"Well, let me make myself clear. The Bobdole campaign will only accept money donated by good, honest American influence-peddlers. Bobdole will 'Just Say No Way Jose' to overseas money. Especially from people whose last names are long and difficult to pronounce..."
Why, none other than President Bill, that's who. Asked by Baba Wawa on ABC's "20/20" (you don't need glasses to watch this show) if he could see his way clear to finding a slot in his administration for the Bobster, Clinton, being a nice fella and all, paused, then said, "Sure. Why not?"
So, to help Bubba find just the right job for the Dole-man, we present a few of the possibilities:
National drug czar (he's got the slogan already);
Chelsea's moral compass;
Ambassador to Iraq;
Hillary Clinton's public relations chief;
Official greeter at the visitors' center;
White House gardner (while puttering around, he can peek in on the Oval Office to check out the action);
Al Gore's (stiff) stand-in; or
Official cleaner-upper of Socks' kitty litter box.
The president vehemently denied being a "closet liberal," a charge slung at the Bubster in recent days by his rival (latest slogan: "I'm not Bill Clinton.")
Dismissing Bobdole's attackin which the Republican repeated the L-word for a good 30 minutes or socthe president even denied having a closet (or ever being in one).
And besides, Clinton insisted, "if I had one it wouldn't be that big. Not a walk-in, or anything. Something more modest, a couple of suits, a few shirts and some shoes. Nothing as big, as say, Imelda Marcos's."
"Just don't do it. Just don't do it. Just don't do it. Just don't do it. Just don't do it. Just don't do it. Just don't do it. Just don't do it. Just don't do it. Just don't do it. Just don't do it. Just don't do it. Just don't do it. Just don't do it. Just don't do it..."
And so it went--on and on, over and over, for 30 minutes or so, until we could take it no longer and switched the channel to an infomercial about house paint.
First, he got in trouble for being a little too creative with lyrics for Sam & Dave's "Soul Man."
Now the Bobster is bound to face legal action from Nike, with his "Just Don't Do It" slogan.
Soon, some kids who got the message a little twisted will be walking to school barefoot...
| As a public service, we
present the full text of Bobdole's
anti-drugs, anti-sex, anti-rock 'n
roll speech: |
Asked on CBS's 60 Minutes whether he really, really meant it, Dole replied: "I'll say no. Period."
Are you sure, Bob? "I just said no."
Just checking. After all, haven't we heard that one before?
Dole also denied his program would debilitate Medicare and Medicaid. "They're not even on the table," he said. "Maybe they're under the table, but not on it."
Asked at the National Association of Black Journalists convention what he would do to help create jobs for inner-city youths, Dole was quick to reply.
His answer had little to do with education, training or even enterprise zones.
Cut the capital gains tax, Dole said.
"Let's help those kids so they don't have to pay so much in taxes when they sell their stocks."
It's the Republican way...
One party fits all|
The Dole-Kemp ticket is hoping to erase all the difficulty folks might have in deciding who should occupy the White House come January.
In a bit of post-convention craftsmanship, Bobdole described the GOP as the Reform Party. Sidekick Jack Kemp, meanwhile, is calling Republicans the only true Democrats. Confused?
Well, the idea of a single choice is hardly original. Not only did the Soviets run with it for long while, the tactic is also very popular at Saturn. ("You don't like our price? Check out the Pluto dealer next door.")
Just Do It!
Bob Dole can't believe people
doubt he can balance the budget and cut taxes
(walk and chew gum) at the same time.
Wait, this just in...
Please Sir, may we lick the bowl?
Maybe it's intentional--just so the Dole-man can say he didn't look us straight in the eye when he promised his giveaway wouldn't break the federal piggy bank.
No soul, man
Margin of error is +/- 15 percentage points, depending on the freshness of our calculator batteries.
We've been in the neighborhood before.
Bye, bye Bob
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