The Front Page
is not afraid to cover it
As his first proclamation, Mohammed Khatami, Iran's new "moderate" president, declared that the United States would no longer be called "The Great Satan."
Instead, the toned-down phrase "You Little Devil, You" will be used.
President Bill's declaration that China continues to be one of his most favorite nations was...shall we say...unsurpris-
What with the substantial percentage
of China's gross national product going to support his
and other Democrats' 1996 campaigns, continuing
for another year was the least the prez could do.
To: The Daily Muse
It's here! It's the Popester on line! Starting Easter Sunday, tune in
http://www.vatican.va and you can go on line with the big hats!
They danced that minuet in Helsinki,
where Bill "Bill" Clinton and Boris "The Spider" Yeltsin
whooped it up despite their respective medical maladies.
("Hey Boris, trade ya some percodan for some of that
Oliver Stone is holding on line one...
Paranoid conspiracy theorists are having a field day with the latest round of reports that a U.S. Navy missile plucked TWA Flight 800 and its 230 victims from the sky last July.
And were it not for the repeated denials
of government officials--who still haven't ruled out
O.J.'s involvement--we would believe the
to be as bogus as an offer of free lodging at the White House. But
as the great Bard once wrote (in a drunken stupor),
"Me believeth they protesteth
once too muchly."
(We think not.)
Deng Xiaoping, one of the last lions of the communist era, dies at 92. ("Don't try to pin this one on me," says O.J. Simpson, "I was on the 18th with a putter...")
The Dow, the mighty symbol of capitalism, immediately sinks from all-time, never-before-seen record highs, plunging 140 points in two days.
A mere coincidence or is someone trying to tell us something? (Like don't be in a hurry to knock down the Great Wall...)
At the risk of the whole thing back-firing into some bloody, tragic fiasco, are those terrorists holding 100 hostages at the Japanese embassy in Lima cuddly or what?
Built up as heartless fanatics capable of doing terrible wrong, this group (named, we understand, after the late American rap artist Tupac Yo Lunch) has released more hostages than originally captured.
They've even allowed the Red Cross to bring in holiday goodies, including several Christmas trees and champagne bottles for New Year's.
We hope all continues to go well and end well, but with living conditions improving so rapidly at the Japanese compound, we wonder if these folks will ever come out...
According to the feds, we have FBI agent Earl Edwin Pitts selling U.S. state secrets ("Watch out for Georgia troopers, comrade") to commies and former Reds (Pete Rose, now blue) for a cool quarter-mil.
So capitalism works after all.
(Until you're caught...)
The little Russian Mars space probe that couldn't go all the way fell harmlessly into the Pacific Ocean, we are told by officials round the globe.
But our extremely unreliable sources whistle a different tune.
For many hours this weekend, these sources say, the life of the president of the United States of America was in extreme danger of being snuffed out prematurely.
As you may know, President Bill was vacationing in Hawaii, frolicking on an Oahu golf course. This, of course, is in the same hemisphere as where the plutonium-laden space probe was due to plummet from the heavens.
Anyway, to make a long story short, these sources say the president and his clubs were spared a premature snuff-out when U.S. Patriot missiles shot the Russian craft out of the sky upon re-entry.
"It's a miracle," a stunned but relieved Clinton told aides after the close call. "Now, I've still got time for a few more holes..."
(Note to conspiracy buffs/ X-Files afficionados: Vice President Al Gore, who maintains close contact with Russian space officials, denies he had anything to do with the incident. "I'll wait my turn," the stiff one said.)
James Bond he ain't
Harold Nicholson's arrest as a CIA reverse half-gainer double agent left top U.S. spy John Deutch and FBI chief Louis Freeh trying to put the best (red) face on the situation.
Yes, Nicholson was one of the highest ranking U.S. intelligence officers ever caught spying for the other side, Deutch said.
But we did good because we caught the turncoat, said Freeh, who's got a few problems of his own.
Besides, Deutch added, it took us less time to find this guy than it did to nail Aldrich Ames. And no CIA "assets" were killed as a result of the Nicholson fiasco, said Deutch, leaning on a stack of Tom Clancy novels. (Hey John, how about the agency's liabilities? How are they doing?)
So what do we make of all this? Surprise, surprise: Despite the end of the Cold War and billions in aid flowing from Washington to Moscow, the U.S. is still spying on the Russians and they're still spying on U.S.
The more things change the more they stay the same...
This is the kind of news you can find here and no place else on Earth.
It so happens that Pope John Paul II is slated for surgery to remove his appendix. It also happens that Russian Prez Boris Yeltsin soon will undergo the knife to have his heart opened.
It has come to our attention that these two operations are to take place at the same place and time in adjacent operating rooms. (Suspend reality for a moment, please. Work with us people, work with us...)
In an inexplicable but inevitable mixup, the Pope gets the heart of Boris and the Russian leader is wheeled away with the pontiff's appendix.
A few days later, His Holiness emerges from the hospital with an unquenchable thirst for vodka, lots and lots of vodka...
While Boris, well...he dons a funky papal outfit and embarks on a world tour, spreading a message of love and goodwill to all peoplekind.
We know what you're thinking, but you're too late. We've got dibs on movie rights...
President Bill says he doesn't want to engage in a "word war" with Saddam Hussein, but he'll do so if necessary. In preparation, Clinton announced the formation of an unprecedented Pentagon/Department of Education joint task force. Strategists from both agencies will come together in an unusual "military/intelligence" mind-meld.
"We've managed to stockpile 3,000 verbs in the Persian Gulf region and we're quickly deploying an additional 2,100 adjectives from bases and libraries in Europe and Asia," a task force official told the Muse.
"Of course, we're still having some problems getting our allies in lineespecially the Frenchbut we're working on it."
"We know Saddam, a master of the invective, has cleverly managed to squirrel away a few thousand curse words in his bunkers and beyond the reach of our planes, so we have to remain vigilant..."
According to another source, the U.S. is prepared to use a previously undisclosed weapon known as STT: Stealth-Thesaurus Technology.
|Moon over Baghdad|
Welcome. This evening's program is sponsored by the folks who brought you the deadly Stealth bomber, the ultimate projection of power in a power-hungry world...
Wouldn't it be great if those
CNN guys would
tell us how they really feel when they stand up at the Pentagon and report
the wonderful plans Bubba, Will and Shali have for
your foe and mine, Saddam Hussein?
They say this time he's gone too far, making fun of the United States of America like that. So they're gonna teach him a lesson.
"See, 'round about midnight or so, a bunch of these here cool-looking Stealth bombers are going to descend on Baghdad and blow the crap out of this fella once and for all. At least that's what our sources tell us.
"Anyway, what I really want to tell you is this. In order for those babies to fly undetected by radar or humans, the pilots have to fly buck naked. That's right. Any clothes they might be wearing, especially shiny medals or buttons and such, would be picked up. So word is they'll be mooning ole Saddam even as they drop the big ones on him.
"Well, from the Pentagon, this is Jamie McIntyre, over and out."
U.S. officials said the cruise missiles
launched at Iraq were aimed at deflating Saddam Hussein's ego.
But the Iraqis insisted the weapons missed their mark, even
failing to wound his pride.
But the Iraqis insisted the weapons missed their mark, even failing to wound his pride.
(no reservations needed)
By Ear U. Go
The Daily Muse
Hearing Peter Arnett's voice echo from the Al-Rasheed Hotel brings back memories of Gulf War past.
But this time the folks at CNN forgot to disconnect the line from Baghdad and we imagined that we could hear Peter arguing loudly with someone from room service about the lack of ice for his refreshments...
Somehow the second time around (maybe it's the third or fourth, we've lost count) the situation in Iraq seems less dramatic than it did a few years ago. This war by remote control seems too easy, somehownot that we long for the sight of body bags but...
How many times can Saddam be built up just so the guy in the Oval Office can conveniently knock him down?
Which brings us to the question (attention conspiracy buffs): if Washington really wanted to get rid of this guy, and those cruise missiles really can turn on a dinar at the corner of Tammuz and Yaffa, wouldn't the Great Satan have sent one down his rathole by now?
Wait, Peter's breaking in
with another special report.
News from the front
Analysts said the move could be a royal boon to auto trade between the two nations.
("Could you be more specific, Mr. President?")
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