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     As the final hours of Bill Clinton's first presidency ticked away, we were left with too many thoughts to keep inside. So we were forced to dump a few on your screen...

     Sometime during the presidential campaign, Bob Dole must have said it would be a cold day in hell when Bill Clinton is sworn in to a second term. With temperatures in Washington way below freezing, guess Bob was right...

     Now that Newt Gingrich's legal bills are right up there with the Bubster's, will we soon see them on competing telethons--each making a la Jerry Lewis, begging for dollars until we give in and pop a check in the mail?
     "Announcer: 'Newt was a cute all-American little boy, until he grew up, got into politics and ran into trouble...Now he needs our help more than ever. Won't you give now?'"

     The way we see it, Dennis Rodman's $1 million suspension for kicking a cameraman down there is a win-win-win situation: Despite a bit of pain, the victim is sure to collect a sizable settlement; Rodman revives his image as the baddest of the bad boys; and if (Michael Jordan comes down with a cold and) da Bulls start losing a few, Rodman's sure to become worth more next time his contract comes up. Perfect.

     Hillary tells C-SPAN, she and Bill enjoy homework like to cleaning out closets as a form of relaxation (and fund raising?). You never know when certain White House guests might leave behind a suitcase full of money. And besides, we always knew the first couple was just plain folks...

End it now

Presidential thoughts      There it was, another moment of glory at the White House for the leader of the free world--squashed by the mundane realities of life atop the toilet bowl we call Washington, D.C.
     President Bill had barely wrapped up his hat dance at the Mexican bailout loan-burning ceremony when a grubby reporter deigned to pose the question of the day.
     GRUBBY REPORTER: "Mr. President, what do you think about the political warfare that's sprung up around the ethics case of Speaker Newt Gingrich?"
     THE PRESIDENT: "I want it to be over. I want it to be over...I want it to be over. Finished. Halted. Done. Finito. No mas. Cut it out. Quit it. Over and out. Getoudahere. Make it stop. Be done with it. Enough already..."
     GRUBBY REPORTER: "We get it. You want everybody to leave you alone, too?"
     THE PRESIDENT: "Why, yes, that would be nice. It would be great. Wonderful. Super. Great. Jolly good. Terrific. I'd love that. Awright. Yea..."

     (Be sure to rejoin us for tomorrow's episode, when Newt Gingrich expresses similar wishes for his friend Bill.)

Paula Jones

     In the case of Paula Corbin Jones v. William Jefferson Clinton, being argued before the highest court in the land, the victims abound.
     Victim One: Mrs. Jones, who having filed allegations of sexual misconduct and harassment against the president of these here United States, has brought upon herself a life of shame, degradation and (way more than 15 minutes of) fame (Newsweek, Geraldo, etc.).
     Victim Two: Mr. Clinton, whose trouser pockets are being emptied by the army of lawyers gathered to defend him of daily-mounting allegations, true or otherwise, (forcing him to look desperately for cash in all the wrong places).
     Victim Three: The presidency, a once cherished institution that has forever been tarnished by past and present residents of the White House (and we know who they are).
     And finally,
     Victim Four: We, the American people, who have to slog through all this stuff and wonder what kind of (or)deal awaits us next at the ballot box...

This has been another short-attention-span editorial.

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