The front page
has chosen to give Bubba even more space...
The Democrats took a lot of heat for refusing to file their final pre-
election campaign balance sheet with the Federal Election Commission.
With all the allegations of huge, sleazy and ill-gotten contributions from foreign sources there are plenty of people who might find the withholding of such juicy data more than a little suspicious.
The DNC's initial excuse was that Clinton, being president and all, didn't have to file the report if he didn't want to--and he didn't want to, so he didn't.
Well, once again our highly unreliable sources inside the Democratic National Committee say campaign officials had fully intended to submit the report but that somehow the files went missing.
Wait a minute...this just in: The files have just turned up in Hillary Clinton's office at the White House and all is well again.
Whew! The teflon prez dodges another one.
"They've turned the White House into something else. It's the Animal House," Dole told an Elk Grove, Calif., campaign crowd.
The White House, saying it wouldn't deny the accusation, responded by proudly releasing the above photo and shipping a complimentary keg of Budweiser to the Dole campaign.
"We love to party and it shows," boasted a Clinton aide.
You might not think it could happen. The
odds are long against it. Not a single soul in their
right mind would even dream of such a thing.
It's about money, stupid
The Democrats' foreign fund-raising scandal
has certainly singed some eyebrows, as well it should.
Clinton had first considered a special Uncle Sam debt issue that would be indexed to inflation. That way, all good taxpaying citizens wouldn't see the value of their hard-earned government paper eaten away year in and year out by the shrinking value of the dollar.
But, he confidetly told aides: "We can do better."
So instead the prez and Treasury Secretary Bob (formerly of Goldman Sachs
Here's how: From now until the end of Clinton's second term at least, the new bonds (loosely known as "Dollar Bills") will be tied to the president's favorability ratings.
You got it. When Bill's up, so's your money. When he's down, you're out of luck.
So it'll be up to you and all other patriotic Americans to think really nice thoughts about the Bubster and make sure his polls stay upway, way up.
Bill Clinton is soft on crime and everybody knows it, Bob Dole says.
The prez "talks like Dirty Harry but acts like Barney Fife," Dole barked in the day's sound bite.
Not to be outdone, the Bubbster declared before a well-armed crowd at the Fraternal Order of Police that he'll propose the death penalty for shoplifters...
By This Justin
The Daily Muse
President Bill had a small cyst removed from his neck, White House aides confirmed.
The president's spokesman said disclosure of biopsy results was pending the outcome of the latest polls.
At a hastily called meeting, the National Security Council, after carefully weighing all the options, decided Clinton would wear a Band-Aid.
Of course, Bobdole, who's been pushing for full disclosure of Clinton's medical records, immediately claimed it was all a cover-up (and symbolic of Clinton's approach to foreign policy)...
Don't you long for the days of Ronald Reagan, when presidential polyps were bigger than life, explored in microscopic detail on the evening news?
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