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Because there's so much of it, The Daily Muse
has chosen to give Bubba even more space...

Maybe Socks ate it

     The Democrats took a lot of heat for refusing to file their final pre-
election campaign balance sheet with the Federal Election Commission.
     With all the allegations of huge, sleazy and ill-gotten contributions from foreign sources there are plenty of people who might find the withholding of such juicy data more than a little suspicious.
     The DNC's initial excuse was that Clinton, being president and all, didn't have to file the report if he didn't want to--and he didn't want to, so he didn't.
     Well, once again our highly unreliable sources inside the Democratic National Committee say campaign officials had fully intended to submit the report but that somehow the files went missing.
     Wait a minute...this just in: The files have just turned up in Hillary Clinton's office at the White House and all is well again.
     Whew! The teflon prez dodges another one.

  • Check out a previous file scandal.
  • See how Clinton can possibly lose.
  • Party animal
    Clinton in toga
         Bob ("Watch-Me-Win-California") Dole loves Hollywood metaphors, so it wasn't much of a stretch for him to compare President Clinton's shenanigans to one of the Republican's favorite flicks.
         "They've turned the White House into something else. It's the Animal House," Dole told an Elk Grove, Calif., campaign crowd.
         The White House, saying it wouldn't deny the accusation, responded by proudly releasing the above photo and shipping a complimentary keg of Budweiser to the Dole campaign.
         "We love to party and it shows," boasted a Clinton aide.

    The president's dream
    During a recent TV appearance, President Bill seems to be caught in the act of dreaming about a younger Hillary (and she him).

    Anything's possible
    Bill Clinton

         You might not think it could happen. The odds are long against it. Not a single soul in their right mind would even dream of such a thing.
         But in the interest of making this election...well...a bit more interesting, let's just say Bill Clinton could actually let the presidency slip from his french-fried greasy grasp.
         Here's how:

  • Chelsea has a few friends over for a slumber party, one of them slips into the Oval Office and trips over THE button.
  • Hillary, tired of her pampered existence at Casa Blanca, decides to throw in the towel and tearfully fesses up to all her Whitewater sins on "Oprah!"
  • Leon Panetta and George Stephanopoulos, in a duel to the death for ultimate power, end up arrested--slightly battered, fully drunk and partially clothed--on the White House lawn. Security videos end up on "Hard Copy."
  • (This one could really do him in:) Blackmailed with pictures by Dick Morris, the Bubster himself tearfully tells Oprah! of a tryst or two at the no-tell motel...with a sexy spy of Saddam's.

  • Can you top those suggestions?
  • Muse Reader Jim Murray may have: "Hillary and Al Gore spend Christmas in the White House with convicted drug dealer Jorge Cabrera. Weeks later Jorge is arrested smuggling two tons of cocaine into Miami. Oh never mind, it's already happened last year."
  • Check out other replies

  • It's about money, stupid

         The Democrats' foreign fund-raising scandal has certainly singed some eyebrows, as well it should.
         After all, it's not every day that politicians take money from seedy sources. Most of the cash needed to run campaigns in the lavish style to which they have become accustomed usually comes from legitimate, hard-working individual U.S. citizens--not large corporations seeking small political favors.
         So the stories uncovering the DNC's improprieties during the 1996 campaign have come as every bit of a shock as the discovery by lawmakers of rampant nudity on the Net.
         The main revelations:
    *You-can-call-me Al Gore emerged from a fund-raiser at a Buddhist temple with $140,000 in walking-around money, which he immediately lost during a quick trip to Vegas. "Hey, it was like manna from heaven," the stoic Veep explained.
    *Certain FOB (Friends of Bubba), who happened to be of foreign origin and reportedly had long ties to Clinton back in Arkansas, gave his campaign lots of money. Officials of the Indonesia-based multinational Lippo (short for Lipposuction) Group (Corporate slogan: "Your loss is our gain!") said they made the contributions because they really, really liked the prez--not to mention Hillary was a major client.
    *John Huang, a former Lippo executive turned Democratic fund-raiser, was jettisoned from the campaign. The reason: He was raising too much money among Asian Americans, making other ethnic groups look like cheapskates.
    *Clinton campaign officials stood behind the fund-raising efforts, saying that with the president's lead in jeopardy of slipping below 30 points, the Democrats really, really needed the money.
    *Bobdole, while publicly lashing out at Clinton for taking the cash and remaining silent about the controversy, secretly wishes he had gotten as much moola...
          Oh, where will it all end?

    Bonds, Bubba Bonds
         As if to cover all bases, President Bill unveiled a new type of government bond designed to make sure investors not only sleep well at night, but also dream happy thoughts.
         Clinton had first considered a special Uncle Sam debt issue that would be indexed to inflation. That way, all good taxpaying citizens wouldn't see the value of their hard-earned government paper eaten away year in and year out by the shrinking value of the dollar.
         But, he confidetly told aides: "We can do better."
         So instead the prez and Treasury Secretary Bob (formerly of Goldman Sachs

    Dollar Bill
    Fifth Avenue), decided to be a little more creative.
         Here's how: From now until the end of Clinton's second term at least, the new bonds (loosely known as "Dollar Bills") will be tied to the president's favorability ratings.
          You got it. When Bill's up, so's your money. When he's down, you're out of luck.
         So it'll be up to you and all other patriotic Americans to think really nice thoughts about the Bubster and make sure his polls stay up—way, way up.

    Mayberry man Bill Fife

          Bill Clinton is soft on crime and everybody knows it, Bob Dole says.
          The prez "talks like Dirty Harry but acts like Barney Fife," Dole barked in the day's sound bite.
          Not to be outdone, the Bubbster declared before a well-armed crowd at the Fraternal Order of Police that he'll propose the death penalty for shoplifters...

    Healthy debate
     By This Justin
     The Daily Muse

          President Bill had a small cyst removed from his neck, White House aides confirmed.
          The president's spokesman said disclosure of biopsy results was pending the outcome of the latest polls.
          At a hastily called meeting, the National Security Council, after carefully weighing all the options, decided Clinton would wear a Band-Aid.
    Band Aid sheer strips       Of course, Bobdole, who's been pushing for full disclosure of Clinton's medical records, immediately claimed it was all a cover-up (and symbolic of Clinton's approach to foreign policy)...

    Don't you long for the days of Ronald Reagan, when presidential polyps were bigger than life, explored in microscopic detail on the evening news?

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