The Daily Muse: Page 3

So you think you can stand more of the

Pray for help wanted

Now that Washington has tossed Gen. Joseph Ralston (not-so-Purina) into the waste bin of history, the search is on again for an accept- able successor to lead the nation's brave, though morally challenged, forces into the 21st century.

The task has been made all the more difficult by the adultery-outweighs-supreme- competence scandal that brought Gen. Joe down (The final straw: When he and Air Force 1st Lt. Kelly Flinn were caught taking turns at the joystick of her B-52). Folks at the Pentagon and White House will be scouring the ranks for a man or woman who has had "no sex prior to, during or subsequent to marriage," according to a top secret memo obtained by The Daily Muse. President Bill, who really connected with Ralston--felt him a kindred spirit of sorts--was really confused by the way things turned out. After all, allegations of extra-marital affairs didn't stop him from becoming commander-in-chief (neither did avoidance of military duty for that matter, but we're getting off the point here. The point, the point--what was the point?) The point is that it's going to be impossible to fill the big chair at the Joints Chiefs of Staff anytime soon. You see, neither the Pope nor Mother Teresa are fit to serve--at least not until they've survived an FBI background check...

Great for
the gander
Imagine. Republicans giving back political donations. How surreal...
But that's what happened recently when the Grandest of Old Parties had to cut a check for $122,000 to repay a Hong Kong donor who had no business financing U.S. elections. The GOP insists the Republican- affiliated National Policy Forum, through which the money was received, was a legitimate non-profit, non- political, (non-existent?) group. As you might guess, the Democrats, still scraping the scabs off their own fund- raising wounds, aren't buying the Republicans' argument that the NPC didn't solicit the foreign cash. We suppose the Democrats (who were forced to return more illicit money than they took in in 1996) have a right to be suspicious--after all it takes a dirty rat to smell one.

Hot exhibit
So Uncle Sam has some surplus material to get rid of. (No, not White House personnel files...) Fifty tons of excess plutonium from the U.S. nuke scrap pile. What to do?
Shoot it out in space? No. Too much of chance it'll come down in Australia, New Jersey or some other out-of-the-way locale.
How about dumping it in the deep blue sea? Forget it. Too much of a risk that Willy and his bud Shamu will find the stuff and haul it back to San Diego.
So instead, Clinton administration officials announced a novel solution.
They'll encase half the stuff in glass blocks and put it on display at the Smithsonian. They say it's sure to brighten up the place, especially during the dreary months of winter.
The government plans to sell the rest to manufacturers of glow-in-the-dark gifts, including keychains, underwear and teething rings.
"This'll be the hottest thing since cigarettes," raved one excited official.
Better late
The FBI says there's nothing unusual about waiting more than 4 months before revealing key evidence in the Olympics bombing.
"Just to show you we're not crazy, in addition to announcing a $500,000 reward in the Atlanta case, today we are asking anyone with pictures or recordings from the Grassy Knoll to come forward now," FBI (Isn't That) Special Agent Above T. Law told reporters. "If they're still alive, we'd love to hear from them."
The toll-free number: 1-888-FBI-ISOK

What's up with the docs?
The currency of Washington is information, not money, so the latest scandal involving the Pentagon's missing Gulf War logs will no doubt raise a stir.
From the 18-minute gap on Nixon's tapes to Ollie North's shredder to the lost Whitewater docs mysteriously found near Hillary Clinton's office to the Filegate mess, Wash-town has a long history of miss(ing)deeds.
Now the New York Times reports the Pentagon has misplaced logs, kept for X-Gen. "Stormin'" Norman Schwarzkopf, covering 8 days in 1991 when U.S. troops blew up an Iraqi chemical arms depot. The incident may be linked to illnesses among Gulf War vets.
To come clean, the 5-sided building is offering a $12.95 reward for the missing docs. That's about what they pay for an unused roll of toilet paper...

(And if you happen to be female, they'll even throw in an all-expense-paid sortie to a basic-training camp where you'll get to rub elbows [and other appendages] with some nice drill sergeants...)

A soccer mom kicks this one around.

Cabinet babe
Madeleine
Albright

It was a moment for the history books. Madeleine Albright was being nominated to be the first woman ever to serve as U.S. Secretary of State. And what did the press want to know?
"Mr. President. Is it true you picked Mrs. Albright because she's a gal?"
"While I am very fond of women--some of my best friends are of that gender--I wouldn't have bent over backwards to pick the Ambassador if I did not feel she was otherwise qualified."
"But don't you feel obligated to all those female voters who came out in your support last month?"
"Thankful, yes. Obligated, no. And besides, I'm not running for anything now."
"So you would have picked her if she had been a man?"
"Well, I can't imagine...but yes I, of course. I will say that because she's a woman she brings certain sensibilities and viewpoints to the bedroo...table, I mean table, and I trust her with the nation's security. She's one tough broad, I mean, lady, well you know what I mean..."

Same-old sex

It's no surprise that the U.S. Senate (where morality is always tops on the agenda) has lashed out against homosexual marriages.

In voting against the recognition of same-sex matrimony, the mostly white old men in their Brooks Brothers suits decided in favor of promoting their own lifestyles, such as they are, at the expense of others who may not approach things the same way.

So, what else is new?

(The Senate saints would prefer that we not mention Bob Packwood, so we won't.)

Hooked on politics

What a difference a coast makes. Remember the trouble Dick Morris got into with a Washington call girl?

Well, on a visit to Northern California recently, it came to the Muse's attention (we read it in a local paper) that an ex-prostitute is seeking high office—and gaining support from unexpected quarters to boot.

Margo St. James, founder of a prostitution-rights lobbying group, won the local D.A.'s endorsement in her bid for a seat on the San Francisco Board of Supervisors. Actually, the head prosectuor's backing isn't so surprising, given his desire to legalize the world's oldest profession.

Think of all the fun they'd have around the White House if things were only this loose in D.C....

Second-hand smoke gets in your eyes

Wall Street's having a fire sale on tobacco stocks.

One reason: Some juries are finally seeing through the smoke and mirrors and figuring out what Surgeons General have always known: Lighting up can kill you (if coffee, breathing, driving, eating, sex and murder don't get you first). Puffin' Joe Camel

And now: The Clinton administration has officially designated cigarettes "nicotine deep-lung-injection systems" (What do you expect? This is from the government that calls taxes "revenue enhancement mechanisms."), ban their marketing to the nation's young 'uns and eventually outlawing them altogether?

Where does this leave all the rest of the law-abiding citizens who so cherish their 28th Amendment right to do the puff-and-cough outside public buildings, forcing passers-by to hold their breath?

(Why, buying them illegally on the black (lung) market, of course...)

The White House is under fire again. This time for revelations that some staffers who had used illegal drugs nevertheless were permitted to work in the halls of highest power--as long as they agreed to random pharmacological quizzes (Question: "In the event of imminent nuclear war, should you take aspirin or Tylenol?").

So, of course, an explanation was in order.

"The president is very clear," spokesman Mike McCurry told reporters. "He has an absolute zero-tolerance standard for drug use at the White House. However, what employees do outside the White House is none of our business--unless they have some really good stuff and don't share it with the rest of us."

McCurry himself fessed up to a bit of sublegal experimentation during the wild days of his youth:

"There are people at this White House, no doubt there were people at previous White Houses, that had some indication of drug use in their backgrounds. That does not disqualify someone from service. You know, I tell you, I have myself. I was a kid in the 1970s. Did I smoke a joint from time to time? Of course, I did. And the FBI knows that, and that was in my background file. But that doesn't disqualify me from serving here. The point is, if I use drugs now in any way, shape, or form, I'm gone, I'm history."

History indeed...

Tech-no

Recent events raise serious doubts about that wonderful thing called modern technology, and whether peoplekind took a wrong turn onto the post-industrial superhighway.

Cases in point:

Big Blew It: The catastrophic crash of IBM's super-duper supercomputer system at the Olympics. What can they blame the software...or the hardware?

Unfancy flying: What if for some reason the media throng and the FBI are both wrong about TWA Flight 800 (Latest theory: Collision with an alien spacecraft)? What if all those lives were lost because of a mechanical mixup or a design flaw? (Incidentally, the Wall Street Journal says Boeing is trying to build its planes faster. We say: Take your time.)

Slow dive: The failure of the entire U.S. government--and its eye-in-the-sky high-tech military machine--to recover the submerged plane and the victims' bodies as quickly as the taxpayers demand. (Those who want quicker results are welcome to slip into wet suits and take a dive...)

Tech stock shock: The wholesale devaluation of high-tech stocks on Wall Street. Based on the difference of a penny's earning per share, the markets (whoever they are) have decided to shoot down the high-flying stocks of tomorrow's economy and trade them in for shares in covered wagon manufacturers. (This year's model featuring hand brakes!)

Given all that's happened, it's a miracle these words have made it to your scree.....

Heck no, he won't go!

Colin ("They-call-me-MR.-No") Powell, has denied his interest in national politics so many times now, the Shakespearean echoes of protestething are beginning to ring in our elephant ears.

Last year, the former general declared himself a non-candidate for the U.S. presidency, saying he was too busy casting the movie version of his mega-selling auto(pilot)biography. Since then he has been desperately courted as a Bob Dole run-along-side or Cabinet maker--but has repeatedly declined the offers.

In the latest example of his "Just-say-no" campaign, Powell told the Associated Press that he doesn't plan to actively politic for any candidates this fall, not even the Bob-man.

"I am not anxious to be a major political figure at this time," Powell said.

Our low-paid political consultants offered this instant translation: "Bob Dole is going nowhere fast, and I'm not anxious to make the trip..."

NY'S MOST WANTED:
New York Post Daily News
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& headline writing

It's not the first time.

Can we

talk?

It's an interesting time for free-speech lovers everywhere--and you know who you are.

The federal court's decision to pull down Congress's pants over the (In)Decency Act was a real triumph for freedom of expression on the Net. Let's give the robed ones (Yea, we know they're not wearing anything under there) all a big hand, and a subscription to Hustler. So far, so good. But then what do we make of...

The Southern Baptist Convention's vow to boycott Disney because Mickey's been looking a little too fondly at Goofy lately. Disney Chairman Michael Eisner brushed off the threat, saying he's not too worried about Baptism under fire since he answers to "a higher authority" (Walt's ghost, of course). Then what about...

Marge Schott, whose public ramblings (definitely not PC, maybe Macintosh) cost her a two-year suspension from the Baseball Hall of Infame. Now what will Cincinnati (and the rest of us) have to talk about?

Darn tootin'

Not to toot our own horns, but...

Lately it seems newsmakers have been taking our advice seriously--without giving credit where credit is due.

For instance, it took a couple of weeks, but the FAA finally got around to shutting down Valujet. Could it be that officials opened their eyes after reading this?

Bob Dole has found a handy label for the White House-FBI background records scandal. Where do you supposed he dreamed up the name "Filegate?"

Veep ("You-can-call-me") Al Gore accused Dole campaign officials of playing the "politics of Pinocchio"--a nice way of calling them all a bunch of good-for-nothing-tellers-of-untruth. It's almost certain Gore consulted us on this one.

So, to all who intend to use this publication to advance their own goals, we're glad to act as your consultants. Just remember to send us cash, lots of cash (credit also accepted).

It's about character, Dumbo

Some folks say the 1996 U.S. presidential election won't be about taxes, foreign policy or even the stupid economy. No, they say, this election will be decided by the most important issue of all, character

--the ability to lead the country by setting a proper example, having lived one's life the right way, the only way, the true way--(the American way?).

What a

thought.

It's a crime

"We can beat gangs and we can beat drugs if we work together,"--Bob Dole, at a California campaign stop.

Hours later, President Clinton issues his own solution to the nation's crime problem, ordering all gang members to be home in bed after dark.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Washington, Republican hit-man William Bennett chides record companies for selling gansta rap laced with "naughty, naughty lyrics" and says you'd never again catch him waiting in line at Tower for the latest Snoop Doggy Dog CD.

Hey folks, they're all trying. Maybe a little too hard, but they're trying.

BULLETIN...

Timothy Leary: The Final Upload

Freeman flag protest Truckin'

Is it just us or do you also get the feeling the FBI brought in those portable power generators and flatbed trucks to the Freemen ranch in Montana to stage a Grateful Dead revival concert?

After all, Deputy U.S. Attorney General Jamie Gorelick hinted as much when she told reporters: "We are not setting any deadlines for ourselves."

One-way tickets: Never half the price

Why does the U.S. government always decide to increase its scrutiny of airline safety after a major crash. It certainly doesn't help those unfortunate folks who rushed to the airport and barely made those fatal flights. But it does make those government officials look more official and concerned.

Remember the old joke about the black boxes that always survive and why don't they just make the whole airplane out of the same material? Well, why don't those safety crackdowns come (and stay) before the next big one goes down?

But, since the government is doomed to repeat this failed barn-door strategy, maybe USDA should oversee the airlines, instead of the FAA.

This has been yet another short-attention-span editorial.

This one is that one

It's often hard to tell who's who in Washington these days. Something tells us it's going to get even tougher to tell the Democrats from the Republicans as November draws closer.

Sen. Al D'Amato, R-Whitewater, a big player in Bob Dole's campaign, says the Republicans (and presumably Dole) will get "hurt" if they keep marching to Newt Gingrich's drum. D'Amato insists the GOP must moderate its message to win.

Then President Clinton pumps out an awfully Republican-sounding anti-welfare plan aimed at getting teen-age mothers off the dole, so to speak.

It seems the only way to tell these guys apart is to require them to don colored uniforms. Or for one side to wear stars on their bellies. Or better yet, let's just make it shirts and skins.

Hurry, to avoid late-filing penalties

As a society of procrastinators we must be taking our cues from on high. President Bill and the esteemed members of Congress are congratulating themselves for finally agreeing on a 1996 federal budget. It only took a handful of government shutdowns and nearly 7 months of the fiscal year to pass by.

Now, did all of you remember to afix the proper postage and get your Form 1040s in on time?

Funk you, two

It's a description of the here and now that makes "malaise" sound downright upbeat. Yea, the F-word is slipping from the lips of the high and mighty in U.S. political circles again. (No, not that one.) We're talking "funk."

Remember when Bill Clinton used it to describe his presidency, then quickly retracted it when advisers warned it would trigger a national depression? Now, Newt Gingrich has resurrected the word to capture the mood of a party with a can't-do leader. "We are going through a Republican period of being in a funk," the House speaker says.

Cheer up, guys. (Or should we say, 'Get down!')

Same-day delivery

Unabomber--mad genius. Mad or genius? Discuss amongst yourselves. In the meantime, it looks as if Ted Kaczynski, the man accused of eluding the FBI for all those years by leaving no detail to chance, mailed that famous manifesto to himself.

They're (allegedly) bad and we know it

It's real tempting not to touch this one (which is what the boys in tan probably should have done). But when the news hits you right in the face, it's mighty hard to ignore.

Guess those two cops in Riverside County, California (let's call it a mellow burb of L.A.), got a bit carried away when they pulled out their batons--in broad daylight in full view of one of those ever-present TV news choppers--and proceeded to whack a pair of people around the other day. (The recipients of all that police tenderness, suspected of being tired and poor illegal immigrants, were stopped after a lengthy--are there any other kind?--high-speed chase). A red-faced sheriff's spokesman said he would "pull no punches. We're embarrassed." But, he said, the deputies had ample precedent to use force.

The offending officers were suspended, but no need to worry about their careers--word has it Pat Buchanan (remember him?) is looking for a couple of extra bodyguards.

Inner sanatorium

Boy, would we have loved to have been a fly on the wall when President Clinton and Sen. Bob Dole sat down for budget talks in the Oval Office, nerves frayed and it came to this:

Clinton: "So, what are you running for?"

Dole: "Nothing. What are you running for?

Clinton: "I asked you first."

Dole: "I asked you second."

Clinton: "Stop playing politics with the future of this country."

Dole: "I will if you will."

Clinton: "I will if you will."

Dole: "Stop repeating what I say."

Clinton: "OK."

Dole: "Whatever. Can I try out your chair?"

Whew!

Sighs of relief must have rolled through Bob Dole's campaign and other Republican circles when none other than Newt Gingrich declared he had "zero" interest in being Dole's No. 2. Since there's no love lost between the mild-mannered Senate leader and the loquacious House speaker, having Newt (short for Newtie) as Bob's running mate would have made slightly less sense than a Dole-Buchanan ticket, don't you think?

For his part, Buchanan says he's still gunning for the big enchilada, even though he hasn't won a thing since New Hampshire. "The word quit is not in our lexicon," the pugnatious pontificator proclaimed. (See, R lexicon's bigger than his.)

So where does that leave Dole in his quest for a VP? Our money is still on best-selling author (and former commander of the world's fiercest fighting machine) Colin Powell...unless...Dole goes for the Really BIG Surprise and taps Barbara Adams, the (unfortunately) dismissed Star Trek alternate juror in the Whitewater trial. Now if only she had been on O.J.'s jury...

Not second-fiddlin' around

Colin Powell is rejecting a suggestion by Sen. Al D'Amato (literal translation: D'Amato) that the former general would make the ideal running mate for Republican Bob Dole. A spokesman says Powell is still not interested in running for anything despite his wild success as a best-selling author. However, we've learned Powell is holding out hope against hope that $teve Forbe$ wins on Super Tuesday and taps him to be his veep. "He pays better," Powell explained.

Speaking of Forbes, Stevereno is none too happy with GOP superstar Jack (still thinks Beatle haircuts are neat) Kemp, who reportedly suggested that the millionare publisher would be willing to cut a deal with Dole in return for Forbes quitting the race. Forbes repudiated the former Buffalo Bills quarteback and sent him back to training camp. "I'm not dead yet!" Forbes told reporters.

For Bob ("This Time It's For Real") Dole, who cleaned up on Junior Tuesday (Super's poor relative), and the rest of the Republican Rat Pack who failed to knock him down, the multistate vote-fest was the beginning of the end.

With Dole piling up the delegates and--finally--clinching GOP front-runnerdom, Lamar Alexander hung up his flannel shirt and Richard ("My weapon of choice is a") Lugar retreated to the realm of historical footnote*. Both quickly backed Dole (New slogan: "I Have More Ex-candidates' Endorsements Than My Opponents Do") and said they had liked him all along.

Conservatively speaking, Patrick Buchanan (Official slogan: "I Am Not an Extremist, Just an Extremely Hateful Person") will continue to be a thorn in Dole's rear end, even though he called the Kansas Republican's nomination "inevitable." And Steve ("My accountants say I'm a swell guy") Forbes vowed to stay on and spend, spend, spend another day, with the help of Jack Kemp--who's still trying to do something new with his hair.

As for the rest of us watching from the sidelines, we'll look fondly back on New Hampshire, when the race was still dirty and really up for grabs...

Toed you so

We usually don't resort to this kind of base humor, but on a day like today when the whole world seems like it's going into the toilet...

There was a woman in Muncie, Indiana, who used a shotgun to try to extricate a nasty callus from her foot, the Associated Press reported. (Needless to say, but we will anyway: She had been doing a bit of drinking.) The woman told police she pulled the trigger because the offending growth had "hurt real bad." A surgeon immediately re-attached her callus, listed her in good condition and declared: "Good thing she didn't have a headache."

Bob Dole, front-runner du jour

A nother day, another front-runner. Despite his confusing stance on abortion--he favors them only when the life of the father is at stake--Bob ("with-so-many-folks-following-me-I-really-
must-be-in-the-lead") Dole managed to Win Big in South Carolina. In doing so, Dole reclaimed the mantle he was promised from Day One in this mess they call the 1996 Republican presidential campaign. Just the other day in Arizona, it was Steve ("you-can-call-me-Steve") Forbes' turn at the helm, if even for a minute. And he had grabbed it from Pat Buchanan, who stunned the Media Elite and everyone else by being crowned top dog in New Hampshire. So now is it not inevitable that Richard Lugar and Alan Keyes will win next, just in time to make the covers of Time and Newsweek?

Front-runners 3

With Steve Forbes' Arizona victory, there are now three clear front-runners in the Republican race for U.S. president. The so-wealthy-
he-doesn't-have-to-subscribe-to-
Money-magazine publisher joins Bob ("I-went-into-this-thing-
as-the-annointed-GOP-favorite") Dole and Pat ("take-back-this-country-from-the-liberal-scum") Buchanan in the top tier, where it's getting mighty crowded. Lamar Alexander is still waiting to win something so he can on go to be the only candidate who can beat President Clinton in November. Earlier in the evening, Dole, fresh from twin victories in North Dakota and South Dakota (really the same state), had this to say: "Big wins. Tested. Leadership. On a roll. Gonna win from here on out. Just wait and see. Tired of losing. Ready to win for a change. Pat Buchanan better look out. On his tail. You watch. Real leadership."