Date: Fri, 20 Dec 1996
From: christopher pasek
Organization: cigarz
Subject: What's next for President Bill
My predictions
1. Spitting in the face of every investigative charge, Bill Clinton
finishes the second term and becomes the next spokesperson for the
'Motel-6' chain. Tom Bodette is furious and commits suicide. Sort of.
2. It will be revealed that George Steffy-nop-a-less was ordered by
the prez. to give back rubs to well-heeled guests that slept in
Lincoln Room. Little guy is depressed and attempts suicide...
fails...sort of...and joins big t.v. news show.
3. Finally: Convinced that every thing the Clintons are doing is
on the up and up, the public agrees to lease out White House on full-time
basis. Indonesian, Taiwanese, Chinese and Japanese investors squabble
and argue over availability of rooms with Indonesians taking nativist
attitude with cries of "We were here first!". All future presidents and
vice presidents (in an effort to help balance the budget) will now reside
in the local 'Motel-6'. And Bill will be there...to leave a light on.
Merry x-mas!
From: dan mitchell
Date: Wed, 18 Dec 1996
Subject: What's next for President Bill
WASHINGTON: "The White House confirmed today that indeed it had been
giving major contributors special edition 'Tickle Me, Elmo' TM dolls, but
denied allegations it had pressured PBS to make the dolls available for
DNC use. A senior (3-month tenure) White House aide said he felt Sesame
Street had always promoted the concept of friendship and the 'Friends of
Bill' were deserving of the scarce toy.
"In an unrelated story, President Clinton announced he will issue an
executive order to restore full funding to the Corporation for Public
Broadcasting."
Date: Mon, 16 Dec 1996
From: Randy
Subject: Lincoln Room Rate Chart
LINCOLN BEDROOM
Rate Chart
Rates include dinner and breakfast. Check out time 10am. No animals.
Customers are responsible for breakage.
$150,000 - per night, single occupancy
35,000 - each additional person (up to 5 additional)
5,000 - per person after the additional five
50,000 - for a nocturnal visit from the President
30,000 - " " " " " " First Lady
100,000 - " " " " " both.
2,000 - For each missing towel
50,000 - If the police have to be called
ROOM SERVICE RATES
$10,000 - Selection of sandwiches (assorted - call for selection)
25,000 - Party pack including various battery powered devices.
50,000 - As above with additional silicone and latex novelties
175,000 - Bondage party including members of the CIA (these are pros!)
150,000 - "Read and buy the book" party with Oprah
From: Leann Arndt
Date: Mon, 30 Dec 1996
Subject: Submission?
Hi, I'm a thirty-three year old married mommie of three. Some think that
the following little ditty is amusing.
What WILL Disney Come Up With Next?
What new Disney characters will pop up in 1997?
Well, the ultimate corporate conspiracy will be revealed.
President Clinton, at a press conference, will have a alleged heart
attack. The attending physician will reveal that the alleged attack is
actually the result of mechanical failure. Yes, it's true! President
Clinton will be revealed to be an animatronic figure copywritten by the
Disney Corporation.
Also, Disney will subsequently be saluted when a press release reveals
that Hillary Clinton is yet another animatronic figure containing the
consciousness of Walt Disney inscribed on a computer chip.
LA
Hello Leann,
Isn't that what they said about Ronald Reagan?
Date: Mon, 30 Dec 1996
From: Gary Kern
Subject: Vince & Paula
Dear Daily Muse:
Just discovered your site at year's end. It's refreshing to see the
residents of Casa Blanca treated with the proper disrespect. The general
press may note their scandals, but always with a tone of acceptance: it's
just business as usual. Anyone who gets upset is just a right-wing
fanatic.
Reading through the issue, I fail to find anything about Vince Foster and
Paula Jones. Have you used them all up in previous issues?
Or--horribile dictu!--have you forgotten about them?
The Vince Foster affair was swept under the rug at first, then blown up into
a massive murder plot by late-arriving independent investigators. I believe
it still needs a rigorous inquiry. There are 3 questions I want answered:
1. How did Vince Foster know about Marcy Park, the place where his body was
found? It is a remote spot, quite out of the way for Washington residents.
I am a native of Washington and never knew about the place until Vince
showed up there. I understand that he lived quite far away from the area
and did not drive by it. A rigorous inquiry would have to establish that
this newly arrived Arkansas man visited the park in the past. It was,
reportedly, the place he chose to spend his last minutes in.
2. Who called in the first report? I recall reading that it was a boy on a
bike who claimed to have seen the body from the road. The body, however,
was found in a place not visible from the road.
3. The motive. The official version, evidently supported by his widow, is
that Foster was upset by the battering the President was taking in the
press, he thought the political climate in Washington was vicious and he
couldn't handle it. Nowhere have I seen the observation that this motive is
self-contradictory and impossible. If Foster sympathized with the
President for the criticism he was receiving, he surely would have believed
that the suicide of a White House aide would bring the President nothing but
grief. Whatever his emotional state, he could not have killed himself with
the idea that things would be better for the White House or that the press
would lighten up. On the contrary, the act looks more like a hateful one,
heaping greater woes on the White House. In that case, of course, the
motive has to be different.
Perhaps you can raise some of these issues in your satiric and
thought-provoking manner. You might also note the recent admissions of
former White House Director of Administration, David Watkins. (Washington
Times, 12/16/96) He says Vince was sleeping with Hillary and Bill was
sleeping with Marsha Scott, White House Director of Presidential
Correspondence. The latter two bedded down on the night of Vince's
departure. I don't care who sleeps with whom if it has nothing to do with
politics, but here the question of motive reappears. A suicide of a White
House aide is unprecedented in my memory; it is a phenomenal event, not
just a sad incident.
Paula Jones has taken a beating in the press, probably for her looks. Even
the feminists have dumped her. Yet she passed a polygraph test, and she
claims to have an intimate knowledge of Uncle Bill's nether parts. Could it
be monogrammed silk panties? In any event, the President has claimed
immunity as Commander in Chief on standing military duty. He shot off some
rockets to Iraq, just to prove the point--and also to knock out Bob Dole's
campaign as a war hero. They only cost $1 million apiece. Did you notice
how the USA recently removed its support from the northern Kurds, for
whom Bill shot off his rockets? Paula Jones deserves at least a hearing.
Anyway, thanks. My server always cuts off my connection whenever I try to
send a long e-mail, so this is it. Remember Vince & Paula.
With all of this, I believe we haven't seen anything yet. To use a
Southern expression, Willie's slick as snot.
GK
Hello Gary,
You are obviously someone with too much, er...a lot of time on his
hands. As per your question, Vince Foster can be found (ever
so briefly) at: http://www.cais.net/aschnedr/backpage.htm#anonymous
>How did Vince Foster know about Marcy Park, the place where his body
was found?
Well, he was a lawyer. And lawyers know how to read. He had access
to U.S. government documents, including Park Service maps. Maybe
that's how...
>Who called in the first report?
That's important, but what about this:
The 2 links in a Yahoo search for Vince Foster are dead ends. I
smell conspiracy. Maybe we shouldn't talk about this any more.
Paula Jones is at the bottom of Bubba Muse:
http://www.cais.net/aschnedr/clinton4.htm
Date: Mon, 30 Dec 1996
From: Chris McDaniel
Organization: Vertex
Subject: TV Ratings, G and S
Not bad but, it seems we would see entirely too many S's to G's....
what's the point...watch the Cartoon Network and Nick at Nite... you
know it's good!
From: Mike Howard
Date: Tue, 24 Dec 1996
Subject: Hello Muse
Hey, guys. Go ahead and take the rest of the day off and enjoy the
holidays. You'all deserve it for all the great work done this past
year. Besides, the cat needs to grow a little fur before you kick it off
next year.
Later..........Mike Howard
From: Weebles64
Date: Thu, 19 Dec 1996
Subject: Why don't WE leave O.J. alone?
Funny I didn't see a lot of black people saying leave those cops alone when
they were tried a second time. You see white people don't like racist jury
verdicts either. Oh I know you can point back 30 years and find some. Well
since then whites have been for the most part teaching their children that
racism is wrong. But what have many blacks been teaching their children?
That racism in reverse is acceptable. That getting even is their right.
But guess what, they're getting even with the wrong people. There is a new
generation, one that didn't do the racist things that the old one did. They
don't want to be blamed for what they didn't do. Would you? Getting even
with this new generation will only poison the well for all, and encourage
more getting even on their part. Can you see the backlash (O.J. Simpson,
Prop 209 etc.)? Racism must be wrong for all sides, not just one.
Otherwise it will resurge and all sides will want their due. Will we
end up like Bosnia? It's up to everyone to decide. Sticking up for
reverse racism will only take us one step closer. But if that is what
you want then that is what you'll get.
From: Weebles64
Date: Sat, 21 Dec 1996
Subject: Thanks for posting my e-mail
Thanks for posting my e-mail. Just a minor corrective note when I
said--"Funny I didn't see a lot of black people saying leave those cops
alone when they were tried a second time." I was of course referring to
the cops who were tried twice for beating Rodney King (I'm sure you
figured that out). I just wanted to clarify my point. Thanks again.
Date: Fri, 06 Dec 1996
From: Andy Read
Organization: HBUHSD
Subject: no subject
Having visited your page on a few occasions after reading about it the
LA Times I have enjoyed your twist on the news of the day. I recently
received this article from a friend of mine regarding OJ, perhaps
you might have seen it already but if not, thought you might like it.
>THE OJ TRIAL AS TOLD BY DR. SEUSS
>
> I did not kill my lovely wife.
> I did not slash her with a knife.
> I did not bonk her on the head.
> I did not know that she was dead.
>
> I stayed at home that fateful night.
> I took a cab, then took a flight.
> The bag I had was just for me.
> My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.
> When I came home I had a gash.
> My hand was cut from broken glass.
> I cut my hand on broken glass.
> A broken glass did cause that gash.
>
> I have nothing, nothing to hide.
> My friend, he took me for a ride.
>
> Did you take this person's life?
> Did you do it with a knife?
>
> I did not do it with a knife.
> I did not, could not kill my wife.
> I did not do this awful crime.
> I could not, would not anytime.
>
> Did you hit her from above?
> Did you drop this bloddy glove?
>
> I did not hit her from above.
> I cannot even wear that glove.
> I did not do it with a knife.
> I did not, could not kill my wife.
> I did not do this awful crime.
> I could not, would not, anytime.
>
> And now I'm free, I can return
> To my house for which I yearn.
> And to my family whom I love.
>
> Hey now I'm free - Give back my glove!
Andy Read
From: A numbered account in Canada
Date: Mon, 02 Dec 1996
Organization: Georgian College
Subject: O.J.
I LIVE IN CANADA AND WE FOLLOWED THE O.J. SIMPSON CASE. I DON'T HAVE A LOT
OF BLACK PEOPLE AROUND ME BUT THE REACTION OF BLACK PEOPLE REJOICING TO
THE MURDERER OF A WHITE WOMEN BEING ACQUITTED PLANTED A SEED OF HATE
INSIDE ME FOR ALL THOSE PEOPLE. THE WHOLE RACE SHOULD BE ASHAMED.
Date: Fri, 06 Dec 1996
From: John Hill
Subject: O.J. Update
Having round filed all my unpaid bills and awakened with my usual morning
mouth and guilt, I decided to assuage myself by driving over the hill to
Santa Monica to see if I could find some solace in Judge Fujisaki's
courtroom. Wonder of wonders I beat the odds and found myself seated in the
last row of the spectator's gallery, much to the chagrin of the bailiff who
viewed my unkempt hair and beard with obvious distaste. Note pad in hand I
held my breath in anticipation as Al Cowlings took the stand.
Called by the plaintiffs to refute Orenthal's recent denials of ever
striking his estranged and demised wife, Al seemed a bit discomfited, as
though he had swallowed something distasteful. Trying his best, it seemed,
to be non-committal, he answered the questions in a soft voice, hedging his
responses with "perhaps," "maybe's," and an occasional wince. In all
honesty I felt a bit sorry for the sorry dude, placed in the position of
having to testify against his lifelong friend and mentor, on whose coattails
he had ridden for so long. The pain he felt was palpable, it seemed to ooze
from his pores together with the glistening beads of sweat which dotted his
forehead during particularly relevant moments. Did Nicole tell him that
Simpson had struck her? "Well, perhaps she did." was his response and then
when pressed on the point admitted that she had. It seemed at times that any
damaging issue had to be pulled from him like a dentist extracting a molar,
yet this very reluctance lent an air of credibility to his statements which
did not seem to be lost on the jury. An observer with any degree of common
sense had to come to the realization that THE JUICE had been lying through
his teeth during his entire time on the stand. I suspected that Al had come
to the point of earnestly wishing he had never met O.J. or Nicole, and would
have welcomed the opportunity of fading into the relative obscurity of just
another football hero. I suspected also, that much as in the case of several
other O.J. supporters, the contact had proved personally disastrous. While
I felt a certain degree of pity for Cowlings my neighbor on the left was not
so generous. "Why can't the sunovabitch just lay it out and tell it like it
is," he mumbled, "instead of dodging the questions? What the hell happened
to truth?" I had, in fact, wondered about that very thing during the months
of the whole sordid affair, but TRUTH it seems is in the eye of the
beholder and in O.J.'s case neither TRUTH nor JUSTICE appeared to be color
blind. Ah well, I thought to myself, such are the vagaries of life, politics,
and polemics, could we expect anything less in a world in which values are
based on celebrity, superficiality and titillation. Looking at Al Cowlings'
face I felt assured he was feeling the same way. No doubt he was still
coming to grips with the fact that he was being judged solely on his
misplaced affection and loyalty. Yet, in his own way, I felt that Al was
attempting to redeem himself, now fully cognizant of the enormity of his
loyalty and the cost it entailed. Reluctant though he was to speak, I had
the distinct feeling he had arrived at the only conclusion a rational person
could. It was time to abandon the sinking ship. I am sure he was torn.
Indeed, it had to be obvious to even the most blatant of partisans that even
if, by chance, O.J. was not a sociopathic killer, he was a monumental and
psychopathic liar! And therein lies the rub, for once he acknowledges that
latter fact the former in all likelihood holds true.
His testimony concluded, Cowlings quickly left and I followed, curious
to see what reaction his statements had on the media and camp followers
outside the courtroom. I was gratified to see that he had no words for the
press, only disdainful and penetrating looks which spoke volumes. His
stature in my eyes jumped several points. Perhaps for the first time
I could appreciate just what agonies one man's megalomania could do to
not only his friends and those who loved him, but to a nation.
JGH
Hello John,
What will you do when it all ends? Oh, I forgot. It will never end,
will it, this trial of The Next Century.
From: Louise C. Mel
Date: Fri, 06 Dec 1996
Subject: Hello Muse
Dear Editor:
I am a mother of an 11-year-old boy. Through various news programs and
daily newspapers I’m reminded of the ill-fated turns life can take.
Since the time my son could listen I’ve talked to him about the horrors of
alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, wanton sex, and lack of education. Making
choices is what life’s all about, I tell him. So make wise ones.
Lately, however, I realize the choices he makes may not be up to him.
First there was McNamara’s book explaining the actual ruse behind the
Vietnam Conflict.
Later came the revelation that the CIA possibly channeled
CRACK cocaine into South Central Los Angeles.
Now there’s the case of the Pentagon’s missing records surrounding chemical
warfare during the Gulf War. How can the Pentagon, which is so good at
keeping secrets and protecting our National Security actually expect the
public to believe it lost the records? Do they really think we are that
stupid or do they know there’s not a whole lot we, the people, can do
about it?
The more I read the more fearful I become for my son. Just yesterday out
of the blue he asked me, "Why is someone called a hero when they kill during
war, and a murderer when they kill during the heat of passion?"
At 11 he’s trying to discern the meaning of hypocrisy.
Will I encourage him to make the right choice when and if the time comes
for him to be drafted and go to war? If I keep reading the newspapers,
you bet.
Louise C. Mel
A soccer mom
From: "Techno Weenie"
Subject: laffin my a-s off
Date: Mon, 23 Dec 1996
I don't know how I found you, but I have been laffin ever since.
Great page, will return often, hell I may even click on an advertiser or
two to keep them happy.
Steve
the Techno Weenie
http://www.geocities.com/hollywood/4838
Thanks for stopping by The Daily Muse and taking the
time to drop us a note. We only we wish we had advertisers
for you to click on. If you know of any (our rates are quite
reasonable), please let them know about us and vise versa.
Date: Thu, 05 Dec 96
From: Laurie Browne
Subject: (no subject)
Please! Whatever happened to the instantly-squelched reports of Jack
Nicholson beating up a prostitute? What's the story, Muse?
Smoochies,
Laurie Browne
Seattle
Date: Fri, 06 Dec 1996
From: Laura Van Horn
Organization: Tattoo Maniac/Reunion Graphics
Subject: More "murder" in Commerce Dept.?
Did I hear Rush correctly? Another body found? Why am I not hearing
more? I refer of course to the "partially nude body" of a woman (who's
name I did not catch) who worked for the Commerce Dept. found over the
Thanksgiving weekend in her office.
Do you have her name? What does the "Muse" have on this?...Oh, by the
way, LOVE YOUR TECHNORAG!!!!!--Laura in Oz
Hello Ozzie,
We read today that "natural causes" were the likely
culprit in the Commerce death, though a final
autopsy report was pending (but we can smell
best-seller material nonetheless...).
Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996
From: Henry J. Mason
Subject: Fillin' your mailbags
Well, its 2:45 am, and I think it's time to send a useless email to somebody.
Might as well be you. So, I'd just like to say that I enjoy your rag, such
that it is, and wish you many happy returns of the minute.
Or the hour, I don't really care.
Who writes for 'ze daili [a]muze' anyway? Jus' asking.
Bye many happy now,
the masonman.
Funny, you're the first person to ask. And we don't usually like
to tell but you seem like such a nice man.....naaaaaa.
The mystery continues. Maybe some other time...
Date: Sat, 07 Dec 1996
From: HERIBERTO ROJAS MARTINEZ
Subject: sos
hello anyone!
I´ve got a problem. I´ve been looking for Bill Gates in this
enormous net but I can´t find him. Does anybody know how could I get him?
I´ve got something important to say him, please send me your answer back as
soon as you can. Thanks.
Try billgates@microsoft.com
From: TCorpor777
Date: Wed, 11 Dec 1996
Subject: read newspaper
Hey, I am a first-time Net user. Like the page.
From: LUIS ANTONIO PEREZ E.
Organization: ITESM Campus Toluca
Subject: URGENT***
WE WOULD LIKE TO RECEIVE REGULAR AND FREE OF CHARGE YOUR INTERESTING
PUBLICATION MAGAZINE**DAILY MUSE**
PLEASE ADD OUR NAME TO YOUR MAILING LIST...THANKS..
Thanks for your interest in The Daily Muse. We currently do not
have a mailing list as we only appear on the World Wide Web
at http://www.cais.net/aschnedr/muse.htm
Hopefully, you can see us there.
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