The Daily Muse: The Back Page

The tale end of

Making you
a BIG deal
The "historic" budget accord (sponsored by Honda) touted as "the be all to end all" on both rear ends of Pennsylvania Ave. has all the makings of a big giveaway...

Take the $500-per-child tax credit, for example. (Go ahead, take it. It's yours. Go on. That's right. Feels good, doesn't it?) Seems like big bucks--until you realize it'll only cover a couple of trips down the Toys 'R Us disposable diaper aisle.
And the new capital-gains tax cut--long opposed by Democrats as charity for fat, rich, cigar- chomping Republicans--is now going to make things "just swell" for the economy, as Clinton Treasury Secretary Count N. Bills so eloquently put it. Ah, how times change. (Speaking of which, can you spare some?)
Topping it all off, of course, is the promise that the big deal will also help wipe out the deficit just after our computers crash for good in the new millennium and nobody will be able to tell us whether we're $5 trillion or $1.50 in debt...
Which leads us to the conspiracy du jour (excuse our French): even though the budget gap is narrowing all on its own, a few dedicated bureaucrats are keeping it alive in the bowels of the Treasury building just so folks like Bill Clinton and Pete Domenici don't lose their raison d'etre (Air France Flight 2002 now departing Gate 3G...).
But the most striking image we'll remember of this (it's worth repeating) "historic" occasion is the sight of a handful of remaining (read: still standing) Republicans celebrating their victory on the Capitol steps flanked by hundreds of Boy Scouts ("This merit badge was for keeping Dick Armey from keeling over...").
We can't wait to get the check. (Yea, we know, it's in the mail...)

Military affairs
The sex scandals in the U.S. military continue to mount, so to speak, and there's no telling when the medals will stop hitting the pavement...

The latest revelation: An adulterous affair 13 years ago by four-star Air Force Gen. Joseph Ralston, who's being backed to become Joint Chiefs of Staff chairman by William Cohen, the new defense secretary. But Cohen, still in boot camp himself, has picked the wrong time to "draw a line" against the "frenzy" of sex charges besieging the military. From the Aberdeen Army training camp sex scandal, to B-52 pilot Kelly Flinn's dismissal, and the too-many-to-count cases in between, the pileup of purges makes us wonder where or if it will all end... Perhaps we should throw out the whole lot and hire someone else to run this country's armed forces. Who better else than the Russians? We have the money they lack. They're dying for work and their equipment is run down. We've got plenty of new toys for them to play with. So what if some of their boys have a wee bit of a drinking problem? We're ready to exchange one kind of immoral behavior for another--just for a change of pace. In other sex-related developments:

Clinton lawyer Robert Bennett now says he won't probe Paula Jones about her personal background. "What she did in the privacy of her own bedroom with several battery-operated devices is none of anyone's business," the attorney told anyone who would listen...

Oprah! denies being gay despite her cameo on Ellen's coming-out show. The talk show megastar did admit to being extremely happy to see DeGeneres, though...

Go figure
If you believe the folks in Washington can actually balance the budget, cut taxes (walk and chew gum) at the same time, we've got a short bridge over troubled waters we'd like to sell you...
Come on, get real. Get fiscal or get going. First of all, the devilish details behind this Balanced-budget Deal of the Century seem to be missing. Sure, the pact includes Big Savings in "discretionary spending" (Read: Cash for the poor, the old and poor-old) and money to help send Chelsea Clinton to college. It also promises cuts in the mean old capital gains tax (needed to keep the engine of industry running nice and smooth). But the real question: How did the budget wonks pull it off? Well, "officially" the Congressional Budget Office says a cleaning worker found a yellow card on the floor with the words: "Pass Go. Collect $225 billion. Balance the budget." "Unofficially," The Daily Muse has learned from extremely unreliable sources that Hillary Clinton forgot to register a really big deposit from Bob Dole in the checkbook last month...

More odds
than ends
Some days, we find ourselves grasping at straws in the wind, when stories are in progress, waiting for something or someone to finish them...
So today we can only guess at the meaning of these facts and how they'll ultimately work themselves into something that makes sense:
Whitewater gunslinger Kenneth Starr reportedly will step down as special prosecutor this summer to go teach university in Malibu, Calif. (Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach?) The White House is officially mum on this stunning development but you can bet the Clintons won't be sad to see Kenny G(o)...
Coincidentally(?), O.J. Simpson is said to be ready to move from California to Florida around the same time. Something about trouble with the neighbors...
American Airlines pilots, (T-eed off that they won't be getting raises anytime soon after all), offered to fly Simpson for free, as long as he promises to use plastic utensils aboard...
In a diplomatic coup, newly converted Secretary of State Madeleine Albright got North Korea to agree to allow high-ranking defector Hwang Jang Yop to leave Beijing for Seoul. In exchange, the communist backwater gets Chicago Bull Dennis Rodman and a Western-style economic system to be named later...
As the White House monitored reports that Chinese leader Deng Xiaoping was near death, President Bill urgently begged his staff to determine how this might affect his ability to raise more cash...

The great American smoke-out
Call it the ultimate compromise from The Great Compromiser.
Bill Clinton's drug czar du jour announced that the president has modified his opposition to the California and Arizona laws allowing marijuana to be used for "medicinal" purposes. At one point, the White House had even threatened to arrest doctors who dared to dispense pain-killing pot to cancer patients and other poor souls.
Instead, the prez's chief drug-sniffer announced, physicians will be allowed to prescribe joints without going to the joint as long as their patients promise not to inhale.
Ba dum dum...

Sweet Janet

Four-star Attorney General Janet Reno, must be feeling real good right about now, what with the glowing words of support flowing her way from the White House.

"She can stay or go--we don't care. If she decides to stay, she can take tickets at the Washington Monument, where the president can keep an eye on her from the Oval Office with his special telescope," said one Clinton administration official.
Reno wants to stay on as the nation's top cop, but President Bill Clinton has been feeling a bit queasy about keeping her in light of all the Justice Department investigations into his and Hillary's personal affairs.
("I was getting out of the shower in the residence the other morning when a G-man handed me a towel," the First Lady mused at a recent holiday party.)

My two sons
Word that Odai Hussein, one of Saddam's sons, had been shot caught some well-placed U.S. officials by surprise.
"We didn't know he still had any sons to shoot," said one diplomatic source, who did not wish to be identified because he knows better.
In Baghdad (spelled with an 'h' just to trip up Dan Quayle), the foreign ministry said all was right with Saddam's world:
"In the words of your O.J.: Odai and his other brother were 'just wrasslin' when a gun they were cleaning went off. Both men are resting comfortably."
Shallow Lake
Here we go again. Another day, another White House scandal.
This time, Anthony Lake, President Bill Clinton's national security adviser and nominee to be chief spy at the CIA, is the one in hot water.
It seems Tony failed to sell stock in Exxon, Mobil and two other energy companies back in 1993 even though White House lawyers (ethics experts they be) advised him to dump the shares to avoid a possible conflict of interest.
The White House says Lake told his accountant to sell, but somehow it never happened. (Guess Tony was too busy to phone Charles Schwab himself...)
So this is the braintrust we have running the nation's security apparatus. We can see the congressional hearings now: "Yes Senator, the dog ate my homework..."

Careful out here

"I don't know about this Internet. I think I'm not letting my kids anywhere near it for quite a while."--David Flaherty, North Carolina prosecutor in case of Robert Glass, charged with murdering a woman the suspect met on the Net.

"Computers became his life. He ate, slept, everything about computers. He would stay up almost all night on the Internet. I'd have to drag him out of bed in the morning."--Sherri Glass, wife of the accused.

Source: Washington Post

Sticker shock
It's a slow Muse day. We could have given you 150 words on the Fed leaving rates (and Bill Clinton's re-election chances) alone or the Bubster snubbing Boutrous squared at the UN.
But we wanted to have mercy on your souls (and for you to like what you see enough to return). So here's what you get instead...
The polls showing Bill Clinton so far ahead that Bobdole is just a speck in the rearview mirror of Limo One may be—just may be—wrong.
Using our own unscientific survey (by definition, something which has more credibility than Gallup's +/-3 points), namely bumper stickers on the rear-ends of rust buckets out for a Sunday drive, our trusty staff found:

3 for "Dole-Kemp"

1 for "Clinton-Gore"

1 for "To report erratic driving, call my boss at 1-800-IAM-FIRED"
While admittedly a random sample, this may prove the entire U.S. politico-media-elite-consensus-
making-machine to be completely off-base in declaring Clinton the sure-fire victor in November.
But, as they say, results may vary, only one poll counts, and may the best man win.

It blowed up real good

Those poor TWA Flight 800 investigators have been at a little too long. It seems they'll go to any lengths to figure out the cause of the tragic explosion.
The stressed out officials are said to be considering blowing up a perfectly good 747 just to see where the pieces fall. Of course, they'd do it on the ground with an empty plane and no lives would be lost.
Funny they should be contemplating such an extreme measure, for we were thinking when all the panic over terrorism was at its peak that it wouldn't be too

long before the airlines decided to take matters into their own hands—and blow up their planes before the bad guys could.
Would it not be (way) out of the realm of possibility that the companies would simply say: "If anybody's going to blow up our airplanes, we'll be the ones to do it"?
Again, they'd make sure nobody was in them. Then they would print schedules (11:30 a.m., Runway 8-niner), and sell tickets for the shows. After all, they would need the money...

Being all he could be

Jack Kemp got out of serving in the military in 1961 because of a bum shoulder, the Associated Press reports.

But while the Army decided Kemp was unfit to lob grenades, he did manage to throw enough bombs with his good arm that same year to lead the San Diego Chargers to a division title.

So, maybe the real reason Bob Dole picked Jack Kemp as his running mate was to expand his base to include draft dodgers, a group long controlled by Bill Clinton.

Muse reader John Hill looks fondly back on Jackie's arm.

Booked

The Washington Post hired Mafia hitpersons to force Newsweek's Joe Klein to confess he was the anonymous author of "Primary Colors," the book ever-so-loosely based on the 1992 Clinton campaign.

It was fun while it lasted. But The Daily Muse, convinced that he's lying to cover up for the real Anonymous, is sticking by its theories. Click here and here to read all about them.

Eleanor, you're swellanor

And so it is written by Bob Woodward that Hillary Clinton--down and out about life at the top--consulted with psychic-author Jean Houston. And during some of those White House sessions--No, no, we resist the urge to call them seances--Hillary closed her eyes and linked up through space and time with none other than Eleanor Roosevelt (First Lady-to-First Lady-like).

Hillary also chatted with Mahatma Gandhi, if Woodward is to be believed. But--and here's where we can all breath a sigh of relief--she refused to strike up a conversation with Jesus. Thank God for that.

And, what a relief that weirdness at the First Mansion didn't stop with Nancy Reagan's astrology sessions.

First Boy George

Conjuring up visions of Camelo t III, Hillary Clinton tells Time magazine she and Bill would like to have another child, but not before the election. Wonder who the little one will take after?

Royal flush

You know it's BIG NEWS when CNN interrupts its coverage of the O.J. Simpson case to bring us live reports of the Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis estate auction at Sotheby's. You've heard of the silver Tiffany tape measure that fetched $48,875 and the walnut humidor which sold for a mere $574,500. What next, you say?

It seems nothing is beneath the hoi polloi auction crowd. For among the last items on a heretofore secret list of JFK and Jackie's possessions is the royal throne. That's right, the presidential commode, the seat of Camelot.

Where shall we start the bidding?

Not twistin' in the wind

We refuse to get sucked into all the hype behind

, Hollywood's sanitized version of the board games Bill Clinton played back in Arkansas. But we do have a suggestion or two for the soundtrack.

Clinton's yes man

Mickey Kantor (not M-0-U-S-E) wasn't about to spill the beans before his boss and buddy, the president of these here United States, got a chance to make the announcement. But reporters were demanding to know if it was true that Bill Clinton would tap his top trade goon to replace the late Ron Brown as U.S. commerce secretary.

"I have known the president for a long, long time and I have never said no to him," Kantor replied.

But gosh, what would Hillary think?

Identity crisis

Washington is all abuzz about what jackass wrote this book, supposedly fiction, about Clinton's 1992 campaign. #1 aide George Stephanopoulos insists he didn't do it. "It's Greek to me," he says. Doonesbury creator Garry Trudeau won't say anything except: "I'm still playing with crayons even though I'm an adult." Many others whom you've never heard of (and never will) have also coyly ducked the issue.

So that leaves us to speculate on one of two possibilities: There's someone out there who's real name is Anonymous (he or she is starting a self-help group called Anonymous Anonymous). Or it was ghost-written by Vince Foster. You decide.

Sweet 16

Chelsea Clinton's dating, Hillary confirmed in a published report. We don't know who the lucky datee is, but we've got a hunch the Secret Service does.

"Empty your pockets, son."
"Yes, sir."
"Is that a 'Dole-Powell in '96' campaign button?"
"That's not mine. I have no idea how it got..."
"Keep your distance."
"Yes, sir."

[Note to our readers: The preceding item was not intended to imply partisanship by any agency of the U.S. government. It was simply designed to illustrate the plight of our youth today.]

We're excited–are you?

Staying tuned all night for results of the Iowa Republican
caucuses was kind of like hanging around the corn fields,
just waiting for the ears to wilt...

So Bob ("pale, tested and ready") Dole, the front-runner-by-a-nose,
managed to keep his No. 1 spot, with Pat Buchanan continuing his momentum
by capturing the much-coveted–only in politics does this make sense–No. 2. And third-place winner Lamar Alexander found one more red flannal shirt to put on next week in New Hampshire.

Anyway, Steve Forbes' out-of-the-top-three showing meant that Iowans,
at least, did not buy his message of "hope, grope and opportunity."

Presidential pugilism

William Safire with a black eye and nose

With a left or a right?

Bill Clinton didn't take too kindly
to columnist and ex-Nixon speech hack
William Safire's characterization
of Hillary ("that's-not-how-I-remember-it'") Clinton
as a no-good "liar."
"The president, if he were not the president,
would have delivered a more forceful response
to that on the bridge of Mr. Safire's nose,"
first flack Mike McCurry said.

(Hillary would've just kneed him.)