Modem in
the court

It was the big day everyone who is anyone who cares about the future freedom of the Internet had been waiting for.

Those boring weirdos who say we're all doomed if the government restricts the Net in any way lined up at the United States Supreme Court to hear arguments in the case of the Reno v. ACLU.
The Justice Department's appeal of a Philadelphia federal court ruling banning the Communications Decency Act of 1996 pits the First Amendment against folks who think the Net is a very bad place to raise a child.
Among the questions we imagine the The Robed Ones wanted to ask:
"T-1 or ADSL, push or pull, Java or ActiveX? Forget this stuff...What's on TV?"--Chief Justice William Rehnquist
"You mean for $20 bucks a month I can look at all the nude women's pictures I want and never have to go to the 7-Eleven or VideoXXX again?"--Associate Justice Clarence Thomas
"Who will decide what's decent and what's not. Andreessen, Gates, Exon? What are contemporary community standards in a universe potentially as big as all mankind? Never mind. Give me an URL for a decent site of nude hunks."--Associate Justice Ruth Ginsburg

Safety last
It's getting to the point where it's not safe to do much of anything (even clear snow with a flamethrower) anymore.
First, they told us air bags--which are supposed to save us in an accident--can

actually crush auto occupants even in a slow-speed Bronco crash.
Now a study by the Center for Driving Recklessly tells us fancy space-age anti-lock brakes can cause more deaths in wrecks than the old-fashioned (Fred Flinstone) ones.
In response, the U.S. government today issued this advice:
"When traveling over 65 mpg, motorists named Elmo may safely set their cruise controls, undo their seat belts and hang out the window yelling: 'Wheeeeeeee!'"

Wall Street
to Wired:
You're

Oooo!

The perfect gift...
...for your closest friends.

No accident

The folks at Consumer Reports give the Izuzu Trooper a big thumbs down for a propensity to lose its balance. In a statement, company President Joe Izuzu accused the magazine of cheating on the road test by using Rush ("I am not an idiot") Limbaugh as the driver.

(He does tend to lean to the right).

Cheap seats

We've heard of bargains, but those $25 air fares top them all. We were skeptical, so we asked to read the fine print:

You can fly anywhere and anytime you want--as long as it's the 3 a.m. to Kalamazoo.

You can bring one piece of luggage--as long as it fits in the seatback pocket.

Worried about safety? Don't--the baggage handlers used to contract for ValuJet.

Beware when they point to the tarmac and say: "You can still catch your flight to Atlanta. By the way, are you still in training for the 500-meter runway sprint?"

Get high with us

Sometimes, companies just don't know when to stop. Looking for weird and unusual ways to expand their business, two household corporate names made complete fools of themselves and seem willing to pay millions of dollars to do it. (We're willing to do it for free.)

First,

. The delivery service (Motto: "UPS: Our drivers are real hunks in shorts--and they don't shoot their supervisors") announced plans to haul people on its jumbo jets on weekends.

We can just see it now: "Check out our special travel packages--extremely low rates (depending on your size and weight) for 3-day delivery to the destination of your choice. Meal service featuring brown-bag lunches. Hop aboard our trucks for a breezy ride to the airport."

And anyone who's seen

new ad campaign featuring Ronald McDonald in "adult" situations--at a disco, pool hall and golf course--can only cringe at the prospects. What next? Ronald cheating on Mrs. McDonald (perhaps with a woman named Wendy), robbing a bank (he's got the perfect disguise) or snorting God-knows-what through a straw behind the counter?

Come on. Enough already. Stop the madness. Give us a break today.

Stripped-down models still available

The Supremes. What a group. In one of its latest decisions, the U.S. high court upheld a Florida ban on nude dancing. (Not that anyone would want to dance in the buff in the Sunshine State.) The dark-robed ones (who were too embarrassed to comment on the case) rejected passionate pleas on behalf of the Cafe Erotica's exotic dancers, who firmly believe that showing their stuff is a form of artistic expression.

Too bad such a statute wasn't in place in Normal, Illinois, home of the Mitsubishi auto plant that's the target of the biggest sexual harassment case in U.S. history. All sorts of naughty and dehumanizing stuff allegedly went on there. You may have seen pictures on TV of thousands of Mitsubishi workers bused into Chicago to protest--not the claimed harassment but the government decision to bring the case against their employer. (Not that their jobs were on the line or anything.) Mitsubishi Eclipse

Mitsubishi: "Can we still interest you in this sexy metallic number?"

Yee-ha! co-founders Jerry Yang and David Filo are in the money with their successful initial public offering. Their stock jumped 154% on the first day of trading (topping even Netscape)-- making the "chief yee-has" multi-millionaires and richer than anyone ought to be. So, think a spell--then write here and tell the boys how to spend it.

A better idea

has a little problem with just a few of its cars. It seems the place where "Quality is Job #1," turned out a few T-birds, Mustangs and Broncos (potentially about 23 million or so) with ignition switches that can catch fire, sometimes when the car is not even running. But, until recently, Ford wasn't willing to shell out the millions of bucks it would cost to issue a recall.

As an alternative, the folks in Detroit were considering a new marketing gimmick--touting the feature (optional, of course) as a sure-fire way to deter thieves. Gives a whole new meaning to the term "hot car."

Wow! The online service wars are getting hot and heavy. So much so that the folks at CompuServe ("We withheld sex from Germans") have devised a new strategy for getting people to sign up--and keeping them glued to their monitors. Enclosed in a recent mailing to The Daily Muse was a pair of diskettes to help us "explore CompuServe and the Internet...for 10 hours, without risk or obligation." Only trouble is, the disks come attached to a card and when you pull them off, the glue stays on the disks. But you've got to give CompuServe credit as they do offer this bit of fine-print advice: "Please be sure to remove glue from back of disks before inserting into computer." Thank you.

(Maybe this should be their new slogan: "Stick with us, we'll show you the world.")

They giveth and taketh away

You've gotta love banks. They're willing to lend you all the money in the world--as long as you've got plenty already. They charge you to keep your money safe until you need it so they can lend it to somebody else at a higher rate than they're paying you. A while back, they tried to charge us to use a teller with a human face but got slapped with a consumer backlash. Now, they're going to hit us with double-fees whenever we pull our cash out of their ATMs.

Why bother? Let's just let them keep all the money and call it even.

There's no stopping GM

, looking to cut costs, said it would continue pumping out cars even though its brake suppliers are on strike. "Hey," a spokesman for the auto giant said, "our air bag plants are still up and running!"

DOW PLUNGES 171 POINTS

(Sellers blamed)

The Dow Jones Industrial Average fell more than 171 points and interest rates soared Friday after the government reported the U.S. economy was generating far more jobs than expected.

The news sent shockwaves through the Pat Buchanan for Fuehrer campaign headquarters. Aides scrambled to rescue one of his chief issues--that U.S. companies have laid off way too many people just to make a quick buck. "We'll come up with something else to hang our black hats on," said one Buchanan official, who spoke on condition that his name be used (The Daily Muse refused to honor his request).

Steve Forbes, whose stock holdings crashed with the Dow, could not be reached for comment. However, well-placed observers with binoculars said they spotted the once-wealthy candidate teetering on the ledge of a Wall Street skyscraper.

After-Presidents' Day Sale

, looking to unload

while it can still get a good price, sweetened the deal. To anyone willing to take the online service off its hands, the retail giant offered a free set of radial tires. And, for the right price, Sears said it will also throw in a

But they're fun to crunch

Despite a Food and Drug Administration
warning that Procter & Gamble's olestra fat
substitute could cause...shall we say...stomach
maladies, the company is ready to roll out
a new ad slogan for its Pringles
potato chips: Munch and run!

Heard on the Street

Dan Dorfman has more Time,
less Money
on his hands

Invest your time wisely--return to The Daily Muse

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