The Daily Muse: In the Stars

Look, more closet space!
Inspired by 's coming-out party, The Daily Muse has decided to come clean about its true identity... We can be silent no more, living a closeted life of fear, shame and humiliation because of who we are or choose to be. So here goes: The folks at the Muse are partial to small, furry creatures--and darn proud of it. We tell all despite the repercussions--our many generous sponsors will drop us like hot potatoes. They'll have nothing to do with us... So, we are pleading urgently for your help. Liberal-minded benefactors are asked to step forward and fill the financial void lest we collapse into a useless pile of WWWaste unable to even pay our monthly ISP bills. Please send your non-tax deductible contributions to the Muse now. P.S. Each week we plan to reveal more and more about ourselves until you become disgusted and leave our pages in droves. (Wait a minute! It's happening already...)

If you liked
"Private Parts,"
You'll love the sequel:

"Howard's (Rear) End"

When the force was with us
With Star Wars making such a big comeback, isn't it only a matter of time before we become nostalgic for Reagan-era space-based defenses? What comes around goes around...

Rated S
Forget the new TV ratings. Instead of some unbelievably complex multi-tiered scheme derived by Jack ("I only look slick") Valenti and the rest of the Coke-sipping Holly("We know what's good for you")wood establishment, we propose a simple system.
Ready?
Two speeds:

G--Good.

S--Sucks ("Inspired by Beavis & Butthead").
Simple yet sophisticated. What do you think?

Reader Chris has an even simpler idea.

Havin' his baby

Two thoughts on developments Down Under, where His Golden Gloveness, Michael Jackson, announces he's gonna be a papa and, oh by the way, he's marrying his nurse, Debbie Rowe, who's having the little one.
First of all, MJ, you could have done a lot better in terms of keeping the royalty thing going. After Lisa Marie, the first King of Rock's offspring, you should have gone after someone with a bit more royal bearing, say Fergie, the Dutchess of New York. She meets the most important criteria. She's available.
To you Debbie, you could have done a lot better as well. Michael Jackson? Come on. Think about bringing this fella home. "Mom, Dad. I want you to meet the...uh...man of my life. As you know, Michael's very talented and he's great with kids..."
We give this one 3 months, tops.

The Goddess of daytime TV. She's so famous she doesn't even need a first name—just the !.
So it is no wonder than when ! decided to start an on-air book club, her first pick, "The Deep End of the Ocean," rocketed from the dustcover bins to the top of the best-seller lists. (Dennis Rodman and Howard Stern, eat your hearts out...)
You have to give her credit. At least she didn't order her loyal followers to buy her own book, "How I Lost It All," co-authored with her personal trainer (Is this the same guy who fathered Madonna's child?)
Anyway, all this brings us to wonder what ! will do next. With that much influence over everyday folks, maybe she can:

Tell everyone to vote for Bob Dole. It may be his only chance to win. (Our underpaid consultants vaguely recall a connection here—remember Liddy's !-like performance in San Diego?

Get Yassir and Bibi to end their street fightin' ways. (This very late word from the White House: There is a light at the end of the tunnel. After consultations, ! has agreed to pass the microphone between both leaders when they next meet in Washington.)

Any more suggestions? Let Oprah! know...

Talked to death

In an unusual turn of events in the Jenny Jones talk show trial, Michigan lawyer Geoffrey Fieger is offering the services of his most famous client to the man convicted of killing a male admirer.

Fieger, who represents the victim's family in a $25 million suit against the show, said Dr. Jack Kevorkian would be happy to counsel Jonathan Schmitz in the wake of the second-degree murder conviction. Schmitz fatally shot Scott Amedure after going on the talk show and learning that Amedure had a crush on him.

However, the judge has other ideas. Unreliable court sources say Schmitz can look forward to this sentence: 9 years of watching the All-Talk-All-the-Time cable TV channel, where he'll get to enjoy Jones, Maury, Oprah! and all the other daytime banter-fests--24 hours a day...

(We can't wait for the made-for-TV movie.)

Miss

Politics? Her crown just mounted atop her perfect head of hair, the new Miss America, Tara Dawn Holland had

something deeply mysterious to say about the 1996 U.S. election.
Asked whether she would be active in the presidential campaign, Holland, who, like Bobdole, is from Kansas, (but unlike him, she was born this century), replied: "That's up to Bob Dole and Bill Clinton."
Why, whatever did she mean? We can only guess, and we assume both campaigns are scrambling to take advantage of the opening.
Since you and hundreds of thousands of others paid for a 900 call to vote her in, maybe you can provide the rest of us with an instant analysis.

Write here and clue us in...
A reader smells conspiracy.

Like a virgin...

It had to happen sooner or later. Madonna's pregnant. The producers of "Evita," which she's shooting in Budapest, "are already doing special camera angles to make sure nothing shows," a source told one of the British tabs. My how things have changed for our favorite over-exposed Material Girl.

...for the very last time

And now, the first of many sneak peaks...

...at next year's Oscars

Pamela Anderson,
Best Supported Actress,
in "Barb Wire."

He could have been somebody

Marlon Brando insists his recent comments on CNN's Larry King Live about Hollywood being "run by Jews" were not anti-Semitic.

"Some of my best friends are Jews," the larger-than-life actor muttered on his way out of the studio.

One Tinseltown mogul insisted he wouldn't hold Brando's remarks against him, but added: "He'll never work in this town again."

Peyton Palace

Statement released on Princess Diana's behalf:
"The Princess of Wales has agreed to Prince Charles' request for a divorce. The Princess will continue to be involved in all decisions relating to the children and will remain at Kensington Palace with offices in St. James's Palace. The Princess of Wales will retain the title and be known as Diana, Princess of Wales."

So what does he get out of the deal?

The real reason behind Di's big decision
If only the Royal Couple had taken this advice

Splits ville

Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley split up

Lisa Marie: "I'm going (back) to Graceland, Graceland, in Memphis, Tennessee."
Michael: "You ain't nothin' but a hound dog. Leave me alone!"

This just in...

Now that she's "Free as a Bird," Princess Di reveals she's been practicing guitar
And is willing to join The Beatles
For a world tour

Her suggestions for alternative titles to popular Beatles tunes:
"All My Lovers"
"And I Love Him, Him and Him"
"All You Need is Jewelry"
"Things We Ate Today"
And a cover of the Sex Pistols' "God Save the Queen"
(Some of the lads are not amused)

Hot Licks

More people bought Marylin Monroe's
stamp than any other in 1995,
the U.S. Postal Service says.

Hey, at 32 cents, it was a cheap thrill!

(Jump to the Rolling Stones Tongues page)

Porky's revenge

Is it just a coincidence that "Babe," the tender story about farm animals and our favorite movie of the year, came ever so close to its clowning achievement (a Best Picture Oscar, of course) the very week the UK is being transformed into an island of vegetarians over "mad cow" disease? Or is God trying to tell us something?

Inspired by the (L.A. Police) Academy Awards,
We present...

(The brown envelope, please)

Step into your limo and ride back to The Daily Muse