The Daily Muse: Dolesville

Charge it
It's a helluva deal for the parties involved... Dole's check

Newt the Gingrich, like another prominent leader in Washington, needed the money. And Bobdole had some to spare--or at least he knew where to go get it. After all, 300,000 clams is no small amount. The speaker's wife wouldn't fork it over. She knew better. And no upstanding bank would lend it to him, so Newt had to turn to an unusual source, Bob Dole--"a close personal friend," who offered to lend him the cash at 10% interest for 8 years. That puts the payback date comfortably beyond Newt's term and, more importantly, outside most people's memory. Where's Bob gonna get the dough? Not to worry--his VISA card has a $300,000 limit...

Dole to Perot:
"Just quit it!"

Asking ("that's-Billionaire-with-a-B") Ross Perot to bow out gracefully is an admirable but feeble attempt by Bobdole to boost interest in the presidential contest.
Kind of like the Yanks tying up the World Series. Keeps folks tuned in, watching the commercials, payin' the bills.
But the move, which some call desperate but we call cute as a button, comes too little, too late. (President Bill's so far ahead, he and the missus were recently spotted at Wal-Mart sizing mini-blinds for a new White House North Wing.)
Once again, Dole was looking into the wrong end of the telescope. At this point, he'd need the votes of three Perots to beat Bubba.
If he really, really wanted to jazz things up, the Doleman should have asked Clinton to quit. That would have evened up the odds a bit.
For his part, Perot said he was in the race to stay (just like in 1992?) and called the offer "weird and inconsequential." Guess he should know...

The right job Dole

With Bobdole facing certain doom in the U.S. come Nov. 5, the recent upheaval in Moscow could present a perfect post-election opportunity for the Republican.
Ex-Gen. Alexander Lebed's sudden ouster as Russia's security chief could be a great job opening for Dole, who's made much of his tough military background during the presidential campaign.
And besides, the two men share an eerie separated-at-birth resemblance. (Hint: Check out the eyebrows.)

At our request, plenty of Daily Muse readers have already responded with suggestions for a Dole role in Clinton's second-term administration:

"Hey! Clinton's Fall Guy!"--Tina Barnes

"Secretary of Left-Handed Compliments..."--Robert Donnelly, Jr.

"Certainly Dole (who will have a lot of time on his hands) needs to be the tour guide at the Smithsonian for the WWII exhibit since he seems to know more about that subject"--Linda Gagen

"Bob Dole should be President. It's the thing he's waited 35 years for so why not give it to him?"--Cordell Meyer

President Dole

Bobdole's decision to focus on California at the expense of key Northeastern states in the precious few weeks remaining before the election can only mean one thing.

Dole has decided that since he can't possibly win the U.S. election, he'll shoot for president of California, instead.

Somewhat unreliable sources tell the Muse that campaign officials haven't yet figured out the minor constitutional issues this strategy would raise, but they hope it all works out in the end....

Getting really angry
With just weeks to go until the Big Day, Bob ("I should be only 10 points behind by now") Dole landed in San Diego and declared himself truly and finally disgusted with the whole damn thing.
"Today, in this wonderful city of San Clemente, I hereby pledge to run a negative campaign. I have nothing more positive to say about my opponent.
"I tried being a nice guy, even compared him to a wonderful clown, but look where it got me. Nowhere, man.
"So today, I'm officially making character an issue in this campaign.
"You should all be disgusted about this president with his hands all over Whitewater, Filegate, and Travelgate. Now it has come to light that he may well have taken money from foreign contributors who tried to influence policy with their campaign cash.
"Well, let me make myself clear. The Bobdole campaign will only accept money donated by good, honest American influence-peddlers. Bobdole will 'Just Say No Way Jose' to overseas money. Especially from people whose last names are long and difficult to pronounce..."

Hey, it's a living
Dole & Socks

Bob Dole can have a job in the White House, even if he loses in November.
Who says?
Why, none other than President Bill, that's who. Asked by Baba Wawa on ABC's "20/20" (you don't need glasses to watch this show) if he could see his way clear to finding a slot in his administration for the Bobster, Clinton, being a nice fella and all, paused, then said, "Sure. Why not?"
So, to help Bubba find just the right job for the Dole-man, we present a few of the possibilities:

National drug czar (he's got the slogan already);

Chelsea's moral compass;

Ambassador to Iraq;

Hillary Clinton's public relations chief;

Official greeter at the visitors' center;

White House gardner (while puttering around, he can peek in on the Oval Office to check out the action);

Al Gore's (stiff) stand-in; or

Official cleaner-upper of Socks' kitty litter box.

Send in your suggestions
Some readers' job offers

The emperor has few clothes

The president vehemently denied being a "closet liberal," a charge slung at the Bubster in recent days by his rival (latest slogan: "I'm not Bill Clinton.")

Dismissing Bobdole's attack—in which the Republican repeated the L-word for a good 30 minutes or socthe president even denied having a closet (or ever being in one).

And besides, Clinton insisted, "if I had one it wouldn't be that big. Not a walk-in, or anything. Something more modest, a couple of suits, a few shirts and some shoes. Nothing as big, as say, Imelda Marcos's."

Gravity sucks Bob Dole's embarrassing (but extraordinarily symbolic) plunge from a stage in Chico, Calif., brought these thoughts to mind...

Bill Clinton's new campaign slogan: Last Man Standing.

Bob Dole's new campaign slogan: "I've fallen and I can't get up!"

Bob Dole's new campaign song: "I'll Tumble 4 Ya."

Perot claims if he were president, he would stand up for his country.

Dole was dramatizing his drop in the polls.

Dole says he was just doing his Gerald Ford immitation.

Just

don't,
Bob

"Just don't do it. Just don't do it. Just don't do it. Just don't do it. Just don't do it. Just don't do it. Just don't do it. Just don't do it. Just don't do it. Just don't do it. Just don't do it. Just don't do it. Just don't do it. Just don't do it. Just don't do it..."
And so it went--on and on, over and over, for 30 minutes or so, until we could take it no longer and switched the channel to an infomercial about house paint.

Got no sole

First, he got in trouble for being a little too creative with lyrics for Sam & Dave's "Soul Man."

Now the Bobster is bound to face legal action from Nike, with his "Just Don't Do It" slogan.

Soon, some kids who got the message a little twisted will be walking to school barefoot...

As a public service, we present the full text of Bobdole's anti-drugs, anti-sex, anti-rock 'n roll speech:

Just say what? Bob Dole insists that his big tax-cutting plan won't boost the budget deficit. And just to make sure folks don't misunderstand, he promises never ever to raise taxes.
Asked on CBS's 60 Minutes whether he really, really meant it, Dole replied: "I'll say no. Period."
Are you sure, Bob? "I just said no."
Just checking. After all, haven't we heard that one before?

Dole also denied his program would debilitate Medicare and Medicaid. "They're not even on the table," he said. "Maybe they're under the table, but not on it."

Monopoly money It was a simple question, really. And to Bob Dole, the answer was quite simple, too.
Asked at the National Association of Black Journalists convention what he would do to help create jobs for inner-city youths, Dole was quick to reply.
His answer had little to do with education, training or even enterprise zones.
Cut the capital gains tax, Dole said.
"Let's help those kids so they don't have to pay so much in taxes when they sell their stocks."
It's the Republican way...

One party fits all
The Dole-Kemp ticket is hoping to erase all the difficulty folks might have in deciding who should occupy the White House come January.
In a bit of post-convention craftsmanship, Bobdole described the GOP as the Reform Party. Sidekick Jack Kemp, meanwhile, is calling Republicans the only true Democrats. Confused?
Well, the idea of a single choice is hardly original. Not only did the Soviets run with it for long while, the tactic is also very popular at Saturn. ("You don't like our price? Check out the Pluto dealer next door.")

Fiscal willpower:
Just Do It!
Bob Dole can't believe people doubt he can balance the budget and cut taxes (walk and chew gum) at the same time.
Doing it, he says, "is just a matter of presidential will. If you have it, you can do it, and I have it and I will do it. That's it."
If it's that easy, we can't wait til he tackles the little ole matters of world peace, hunger, disease and the recent downward trend in the stock market...

Wait, this just in...
Dole's secret plan: Nike underwrites the federal budget. The quid pro quo? The "Just Do It!" logo is imprinted on every Greenback.
Write here if you agree...
Write here if you don't...

Say what?

Believe it or not, Bobdole is blaming his cave-in to the Christian Right Wing on erroneous reports that anti-life supporters were threatening to conduct abortions on the Republican Convention floor. That's an ugly scene even Bobdole couldn't tolerate.
(Actually, Bobdole was being told that abortion demonstrations were expected at the San Diego GOP-a-looza if he hardened his previously moderate stance on the issue.)
For Bobdole, however, it was too late to say: "Nevermind."
So there you have it.
First the tax cuts, now this. The guy is sounding more like The Gipper every day. Next, he'll be cocking a hand behind his ear like Reagan used to...

Tired of the same old worn-out opinions? Give reader Randy's ramblings a try...
You too can write in...

Please Sir, may we lick the bowl?

Bob Dole says we can have our cake and eat it too.
Tax cuts pumping $500 billion+ into our pockets are sure to stimulate the economy beyond our wildest fantasies, he promises in his sweetest monotone.
Still, his tele-delivery needs a bit more help--if he hopes to get us all hot and bothered. Though the all-news networks (Coming up on MSNBC, Bill Gates: The Wonder Years) manage to capture the speech from at least 36 different angles, the Bobster can't find a single one of the cameras at which to point his peepers. Doleyes

Maybe it's intentional--just so the Dole-man can say he didn't look us straight in the eye when he promised his giveaway wouldn't break the federal piggy bank.

Bob Dole's favorite flick

Starring who?

No soul, man

Bob Dole's decision to skip a speech to the NAACP probably made sense (to him) at the time. He was running late. Had another appointment. His teeth needed flossing. Whatever.
Now he explains that he feared getting booed at the civil rights appearance.
"We'll have other opportunities to speak to audiences I think I can relate to (Like born-again KKK lung-cancer victims?)," Dole told FM jock Don ("Mr. Tact") Imus.
Dole did pledge to meet with top NAACP officials at a later date (perhaps after the election), adding: "I think some are my friends." (Read: "I'm no racist. Some of my best friends are people of color.")
So we can deduce (surprise, surprise) that Dole has basically written off the African American vote. Guess he's got plenty of votes to spare, what with Ross Perot entering the fray and sucking up all those Clinton supporters...

Leave Katie alone

It's one thing for Bob Dole to take on the the Clintonites and the "liberal media." It's quite another for the Bobster (with Liddy softly smiling at his side no less) to jump NBC Sweetheart Katie Couric right there on the "Today" show.
So what if Couric was asking some sensitive questions, such as: "Bob, aren't you in the pocket of Big Tobacco for accepting all those tax-free cigarette cartons and saying that smoking isn't too bad for you--as long as you don't inhale?"
That's no excuse for growling "you liberals are all alike" at Our Little Katie even as she continued to flash her whitest whites at him. This moment of meanness may well have cost Dole-man the election. We'll just have to wait and see...
(Maybe he'll redeem himself by appointing her White House press secretary).

A '10' 4 Dole
Bo Derek

In yet another revelation by Bob ("I-know-the-identity-of-Shallow-Esophagus-and-you- don't") Woodward, Bob Dole wants his partner in this fall's 200-meter sprint to be "a 10." Despite previous speculation, that narrows it down to one for us.

Up the polls

So the latest opinion polls have Bob ("SSSMOKIN!-isn't-bad-if-done-in-moderation") Dole cutting President Bill's lead to as little as six measly points after trailing the Bubster by more than 20. (No this is not a quarter-by-quarter recap of the NBA finals.)
On the ugly face of it, you might chalk up Bob-bob-boberan's ascent to his exciting Senate sendoff atop the shoulders of Successor-King Trent Lott. ("Now go on, getouta here." "Hell, no. Me won't go." This still looks unbelievable even after several slow motion/reverse angle replays on the home VCR.)
But perhaps there's a more logical, scientific reason--could it be that the pollsters have finally figured out how to pop the presidential preference question in a slightly...different...way:
If the election were held today, and Bob Dole gave you a million dollars but Bill Clinton only promised you a coupon for a McDonald's Arch Deluxe, who would you vote for?
Or:
It looks like Hillary Clinton may soon be indicted on charges of trying to conceal some really awful things which we don't know enough about to explain to you. Elizabeth Dole, on the other hand, is the head of one of the world's most beloved charity organizations. Whose husband would you cast your ballot for?

Margin of error is +/- 15 percentage points, depending on the freshness of our calculator batteries.

Pork-barrel politickin'

Like his White House foe, Bob Dole sure knows how to cater to a local audience. The other night in Miami (still part of the United States, but just barely), the cooler-by-the-day Republican candidate reportedly vowed that when he becomes commander-in-chief, he'll "bring Fidel Castro down and end his reign of terror."
Give the man a cigar--and battle plans from the previous U.S. attempt to "bring down" The Camouflaged One a few decades back... Babe, the pig

We've been in the neighborhood before.

Bye, bye Bob

Bob Dole has left the Senate for good, but he won't soon be forgotten. At least that was the idea his colleagues had when they decided to name a piece of the Capitol after him--the Robert J. Dole Balcony.
Perhaps not as appropriate as the Bob Packwood Quickie Elevator, but a fitting send-off just the same.

Holy Veep!
For Bob Dole to escape his current trajectory toward historical footnotedom, he must pick up support from some key groups--including Catholics and Midwesterners, his soon-to-be-former aides say.
Dole also badly needs a dramatic follow-up to his bold decision to bolt the Senate, "leave behind all the trappings of power" and head out to the real America, where real Americans are real Americans and not just some sleazy white guys in dark suits who call each other names in the middle of the night on C-SPAN.
To throw even the most prescient of political pundits off the scent, Dole, 73, has said his vice presidential pick "obviously" will be a "younger person, somebody who's in good health." Windy City Pope

So if one is to expect the unexected, presented for your approval, The Theory du Jour: The Doleman must pick none other than His Holiness, the Pope (who turned 76 recently). To meet the geographical requirement, John Paul (George and Ringo) would have to move to Chicago, but what better way to upstage the Democratic National Convention, which is set for the Windy City this very August?

To play previous versions of the VP game, click here and here.

Visit More of Dolesville, or whatever

Crash the 1996 Republican Convention, or whatever

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