The Daily Muse
presents Debate96, overcoming the boredom of it all
Debate of the minds
Clinton and Dole on TVs

     The debate to end all debates was, as to be expected, a giant letdown in the this-could-change-the-outcome-of-
it-all department.
     After all the Doleman, who claimed he would win just by showing up, didn't even land a kit glove on the great bullsitter.
     Well, he did have a few zingers, like the line about Liddy being better in bed than Hillary. And the Reaganesque bit where he pretended not to hear Clinton's reply to a Whitewater question by repeating the phrase "Pardon me?"
     But all in all, it was the prez's show.
     And it seems Clinton managed to top even his previous stellar performances. Here's how we think he psyched himself up to do it:
     In his own mind, WJC was debating not the other man on that Hartford stage but the ghost of the icon Clinton has been trying to emulate his entire adult life.
     Clinton finally decided he was tired of trying to be just like JFK, and instead decided to be better than the legend whose hand he shook in the Rose Garden all those years ago.
     This night, Bobdole never stood a ghost of a chance...
Spittin' image

     Sunday's Clinton-Dole debate, the most eagerly anticipated event of this campaign (since the last most eagerly anticipated event of this campaign) promises to be downright ugly.
     That is, if the rehearsals are any indication.
     Word leaked out to our disinformed but highly paid sources that when the two main men faced off under the lights in an out-of-the-way TV studio the other day, Dole—upset that things weren't going his way in the makeup department—spat on moderator Jim Lehrer.
     The otherwise congenial host of PBS's Sesame Street stormed off the set, shouting that he would not umpire the main event, leaving Sunday's debate up in the air.
     Stay finely tuned.
You make the call
The debate in San Diego (there again?) was expected to be a real barn burner.

Especially when Jim Lehrer (host of PBS's Masterpierce Theatre) rolled up his sleeves and went wild only to realize he wouldn't be getting to ask the questions this time. Instead, real, impartial folks were throwing up the softballs in this town hall-style face-off.

Well, we waited for them to put up 1-900 numbers, so we could burn up our speed-dials with these suggested questions for the Second and Final Bobster-Bubbster Slogfest:

  • President Clinton, how often do you walk Socks and what would you do if some terrorists (foreign or domestic) took him hostage?
  • Senator Dole, name the city where this debate is being held.
  • President Clinton, is it true you don't really want to serve a second term but want to win just to say you did?
  • A follow-up to Senator Dole, what is the URL of your web site?
  • President Clinton, after the election, would you be willing to help train your opponent to complete a sentence without mispronouncing any of the words?
  • Finally, Senator Dole, if the training is successful, can we look forward to the Bob and Liddy Show opposite Regis and Cathy Lee?
    • Two white guys
    Dole
    in cheap suits

         The shocking truth about Clinton-Dole II is that it was held in prime time, when Americans could tune in and watch the spectacle--all 92 minutes of it without a single moment of sex, blood or a pitch for laxatives.
         So they got to see Dole's back turned to the camera 3 out of 5 times (yes, a conspiracy by the producers) and Clinton bite his lip and flex his jaw a record 79 percent of the time.
         And the number of questions that were answered directly without veering off into a completely unrelated topical region numbered in the low single digits.
         If all these statistics seem mind-numbing, join the club. We're just glad it's all nearly over so we can go back to doing what we were doing--waiting for the new Fox TV lineup to be rejiggled.
         Meanwhile, our instant-thanks-to-microwave-
    technology poll still shows Dole too far behind to call.
         But if his stand-up performance should somehow help bring him to a November victory, we're sure he'll deliver on his promises as promised.
          After all, you have his favorite word on it: whatever.

    Reminisce about the GOParty (Bob & Jack's San Diego bash)

    Play DonkeyCon (the 1996 Democratic National Convention)

    Return to The Daily Muse front page

    Scurry over to Bubba Muse and see what Bill's up to

    Go to Dolesville, or whatever

    DonkeyCon | Reader eeemail! | GOParty '96 | Filegate | Dolesville | Front Page | Worldly Muse | In the Stars | Page 2 | Bubba Muse | Muse Briefs | Science of Life | Museplex | Bizmuse | The Back Page | Extremely Buchanan | Perot | President Lamar | Whitewaterworld | Forbes | Sporting Muse | Muse ArchivesOld! | Page 3 | 1996 | Bill Gates@NBC | Lost O.J. Interview | Feedback | Write | Soliciting

    Letters to the editor: aschnedr@cais.com