The Daily Muse: Bubba 4

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Bill & Hillary, the Pennsylvania Ave. Hillbillies

It's a gas

Realizing those trips to the pump with Limo One were starting to get mighty expensive, President Bill Clampett ordered the sale of 12 million barrels of black gold from this here U.S. Strategic Petroleum Reserve.

Not to be outdone, the U.S. House of Representatives, astounded to see that its monthly helium bills were also skyrocketing, voted to sell 32 billion cubic feet of the federally owned gas to flood the helium market and drive its price down as well.

Coincidence? We don't think so.

Be Bill's buddy

It's a taxing time for everyone. Don't forget the Presidential Defense Fund check-off.

Chickengate

The Republicans in Congress want to know what Bill Clinton was up to when he and Boris Yeltsin met a few months back to talk poultry. And so do we.

According to reports in the right-wing Washington Times ("We're the anti-Post"), Bill promised to help Boris get re-elected bid if Yeltsin would agree to lift Moscow's ban on imports of U.S. poultry. (The ban ended after their meeting). Incidentally, four out of every 10 U.S. chickens come from Clinton's home state of Arkansas. We smell a scandal roasting here that could make Whitewater seem like chicken feed by comparison.

Related conspiracy theories abound. Did Clinton cook up "mad cow" disease just so Don Tyson could ship more chickens to the UK and the rest of Europe? Does this signal the end to pork-barrel politics as we know it? Let us chew on these matters the next time we pull up to the KFC drive-through.

If only his pen had run out of ink

Things are falling apart at the White House. With Hillary and Chelsea away on a trip halfway around the world, Bill Clinton lost it recently when, given erroneous advice by his overworked staff, he vetoed another Republican bill sent to his desk.

Only this measure was one he had meant to sign: legislation giving him the line-item veto.

Bill tells all

Maybe it was the cheap high of altitude sickness, or just early signs of presidential burn-out. Whatever the reason, when Bill Clinton flew back from the Middle East the other night, he decided to spill his inner-most

thoughts to a couple of reporters winging back with him aboard Air Force One. As usual, the fact that he talked and the conditions under which he did so (chief flak Mike McCurry said his remarks were on "psychotic-background") are making more news than what Clinton actually said. The White House Press (We're not the Marine) Corps and other Washington Media Mavens are scratching their heads so vigorously on this one that their scalps are bleeding.

Anyway, among his private ruminations, Clinton revealed that he hasn't read "Primary Colors," the Anonymously-penned account of Clinton's '92 campaign, which sparked speculation that it was written by someone familiar with the president or Washington or both. We think the only reason the president didn't read the book is because he didn't need to--since he wrote it. However, Clinton must be reading something to fill up those lonely hours at the top, perhaps James B. Stewart's "Blood Sport" about those shenanigans back in Little Rock?

Bill & Al's Excellent Back-to-School Adventure

Perhaps they're preparing for new careers after the election, but President Clinton and his sidekick ("You can call me") Al Gore were busy Saturday hot wiring California's public schools so they (the schools) will be hooked up to the Internet--just like the White House and folks like you and me. No doubt opponents of

will say the project just makes it easier for students to check out po-nographic Web sites, but we doubt the young'uns will be doing much cybersurfing. Everybody knows kids would much rather read a book than go online any day...

California dreamin'

Bearing the promise of 4,700 new jobs, President Clinton swept into McDonnell Douglas' Long Beach factory the other day with a $1.8-billion order for MD's huge C-17 cargo planes. He praised the C-17 as "the finest transport plane in the world." The president said he loves the planes so much, he's going to beg Congress to buy another 80.

Presumably California's 54 electoral votes had nothing to do with the decision.