Crazy 'Bout Perot

Ross on drugs

They'll let just about anybody into the White House these days, Ross Perot complained. (He's one of the few folks they keep waiting at the gate.)

"Say cheese!"
Tearing into Al Gore for receiving convicted Florida drug smuggler (and $20,000 Democratic donor) Jorge Cabrera at 1600 Penn., Perot said: "I promise you that if I am ever your president, drug dealers will not be invited to the White House.

"Now, then, right after his trip to the White House, they caught him with 5,828 pounds of cocaine. Don't you think we should set a higher standard? I hope you do."

Like maybe 5,829 pounds?

Odd man

out

Ross Perot has every reason to feel like big folks are out to get him.
A panel dominated by the two-party-system people has gone and kicked him out of the presidential debates.
Not because he wouldn't liven up things or be downright entertaining (just what the new fall TV season needs). But because they say he doesn't stand a chance in heck of winning the election.
Well, using that criteria, some folks might say Bill Clinton ought to stand on the stage and debate himself for 90 minutes, because Bobdole doesn't qualify either.
So, ole Ross must think he's got to hire an army of security people because next thing you know, a bunch of those Washington-establishment folks will be knocking down his mansion gates and hauling him away for good.
It's just not fair and the American people won't stand for it.
Will we?

Let's give him a (helping) hand

Now, let's get this straight. Gazillionaire Ross Perot, who refused to take the people's money 4 years ago, now says he'll dip his hand into the public till to finance his presidential campaign.

Perot, who's rich enough to make Steve Forbes look like a welfare case, says his agreement to accept federal matching funds and money from individual contributors (just plain folks) will allow more of "the people" to participate in his candidacy.

It doesn't take a pie chart to see why Ross is doing it: By taking $29 million from Uncle Sam, he's limited by law to spending just $50,000 of his own cash on the campaign (about what he shells out on personal security for a day). Hell of a deal.

(Perot is just following his own campaign slogan: Letting people keep more of the money they worked so hard to earn.)

Crazy Enough Already

Ross Perot was just crazy enough to do it to us again. Run for the president of these here United We Stand States of America.

The question we people now must ask is: Can we stand yet another campaign season of hearing him on CNN (all-O.J., all the time)'s Larry King Live night after night after night, whining about who knows what flew into his head on the way to the studio. Then, if we manage to avoid that, hearing him again and again and again every half hour on the half hour during the Headline News recap. We don't think so.

The earlieest indication that our sanity may soon be tested came when Mr. Perot declared in a San Antonio radio interview (aw-shucksy as he could be): Yes, if he's asked by members of his Reform Party to be their man, "then certainly, I would give it everything I have...But no begging. I hate begging. After all beggars can't be choosy, and all that..." (Last time we heard Ross talk like that we had ourselves a bona fide cuckoo bird winging his way to a third-party candidacy).

And as he proceeded--and we knew he would--we could only image what his campaign promises would be this time:

To spend less of his money running for president than Steve Forbes did. (Probably difficult to stick to this one, since Billionaire Perot he has lots more moola to throw around than Millionaire Forbes.)

To be (only slightly) less extreme than Pat Buchanan. (All of Ross's campaign workers will be checked out thoroughly by his own private security service to make sure they're not packing any concealed weapons or hatching evil plots against his offspring.)

Not one word about that awful sucking sound from south of the border. (V-chip or no V-chip, it's not nice to use such language during family viewing time.)

And finally, he's switching his campaign theme song from "Crazy" to "Still Crazy After All These Years."

Independent's day

Richard Lamm (Slogan:"I'm not Ross, but I look a lot like Newt--only more cute") announces his late bid for president under the Reform Party banner but vehemently denies he's an alien to politics...

Bless you!

For awhile, Richard Lamm--Ross Perot's rival-in-show for the Reform Party mantle--was ahead of Bob Dole in one respect. Though Dole was still making his list and checking it twice ("You can't be too careful, ya know"), the Lamminator had already picked his veep.

And in so doing, Lamm's lowered himself a notch on the 1996 election obscurity meter by selecting a man even lesser know than himself.

Who was the lucky tag-a-long the Lamm-osine? Who would have been the next president of these here United States of America if Lamm had scrambled ahead of Perot in August, then Dole and Clinton in November--but then managed to kick in January?

None other than ex-California congressman and IBM exec Ed Zschau--Gesundheit!

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Crazy Enough Already

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