Dolesville 2: More of whatever

Because Dolesville got mighty crowded

was forced to give Bob Dole some extra space

Macho Men

Bob Dole, reaching for youth vote, meets with members
of the (It Takes A) Village People (Local 186) in Atlanta.

Crime doesn't play

Hello, boys and girls. Today's campaign '96 issue: Crime. Can you say "crime?"

Bob Dole can say it and spray it, too. The Republican presidential nominee-for-sure whipped out his assault-on-crime speech a couple of sunsets ago and declared that society's not to blame. "I think criminals are to blame for crime. In my view, killing is caused by killers, robbing by robbers, drug-dealing by drug-dealers. That's what it's all about." (You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out...)

We can only surmise that pro-Dole law enforcement officials were behind a recent raid on $1-per-game pinochle contest in Carson, California. The crackdown reportedly netted 8 elderly hard-core gamblers at a mobile home park clubhouse after an anonymous tipster called to complain of smoking in the establishment. You know these folks were just passing time while waiting to rehearse their bit as extras for the Twister remake.

We told you so (sort of)

Bob Dole may have shocked official Washington with his decision to quit the Senate to pursue his true ambition--visiting one biker bar

in each major U.S. city...no wait a minute...making a real run for the White House, unencumbered by the daily grind of keeping folks like Jesse Helms in line. Well, as loyal Daily Muse readers may remember, we had this move (almost) pegged a while ago.

But it isn't hard to figure out why Dole is willing to turn his back on 27 years in the Senate. Just think of him as a man being tugged apart by dueling careers--a butcher and a brain surgeon. Both jobs leave blood on your hands, but one of them pays a whole lot better...

Clinton lead insurmountable;
Dole 'whupped,' quits race

By This Justin

The Daily Muse

WASHINGTON--Trailing President Clinton by 20 points in the polls, Republican nominee-for-life Bob Dole suddenly dropped out of the U.S. presidential race--6 months before Election Day.

"We know when we've been whupped, or whatever," the visibly dejected Kansas Republican told supporters at a hastily called news conference at his election headquarters just off the Senate floor.

At the White House, presidential aides were stunned.

"Gee-wow," George Stephanopoulous, assistant to the president for juvenile affairs, told reporters.

Clinton, who at press time was busy bouncing golf balls off the Washington Monument, took a moment to hoist his club in the air before continuing to play through.

Pat Buchanan, who had all but dropped out of the Republican race, said, "We clearly see an opening here and we're going to take it--all the way to San Diego." It was not clear whether Dole's delegates would immediately swing to the right-of-way and into Buchanan's camp.

There was no immediate word from the Ross-Perot's-Not-Running-for-Anything headquarters about what Dole's sudden departure would mean to the Texas Billionaire's non-campaign.

Meanwhile, Gen. Colin Powell (Ret.)--continuing his attempt to break the Guinness Stout world's record for the most books signed in a single day (18,237)--smiled and gritted his teeth when asked whether he would now consider a White House bid. "That's for me to know and you to find out," Powell quipped.

For more on Clinton, Buchanan and Perot, click here, here and here.

Who's your daddy-o?

The race for the White House is more than just about who would make the best president, at least as far as Bob Dole is concerned.

He says it's also about who would make the best father figure: "If something happened...and you had to leave your children with Bob Dole or Bill Clinton, (...At this point, you might ask: Let's see, shall I French kiss that viper or hop in the sulfuric acid?...) I think you'd probably leave your children with Bob Dole."

However, much to Dole's surprise, more than half of the adults surveyed in a Washington Post poll said Billy-Bob would make the best daddy, compared with only 27 percent who would leave their kids in Bob-Bob's care.

Let's just hope it's a choice we'll never have to make.

The King lives

Yet another siting recently, this time close to The King's home. Bob Dole made a pit stop in Memphis, where the locals presented him with a genuine Elvis jacket. Inspired, the Republican nominee-he-be decided a complete image makeover was in order.

We also take cash

It takes a lot of dough to run for the White House--just ask Steve ("Live from New York") Forbes. Some people will get real crafty just to make their fund-raising quotas.

The Kansas City Star reports that Bob Dole's presidential campaign allegedly got thousands in illegal contributions from workers at a pool-toy company. Not that they were real fans (should we say fins?) of the Bobster, but their boss just happens to be a Dole for Prez finance vice chairman. Some workers at the company reportedly were handed stacks of $100 bills and told to come back with checks made out to "Dole for President."

Dole said he didn't know if the money-laundering allegations were true (and we're not sure how much pool chlorine it takes to really scrub a C-note). Of course, he did call for a probe and warned: "If somebody did that, they're in deep doo-doo."

Frankly, we don't see the harm--just make your checks out to "The Daily Muse."

Same old Bob

Just when we thought we'd get a respite from label slinging (remember "extreme"?) and name calling, along comes old Bob Dole to slam President Clinton's judicial appointees as an "all-star team of liberal leniency."

Not to be outdone by the Republican nominee-in-waiting's shocking use of the L-word, White House counsel Jack Quinn (who must be the busiest official in the Clinton administration) called Dole's comments "tired, old" and "worn-out," according to the Washington Post.

Last we heard, the White House hadn't denied that Quinn's characterization was a blatant reference to Dole's age.

The Final Four

(Take your pick!)

Bob's jogging partner: None of the below

Bob Dole is looking for a fellow athlete to go the distance against Bill and Al's Demo tag team in the fall. He hasn't ruled out anybody yet. Just the other day at a Capitol Hill pep rally, Dole called the Republican Party home to an "outstanding" group of governors, mayors, state legislators and other honchos. "We do have a team of thousands and thousands and thousands of people, and they're all on my short list for vice president," he deadpanned. But at least three people in America say they want no part of the '96 GOP ticket (especially the bottom part):

Newt "kiss-of-death" Gingrich;

Gov. Christie Todd Whitman, who's too busy yelling, "I'm from Joyzee. Are you from Joyzee?" to bother; and, of course

The right honorable Gen. Colin Powell, who insists on staying home to polish his Gulf War medals (and count his book royalties).

So the wise course must be to close your eyes, think real hard and hit the books in search of a Dole-mate. We expect your answers neatly typed, single-spaced by tomorrow.

(Since none of you turned in your homework on time, we're giving you one more chance. Then it's F's for everybody.)

It's Morphin' Time

It didn't take long for Bob Dole to morph into Steve Forbes, the former millionaire Republican presidential aspirant (OK, OK. He's still got millions, but is no longer running). At a campaign stop in Wisconsin, Dole said Forbes had a "good idea" in his proposed flat tax, whereby everybody gets to pay the IRS exactly 17% of what they're not making because they're all out of a job.

Political pundits (known in the trade as PPs) said Dole was deploying his latest campaign strategy: If you can beat 'em, join 'em.

Dole had a few kind words to spread Pat Buchanan's way, too, saying the fire-retardant orator (Read: pain-in-the-behind-non-quitter) "has touched a nerve" in pointing out that folks are worried about the future. Then, Dole--thinking "What the heck? I'm winning"-- immediately flew into his old tirade about how Buchanan was "way, way too extreme. Extremely, extremely extreme."

Wait until we get the bill

Sometimes in the heat of the campaign, you get a little carried away. At least we think that's what happened the other day, when Bob Dole declared: "I'm the plumber with experience. I'm the mechanic with experience. Let's fix America!"

Guess he forgot the last time we had plumbers working in the White House.

New York surprise

In an amazing come-from-ahead victory, Bob Dole captured the New York primary, despite valiant efforts by his remaining rivals: $teve and Pat (attempting to conserve their resources for the long-haul, they're only going by their first names these days). The front-runner-by-a-mile-and-a-half's latest win came with the help of fellow Sen. Al D'Amato, R-Indictable, who cranked up the Empire State's Republican machine for the Dole-man. The New York walk-away means that Dole's nomination becomes more inevitable by the day--and that we all can take a nap during next week's less-than-Super Tuesday vote-athon.

Head on

Bob Dole told New Hampshire voters that he's OK--they
can trust him to steer the country right in foreign policy matters.
"I think my head's screwed on right," Dole proclaimed.

(But he's not sure...)

Doledrums

In a last-ditch effort, Bob Dole stunned folks in New Hampshire, conceding they deserved a more youthful, energetic Dole as their Republican presidential nominee. He announced that his wife Elizabeth ("you-can-call-me-Liddy-if-you're-generously-contributing") has replaced him at the top of the ticket. "It was the least I could do to put a Dole in the White House," Bob ("I-was-told-I-was-the-front-runner-but-I-guess-I'm-not") Dole said, his voice cracking, as he explained why he was stepping aside.

But the move came too late for Bob's ("I've-been-tested-and-failed") campaign as he lost to Pat Buchanan, a founding member of the anti-Rainbow Coalition.

Waiting to be leader of the free world

"My own view is we've got to get serious about the
budget talks, and if we can't do it by (December 22),
then we ought to decide we can't agree and move on
to something else, which I don't know what it is yet."

--U.S. Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole

Dawg gone-it

Ripping a page out of Pat ("1-800-me-got-mo-mo") Buchanan's manifesto, Bob ("I'm the front-runner--really") Dole recently slammed big corporations for forsaking workers' job security for the almighty quarterly dividend. "Corporate profits are setting records and so are corporate layoffs," Dole growled in a New Hampshire campaign speech.

Buchanan promptly retaliated by dognapping Leader, Dole's pet Schnauzer.

Click here to save Leader (to your screen)

The U.S. presidency: A 2-for-1 deal?

Bob Dole, Republican front-runner, needs a push,
so he's reportedly calling up Colin Powell with a deal the X-gen
hopefully won't refuse: making him vice president/co-president.
Dole would be president of the U.S. and
Powell would be in charge of Washington's world affairs�
military and otherwise.
Technicians are already working on a dual-button
nuclear firing system for the commanders-in-chief wannabes.

Still waiting to be leader of the free world

A budget agreement between President Bill Clinton
and the Republicans is "probably pretty unlikely," Dole says.
(Covering all the bases, just in case.)

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