The Daily Muse: Olympics Special

Olympics Special Olympic rings

Metamucil,
the official laxative
of the 1996 Olympic Games,
proudly wishes Bob Dole
a happy & relaxing 100th...er...
73rd birthday.

Happy Birthday, Bob!

The gold standard

Is anyone in America not being considered by Bob Dole as a potential running mate? Most Republican governors and several members of Congress have been called, but given this week's excitement in Atlanta, we formally nominate none other than Carl Lewis. He's young (relative to Dole), swift and, should the U.S. ever run into a monetary crisis, he's got plenty of gold on hand...

Not so gently down the stream

Officials in charge of preventing terrorism at the Olympics apparently failed to plan for the possibility of an inside job.

Rowers from Britain, Ukraine and Poland, frustrated at transportation delays in Atlanta, decided to take matters into their own strong hands, commandeering a bus to carry them to their competition venue.

Somehow they slipped their enormous oars past security, only to brandish them against the surprised driver.

"Listen, mate. This bus is going to Lake Lanier--or someone's going to get a paddling," the head mutineer yelled.

Needless to say they made it to their event on time.

But what about America's multi-million-dollar Dream Team, whose caviar pizza delivery was a bit slow in coming?

Barked Charles: "Domino's? If you don't get our order here in 30 seconds or less, we're coming over and slam dunking your manager--and we're not paying."

Ahhh, the Olympic spirit lives on...

Conventional punishment

President Bill unveiled a program to crack the whip on deadbeat dads. But it makes us wonder whether the punishment exceeds the crime, just a little bit.

The proposal would force the bums to spend 17 days watching reruns of NBC's Olympics opening ceremonies telecast.

Those naughty dads who still fail to pay up will be sentenced to spend the entire month of August watching the Republican, Democratic and Reform Party conventions, back-to-back.

(Come to think of it, why are we the ones being punished?)

Circumstances beyond our control

The weekend's tragedy in Atlanta cannot be overlooked, even in these quarters where humor generally reigns on your parade. Experts in psychology and related fields say off-color comedy is often resorted to as a crutch in such times of horror.

But it makes even us wince to think that fun can be had at the expense of the people killed or hurt in such horrible circumstances.

No, you won't find us make light of the bombing--no one-liners about an overdue package from Ted Kaczynski, a new baton relay technique or Olympic medals awarded for the fastest exit from Centennial Park.

That would be in poor taste and completely out of the bounds of decency. But how far out of bounds have we traveled when we fear allowing our children to watch the Olympic Games lest an explosion shatter the innocence we, and they, had clung to by the thinnest of margins...

Yet another in a series of short-attention-span editorials.

Express yourself in good words, not bad deeds

Olympic rings

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Yet another in a series of short-attention-span editorials.

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